Learning to Dance Again
by willa76
Summary: Lou is attacked, but she will not tell the boys. Follow her as she struggles to get her life back on track, and her heart pieced back together. Rated M for language and Adult situations.
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own the Young Riders.**

**So I decided to give this ago. I really love the series and wanted to have a say in what I think should have happened.**

**The story takes place just after the first episode of season 3. I will change a lot, but will keep some story lines tied into mine. **

**This chapter contains rape. But I will not write in detail about it. Please note that the episode that the episode 'Good Night Sweet Charlotte does not exist in my story, so Lou was not raped before she joined the Pony express.**

**Also, I know that there was no swearing on the show, but I have a potty mouth so please don't be surprised if Lou or any of the others drops the 'F' bomb. **

**Sorry for any spelling errors.**

Lou

"What's up with Jimmy?" Rachel asked as she begun to place our lunch on the table in front of us.

"Same old thing, some gun slingers in town, he's wanting to get a name for himself by being the quickest gun in the west. And guess how he plans on doing that?" Cody asked with his cocky attitude.

"By calling out Jimmy," Rachel answered,

"By calling out Jimmy," Cody confirmed for her, before filling his mouth with a sandwich.

I reached out for my own sandwich, ignoring the banter between the rest of the boys.

I hated how Jimmy had to go through this kind of situation for what seemed to be every other week. I could tell it was wearing him down, and his shoulders were slowly slumping with the weight he carried on them.

Even his eyebrows were constantly furrowed and his smile, that I have grown to love, is fading more and more each day.

He was too young for these kinds of troubles, and it was starting to scare me when I thought of it growing too much for him to bear.

It was feeling like I was losing him, we were losing him.

I didn't want to lose him, just as much as the thought of losing any of the others, makes me sick to my stomach. These men are my family, the only family I really have, I love them all and didn't want to see any of them hurt, physically or emotionally.

"Lou are you listening?" Kid asked in a slight annoyance.

"No sorry, what did you say?"

"We are going on a horse run, are you coming?"

"No I thought I would head into town, see Teaspoon, and get some things for Jeremiah and Teresa, to send for their birthdays."

"Oh, can you grab me some baking powder please Lou?" Rachel asked when she heard of my plans.

"Yeah sure,"

"Ok then well we better get going if we want to be back by night fall." Buck said as he took his plate up to the sink.

The boys all uttered their agreement and their thanks to Rachel for lunch before they all disappeared out the door.

After I helped Rachel with the washing up, I saddled up Lightning and rode into town. I was sure going to miss Sweet Water. But at the same time I was ready for new faces, a new town, and Rock Creek was as better place than any, I guess.

I jumped on Lightning and headed for town. It felt like we never saw Teaspoon these days, not like we use to. I was missing having him around, so I was looking forward to spending some time with him.

I slowed down as I rode into the towns centre, I took a look around and what had been my home for over a year. I couldn't help but smile at the memories and the people that I have come to know.

Sadly though I look at the beautiful women, dressed in their flowing dresses, hair long and clean. I do miss that part. It would be nice to be fussed over every day.

My eyes land on the figure of Jimmy. He is leaning on the side of the porch that surrounds the saloon, his gaze captured with a young blonde.

The smile on his face would make her believe that he is interested in what she is saying, that he may care for her, but I know it's fake. Why he chooses to stay and talk with her instead of moving on is beyond me.

I dismount Lightning and tie him in front of Tompkins store. I decided to walk over and see Teaspoon first; he may even want to come for a walk.

"Hi Teaspoon," I said as I walked into the Marshall's office.

"Well hey there Lou, what brings you down my way?"

"Tompkins store and you," I smiled, as I walked up to his desk,

"Well then take..."

"Are you Marshall Hunter?" A stranger asked, rudely interrupting Teaspoon and pushing past me, sending my hip into the corner of Teaspoon's desk.

I swallowed the scream that wanted to come out, 'cos that shit hurt like hell, but men don't scream, and in this moment I was Lou, not Louise.

Teaspoon's eyes raised as he silently asked if I was alright. I nodded and rolled my eyes at the ass that pushed past me.

"You can leave us now son," the stranger dismissed me. I swear there are some real arrogant pricks out there. I turned to leave the man and Teaspoon alone, however when I decided to turn, and actually face the direction I was headed in, I slammed right into Jimmy.

"Sorry Jimmy,"

"Sorry Lou, are you ok?" we both asked at the same time.

I looked up at him to see he was looking in the direction of Teaspoon's visitor. I turned to see that the stranger was watching Jimmy and me. Turning back to Jimmy I asked, "He your guy?"

"Who Roberts?" I nodded, "Yeah he is. Are you sure you're alright?" he asked giving my upper arms a squeeze, with his big hands.

"I'm good, more concerned about you." I told him in all seriousness.

"Of course you are Lou," Jimmy scoffed.

"And what is that suppose to mean?"

"You are the most selfless person I know," I frowned up at him, "It aint' a bad thing Lou, it just drives the boys and I nuts. If you spent more time worrying about yourself then we wouldn't worry 'bout you so much."

"And when will you all learn, that I can take care of myself?" I snapped back. Jimmy held his hands up in surrender, mocking me.

"You're an ass," I laughed.

He wrapped one of his arms around my shoulders and we headed away from Teaspoon and Roberts intense stare.

"So where too?" Jimmy asked, as we continued to walk.

"I got to go to Tompkins store and grab a few things," I answered, feeling a bit too comfortable having Jimmy's arm over me.

I thought over what Jimmy had just said, trying not to let it get to me. The boys have obviously talked about me, and been worrying about me.

What is that?

They really do not need to worry about me; they are the ones that attract the most trouble.

Satisfied that I was in deed the one that didn't need the concern, I took a look around the town's people once again. I don't know why, maybe I was just making a mental note and storing it all away for years down the track.

I looked over to Tompkins store to see that Roberts, who was just talking to Teaspoon a minute ago, is now walking into Tompkins store. What had he done, ran there?

"Jimmy" I said as I elbowed him to get him to turn his attention on what I was seeing.

"I have had enough of this guy. I'm starting to think that shooting him aint' a bad idea." Jimmy scoffed, but I knew that deep down he wasn't joking.

I laughed out loud, quickly gaining the attention of both Tompkins and Roberts.

I hated the way that Roberts was looking at me, studying me, I felt like I had to turn away from his gaze.

Jimmy noticing my discomfort by the man slightly stood in front of me.

"Do you want to go in there?" He asked me,

I just shook my head no.

"Head straight home Lou, I will see you there." Jimmy told me.

"Yeah ok," I wasn't going to argue with him,

"Well that was easy for once," he laughed.

"For once I happen to agree with you. I really don't like the way he is looking at me. And anyway Teaspoon is coming up behind you, so I know you won't be alone."

I laughed at the look on Jimmy's face, "Catch you later," I laughed again, over my shoulder.

I mounted Lightning and quickly made my way back to the station. I had to get ready for my ride tomorrow any way. I was planning on spending an extra night in Seneca.

I was planning to forgo my bunk that waited for me in the Seneca station, and check into the saloon. A deep hot bubble bath is just what I need, along with an actual mattress and pillow. I needed a night to remind myself of whom and what I am.

I sometimes feel that I'm slowly losing my girly side, and that scares me. I mean I do eventually want to marry, have kids of my own. I can't do that pretending to be a man all the time. I actually think that even the boys that I'm surrounded with forget that I'm a girl half the time.

So a bath, a pretty dress, a nice meal and maybe an alluring look from a man would be nice.

The night was pretty uneventful, not that I'm complaining. Rachel had the boys' busy packing up the house, while I turned in early getting my much needed sleep for the long ride to Seneca. I had to stop over in Ft Kearney, to give Lightning a break and swap horses. I would pick him back up on my way back through.

* * *

><p>"Rider comin'," Buck yelled from the tired old front porch.<p>

I fastened my belt just a little, grabbed my roll with my dress rolled up neatly in it, and ran for the door.

Buck had Lightning by his halter keeping him steady and ready. I fastened my roll to the back of my saddle, before mounting atop of him.

"Safe ride Lou," Buck smiled,

"Will do, and don't you'll leave here without me," I warned,

"We might wait for ya'," He laughed.

"Well alright then, I'll see you in a couple of days."

I turned lightning just as Ike was coming in. I reached my arm out to grab the mochila from him. "Thanks Ike," I called out as I took off in the direction of Seneca.

I rode into the night until I made it to Ft Kearney, stopping only to change horses. I wanted to make it to Seneca by mid afternoon tomorrow, giving me a whole night to myself.

* * *

><p>My time was spent just how I had hoped, and as I change horses again in Ft Kearney I can't help but feel relaxed and somewhat in a dreamy mood.<p>

No there were no men callers last night, but I shared enough smiles, and hat tipping with plenty that I did feel beautiful and womanly for the night.

So with my mood sombre, and the night clear I rode back home. I didn't know if it was the mood I was in, or if it was because my mind changed to thoughts of the Kid, that had me distracted, but I never saw him.

I never saw him till it was too late.

"Where you headed boy?" The stranger asked, but in a voice that was familiar to me.

"Home," was all I said. I went to move on hoping that he would take a hint, and to test what sort of situation this was going to be.

"Sorry Son that aint' going to be happening," He said as someone from behind me pulled me off Lightning,

"Let me go," I screamed as I tried to fight my way out of the man's arms,

"Scrawny wee thing aint ya'," he spat in my ear,

"Please I just want to go home," I cried,

"Well, well, well what do we have here?" The first man asked. I knew his voice, I couldn't see much of his face, but I knew that I knew him. I just didn't know from where.

"Why would a young man be carrying a dress?" He questioned as he held it up for the other to see.

"It's for my girl," I lied, making the two men laugh.

"You don't expect us to believe that you have someone waiting for you back home do you? I mean there aint' nothing to you. In fact you look more like a girl than a man..." I stiffened in my captives arms.

"Are you?" he asked again moving closer to my face. It was then that I knew who he was, Roberts' Jimmy's man. I gasped as the realisation of what he was doing hit me.

At the sound of my gasp he ripped open my shirt, revealing my breasts to him.

With a lick of his lips he smiled at me,

"Well looks like we are going to get some loving tonight, what do you say Samuels?"

The one that held me from behind licked the shell of my ear, "I like the sound of that," he said as he pushed me to the ground.

They were not gentle with me, nor did they plan on being so. I cried and I screamed bloody murder but I was alone, no one would hear my cries. Their hands were not as loving as Kids, and I hated that they were tainting my memories of the 'Dancin' he and I shared.

* * *

><p>I must have passed out because when I awoke I was alone, and broken.<p>

Why would he leave me alive? Surely he knows that I will tell Teaspoon and the boys.

Unless that is exactly what he wants me to do?

Well like hell will I give him that satisfaction, he will not use me to rile Jimmy up, I will not let Jimmy add that to his already troubled mind.

I struggled to my feet, pain coursing right through the centre of me.

"Oh god," I cried. My whole body is in pain.

I looked around for my clothes, they were scattered all around the ground. I tried to bend down, ignoring the pain the best I could, along with the blood I can feel trickling down my legs.

I pulled myself up on Lightning, asking him to carry me home to safety. I had no idea how long I had been riding for, before I saw the sight I had hoped would have come sooner.

I looked towards the bunkhouse seeing the soft glows of the fire in the bunkhouse. I knew the boys had only just turned in for the night, and I couldn't risk them seeing me like this. I didn't even know the extent of my injuries yet. And I wasn't in the mood to answer questions, and I honestly didn't know if I could be in the same small room as all of those boys.

I know that rationally that is ridiculous I know those men, and I know that they wouldn't hurt me, but my mind wasn't thinking that way at the moment, at the moment it is in protect mode.

I headed for the barn, grabbing that god damn dress, and a pitcher of cold water, what I really wanted was a bath, but a quick wash was all I was going to get tonight. I dragged the dress and the pitcher towards the barn. Once I was safely inside I tore the dress into pieces of cloth, and then dampened them in the water.

I carefully washed as much of my body as I could. It was hard to reach certain areas and some where just to saw to touch.

I tipped the water out and placed the cloth inside of the empty pitcher. I used the rest of the stupid dress to cover me, as I made a makeshift bed in the hay. I hoped between the two, I would keep warm through the night.

I have no idea how long I laid there trying to keep my eyes open, as I was scared that Roberts face would appear if I closed my eyes. But eventually fatigue took over and I must have drifted asleep.

"Lou?" My eyes sprung open and I flew up from my hay bed.

"Awwwl," I screamed as the pain screamed through me in protest of the harsh movement.

"Oh Lou, what happened?" Buck asked as he went to help me. I took a step back from his reach,

"Oh..I was thrown from Lightning," I lied as I touched my head with the tips of my fingers, wondering what the hell I looked like. I didn't like the way Buck was looking at me, and I wanted him to stop.

"Why did you sleep out here?" he questioned as his eyes studied me.

"I didn't want to wake you all, so I came out here," I said looking at the ground, not wanting to meet his gaze.

"I don't believe you," he stated,

'You shouldn't,' I thought to myself.

"I don't care what you believe, it's the truth." I lied as he continued to stare down at me. I felt dirty, ashamed and embarrassed, and I was sure that he could see all those things in my eyes, and on my body.

"STOP LOOKING AT ME!" I yelled at him, taking him by surprise and causing the rest of the boys, Teaspoon and Rachel to all come running in.

"What on God's green earth is...Lou what happened?" Teaspoon asked causing them all to look at me.

"Nothing happened, I'm fine, and since you are all in here I'm going to bed." I snapped as I struggled to walk, wincing as my body moved.

Kid went out to grab my arm but I pulled it back, not wanting his touch.

I hobbled my way past the boys and headed to the bunk house. I just wanted to sleep and to hide from their eyes.

*****Well what do you think? Should I continue?**


	2. Chapter 2

**I own nothing...**

**Chapter 2**

**Lou**

I awoke to the sounds of soft whispers. I kept my eyes closed tight as I listened to the voices around me.

"I don't think we should move her. Maybe she and I should make the move in a few days."

"Should we call the Doc?"

"She has been asleep for thirteen hours Teaspoon, that aint' right."

"She said she's fine maybe we need to just take her word for it,"

"Come on Jimmy she was lying through her teeth, surely you don't believe the line she feed us."

"I want to."

"Come on boys leave her be. This is her way of healing."

I heard them all file out of the room and shut the door behind them.

I tried to go back to sleep, but I would see the faces of the two men that broke me.

Their eyes,

Their faces,

Their hands,

Their breath,

I could still feel them on me, so much so my skin felt like it was crawling, and it began to itch.

The longer I stayed in that bed the worse it was getting. The blankets felt heavy, and I no longer wanted them on me.

I finally let my eyes spring open, no longer wanting to be asleep, and no longer wanting to be in this bunk or in this room. The air was too thick, I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I need to breathe.

I could hear the snores of the boys but I couldn't see a damn thing, except the glowing ambers still alight in the fire place.

As carefully as I could I got off of my bunk, biting my lip so I wouldn't scream out in pain.

"Where are you going Lou?" Cody's sleepy voice whispered.

"Nowhere," I said as I stepped out of the door. I needed air and I really need to use the outhouse.

I hobbled my way over to the outhouse wincing as I did my business. I was so sore down there I would hate to think what I looked like.

I hobbled over to Rachel's just wanting to sit and swing on her porch swing.

I could feel the tears fall painfully down my face.

I looked up to the moon silently asking it why I was chosen to go through this. Why did those men pick me to fight their battles?

There was no way I would ever tell Jimmy. I would not add to his troubles and I will not give Roberts the satisfaction.

* * *

><p>Days turned into night, night into days. I had kept quiet, too quiet. Kid was always asking me if I was ok, if there was something he could do. I know he was concerned but it was really getting on my nerves. I hated how I was ignoring him at all costs.<p>

I tried to get away, go for a ride clear my head, scream at the sky, but I couldn't ride.

It was too painful to sit in the saddle, and when I tried, I leapt out of it so fast instantly crying in pain and scaring the hell out of all that watched me. And they were all watching me but now they watched me with questioning eyes, knowing eyes.

I hated them.

"Lou we are heading into town to help Teaspoon before we head out tomorrow, do you want to come?" Kid asked carefully, but pissing me off. Had he just not witnessed my trouble with even sitting in a saddle?

"No I don't." I snapped hating the hurt that crossed in his eyes. Feeling like shit that I was the one that put it there, I felt like I should apologise.

"Kid I'm sorry. I'm just so sore its making me irritable."

"That's ok, I just wish there was something I could do." Kid said kindly and honestly.

"It's not ok Kid. It aint' fare on you or the others." I sighed, "I just got to play this out Kid. I'll come right in a few days."

He looked at me, and I could see that he was unsure what to say or what to do so I gave him an out, "Off you go, I will be fine."

"Lou you haven't talked to me in days. You're not eating, you're not sleeping, please tell me what happened."

My tears came down thick and fast, but silent when I heard the hurt and desperation in his voice.

A part of my believed that he needed to know, and I did want to tell him. But the other part of me was scared that he would see what I saw when I looked into the mirror, and that was my tainted ugliness.

"Please Kid I'm just sore is all, and slightly embarrassed that I fell from Lightning, please I'm ok just go." If I kept up with this lie I knew it was going to eat me alive.

"Well if you're sure..."

"I am, so please go."

Kid got up and with one last parting look he joined Noah, Buck, Ike and Cody. He jumped on Katy and rode off.

I felt like a load had been lifted, and that I could breathe just a little easier when they all left me alone.

I decided to go for a walk and make the most of the day, before they all returned. I had no direction in mind, I just kept walking until I finally decided to rest. I sat down in the long grass, pulling my knees up to my chest.

I knew I had been out here for a while, and something was telling me that I needed to head back, but I was happy here. It was quiet and not so confining.

"What are you doing way out here? Jimmy's voice asked from behind me.

"Just thinking," I replied not bothering to turn around.

"Must be serious to come all this way out, you had us all worried." I pushed down the annoyance and anger that were bubbling inside of me.

"When will you all learn to stop worrying about me?" I growled,

"I'll tell you what, I will stop asking if you're ok, and I will get the others to back off if you tell me that what we think happened to you isn't true." Panic seeped through me. I knew that they had figured it out. Well I wouldn't confirm their suspicions.

"Because I swear Lou if what we are all thinking is true, we need to know." Jimmy stressed,

"Why so you can have an excuse to kill someone?" I snapped at him.

"Pretty fucking good excuse Lou,"

"I will never be your reason to kill someone" I cried.

A deafening silence fell between us. I could see in the corner of my eyes that his fists were clenched tight into a fist. He was controlling his own anger, I knew he wanted to rip into me, but he wouldn't.

"I thought we were friends Lou,"

"We are Jimmy so please take my word to be the truth. Nothing happened apart from me coming off my horse." I swallowed the lump of lies that sat thick in my throat.

Jimmy's eyes looked pained as he stared down at me.

"I will take your word as the truth Lou, but know that it hurts me to see you like this. Whatever it is that happened to you on your ride, I can see it is claiming you, consuming you and I hate that you have lost the light you had in your eyes, so if I find out that you aren't being truthful someone will pay, and I will not take your word to be the truth ever again."

His words hurt me, and I could feel my voice within, screaming at him the truth. I wiped my eyes free of their tears and said,

"I wouldn't expect you too,"

"Right, well I'm heading back in, do you want to come with me?"

I shook my head no, not trusting my voice, "I will tell the others you are fine, but please be back before nightfall,"

I just nodded, as Jimmy got up from the ground, and walking away.

My shoulders started shaking as I broke into sobs. I was tearing my friendships up left right and centre. Maybe I should leave, save them and me the grief.

* * *

><p>Today we were moving, and I was hoping that by doing so some of my troubles would stay behind. I sat with everyone for breakfast, no, I didn't speak, but I did eat something. I wanted to give them one less thing to worry about.<p>

I knew it meant a lot to them to, because I could see smiles on their faces when they looked my way. So I sat and I picked, not listening to what they were saying but enjoying the sounds of their voices any way.

As the last thing was being loaded on the back of the wagon and the boys had all mounted their horses, I slowly walked over to Lightning, praying that I wasn't going to be as sore today.

I knew that they were all waiting for me, but I slowly and carefully eased into the saddle. I winced as I settled down. I had no idea how I was going to make it to Rock Creek.

I needed to push my pride aside and just accept that I couldn't.

"Um...Rachel would you mind if I rode with you?" I asked with my back to them.

"Sure Lou, I would love that." She said sweetly.

I eased out of the saddle, blinking back my tears. I took the saddle from Lightning and placed it on the back of the wagon. I kept my eyes down not daring to look at anyone.

I tied Lightning behind the wagon and took my seat next to Rachel's.

"Right well let's get this show on the road," Teaspoon announced, officially starting our convoy.

I knew that Rachel was dying to talk to me, and she was most likely hurt that I hadn't come to her. Being the only two females in this man's environment we needed to stick together.

As we passed through town, and just through the outskirts of Sweetwater, the sight of two figures in the distance caught my eye.

"Well Jimmy looks like Roberts is going to give it one last try before you leave town," Noah joked, as my face paled.

I gripped the side of the seat, and looked around me for an escape.

"Lou are you ok?" Rachel whispered.

The boys were too busy talking about Roberts that they didn't hear her.

"No Rachel, I'm not. Please I can't see that man," I whispered just as low. I watched as understanding crossed her face and a tear fell from her eye.

"Oh Louise, I..."

"No Rachel, I don't want to hear it. Please can you just stop?" I asked. I really didn't want to go any further. I could feel my stomach turning and I really needed to be sick.

"Rachel stop, I'm going to be sick."

She pulled the wagon to a halt as I flew as fast as I could from the seat,

"Lou, Rachel what..." Teaspoon begun but the sound of my vomiting soon stopped his question.

Rachel was beside me with some water, and a handkerchief. I reached my hand out and took them from her hand at the same time the voice I prayed I would never hear again stopped me.

"I guess these men you consider family don't really care about you Lou," Robert's taunted I looked up to see Kid and Cody looking down at me.

"Lou what is he talking about?" Kid asked as I tried to find Rachel's eyes. I shook my head as once again there were no words.

"Well aint' you a saint little lady," Roberts taunted again, "You never told them."

It was then that I found a set of eyes, but it wasn't Rachel's, it was Jimmy's as he swung around to look down at me. I heard guns being pulled from all around me.

"How do you know Lou is a woman?" Teaspoon asked carefully, but I knew he already knew the answer.

My eyes stayed on Jimmy's silently asking him to forgive me, and begging him not to do anything stupid.

Tears fell as pain stabbed my chest. I couldn't speak, my head just kept shaking hoping that this was just another nightmare.

"Lou?" Jimmy asked,

I would not say it.

I would not tell them.

"She didn't tell you of the fun my companion and I had with her the other night? Well I'm just plain old hurt Louise."

My knees gave out, as I fell to the ground.

"LOU!" Kid yelled as he got off Katy and grabbed me in his arms,

"Don't touch me," I cried, "Please don't touch me," I cried again.

Kid let me go instantly, but stayed by my side.

"Get off your horse you piece of shit," I heard Jimmy demand. I knew this was it. This was what Roberts was waiting for, what I had been trying so hard to keep it from happening.

I lifted my gaze to see that Roberts was smiling brightly as he got off of his horse. He had won, he was going to get what he wanted and it was killing me.

I will not let him win.

I will not allow Jimmy to kill for me.

I did the only thing that I could think of, I grabbed Kid's gun from his holster and I aimed it at Roberts, I could see Kid was going to stop me, so I fired.


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own the Young Riders, but do wish to borrow Jimmy for a night or two.**

**Jimmy**

The sound of a gun being fired made me duck my head. I had no idea what direction it came from, as my angered eyes were still trained in on Roberts.

I had to swallow back all the emotions that wanted to scream out from me. I look at how big Roberts is and his companion, and I just get angrier. There was no way Lou would have stood a fighting chance against these two.

I shook my head to clear it, to get the broken look of Lou's face out of my mind. I needed a clear head.

It was when I looked back up at Roberts that I saw his eyes were now wide with shock as blood spilled from his chest.

I was instantly pissed, Roberts was my kill and I wanted it bad. Who dared to take that from me?

I turned on my heel to face my brothers, just as another shot sounded out through the morning sky. And the sound of Roberts companion hit the ground.

"God damn it, he was mine," I roared.

Though it wasnt one of my brothers that held the smoking gun, it was Lou.

She had tears rolling down her still bruised cheeks, as she stared down at the men that had wronged her.

I wanted to be happy for her, happy that she could rest easy at night knowing that those men would no longer be able to harm her or any other woman, but I couldn't.

I wanted those men to hurt. I wanted them to hurt as much as Lou was, and when they begged me for death, I wanted to spit in their faces and deny them of their want. They have been given an easy death, and we all knew it.

No one was moving, no one was saying anything. I kept my eyes on Lou, hating that she seemed even more broken. Her eyes still on Roberts and the other man, watching them, or maybe waiting for them to move or to do something, does she not realise that she has killed them, that it is over?

I wanted to see some kind of relief in her eyes. I wanted to see some of the light come back to them. But nothing, she still looked empty, until something sinister seemed to take her features.

She was going to do something stupid, and when she raised the gun, and held it to her own head, I realised that our Lou, my Lou, would never be the same.

"KID!" I yelled wondering why the fuck he hadn't noticed what she was doing,

"LOU NO," he screamed as he knocked the gun from her hand, the others dismounted their horses and we all rushed closer to her,

"DON"T TOUCH ME," she warned.

All of us stopped, scared that we were hurting her more than she already was.

"Just all of you back off,"

"Lou what you were about to do..." Kid started but stopped when he could hear Rachel crying, as the enormity of what was just about to happen hit her.

I looked into the eyes of my brothers, seeing that they too were at a loss. Ike and Buck each shed a tear as they watched the woman, they considered a sister, fall apart at the seams.

And like the fool he can be, Kid went to grab Lou once again, but before he could she stepped away and hobbled back to the wagon.

Her head was down cast and her shoulders shaking. How I wanted to comfort her, tell her that I would never let anything like that ever happen to her again.

"Rachel do you have a weapon on you?" Teaspoon asked,

Rachel shook her head no. "Good. Well I want you to get back on that wagon and start making your way to Rock Creek. Noah, I want you to ride along side them, we will be behind you shortly."

Noah and Rachel didn't question Teaspoon. They both did as they were asked. Rachel took her seat at the wagon, while Noah flanked the left side of Lou. Teaspoon walked to the back of the wagon and slid the shovel from out the back.

As soon as they were out of range we tried to sort this mess out.

"Why wouldn't she tell me about this?" Kid stressed.

"Really Kid, Lou just held a gun to her head and that is what you want to know?" Buck spat, with venom in his voice.

"Now steady on Buck, it aint' Kid's fault," Teaspoon reasoned.

"I know that, but I don't think he's thinking straight."

"Are any of us?" we all turned to Cody, "I mean we all had an idea that Lou had been raped, and we did nothing, we said nothing. I think we're all to blame in some way."

"He's right boys," Teaspoon agreed.

Yeah he was right. I can't believe that Lou wouldn't tell me though. I gave her plenty opportunity to do so, hell she even promised that nothing happened. I didn't want to push it, I didn't want to push the subject because I could see she was hurting, and I didn't want to be the one to cause more hurt.

"Do you think she would have pulled the trigger?" Kid asked quietly, but we all heard him as clear as day.

"I have no doubt in my mind she would have. She's hurting Kid, she's hurting bad. Even with those two animals dead, the pain is still there." I told him truthfully.

We all stood silent pondering over what was just said. I knew that all of us would be watching Lou like a hawk from now on.

"What do we do with these two?" Cody asked,

"We burry them Son," Teaspoon replied, "Though the thought of buzzards picking their eyes out appeals to me, we can't afford people to find them and ask questions."

As much as I hated to admit it he was right. So we did just that, we buried them, not saying a prayer or treating them with any respect. I just hoped that it was not God that awaited them, as they both deserved to be swallowed by the depths of hell.

* * *

><p>It took us two days to get set up in Rock Creek. Ike was the first rider up and left this mornin'. The town folk are still getting use to our faces, and while some are less than social I think we're going to fit in quite nicely.<p>

Lou was still in her dark place, and had taken up sharing a room with Rachel. The boys and I hated that she chose this for two reasons. First she has shared room with us all for well over a year, it was nice having her there. And two, I think we all felt like we couldn't keep an eye on her when she was next door.

She is scheduled to ride tomorrow, but Noah has taken on her shift. Not that she asked him, it's just we aint' seen her atop of a horse in nearly a week, so Teaspoon took it upon himself to arrange another rider.

* * *

><p>As I neared the Marshall's office, I could hear raised voices. My hand instantly ghosted over my gun. I had no idea what was happening but I was going to be prepared.<p>

"Teaspoon that aint' fair and you know it," Lou's voice tried to reason.

"Surely you have to understand why I did it." Said Teaspoon,

"No, no, no I don't. It's my ride and I am doing it, tell Noah he's got it wrong and that he aint' taking my run." People were starting to stare, and I just hoped that something that shouldn't be said, didn't come out.

"I can't do that Lou, you are still healing, it would be too much for you to do your run. I am ordering you to stand down."

"Then fire me, because if you don't want me to do my job, then you don't want me to work here. Either way I'm leaving tomorrow." She warned as she walked away from Teaspoon and right past me.

Teaspoon stared after her, but stayed where he was. I walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I can't let her go Jimmy, not after that stunt that she pulled the other day. What if she is just waiting for this opportunity to be alone so she can have her chance to pull the trigger? And what if she gets hurt again? I just couldn't live with myself."

"Then maybe you need to let her go, I mean fire her." I told him.

"Same thing Jimmy, as soon as she leaves here I don't think we would be seeing her again."

"Then we have to trust her. Trust that she can do this without doing something stupid. She will hate us if we hold her back Teaspoon."

"Maybe your right Jimmy, when did you get to be so smart?" He laughed, "I'll go talk to Lou, you go talk to Noah and the boys. I don't want any fuss."

I nodded as I headed to the bunk house. I knew what I said to Teaspoon was right but I didn't believe any word of it myself, so I knew that the boys were going to hate what I was about to tell them.

* * *

><p>"Noah, Lou wants to do her ride," I rushed out quickly, wanting to get this over and done with.<p>

"What? No, she can't," Kid argued.

"I agree Jimmy, it aint' safe." Cody added.

"No it aint' safe but she needs to do this and we need to let her." I argued with a heavy heart.

I was not one to tell Lou she couldn't do anything, I was usually one of the only ones pushing her to do as she pleased, but in this situation I really wanted to gather her up and lock her away.

Any which way the conversation was over and no one else said anything. I knew that the whole time Lou was on her ride, no one would be sleeping, that's for sure.

I walked out of the bunkhouse leaving the boys to their thoughts. I grabbed the pitcher and walked through the barn to get some water for my horse. As I neared the end of the barn, Rachel's voice stopped me in my tracks.

"Lou we love you, and we're worried about you. Now I know why you won't talk to the boys about this, but surely you can talk to me."

"Rachel I am closer to those boys than anyone else, if I won't talk to them, I won't talk to anyone."

"I know that Lou, but I just thought with you and I both being women, there are things that you can share with me that you wouldn't share with them."

I should have taken that as my cue to leave. I had no right in ears dropping in on this conversation.

"I...I...I just feel like I'm a prisoner in my own skin Rachel. I close my eyes and all I see is Roberts, and Samuels. I want to rip my eyes out, I swear I do, but deep down I know it aint' them, it's my mind. It will forever hold the memory of what those men did to me. The mind games, the r..., the other thing I just can't get it out of my head."

"What mind games Lou? Were they threatening you? Is that why you didn't want to tell any of us?"

"I didn't want to tell you because Jimmy would find out." Lou said quietly. So quiet that I nearly missed it,

Why in the hell would she care if I knew?

"Why would Jimmy knowing be a bad thing?"

"Don't you see, don't any of you see what Roberts was doing? He was so angry that Jimmy wouldn't answer his call. He wanted Jimmy so bad that he thought by using me, it would finally give Jimmy a reason to pull out his gun. I didn't want that for Jimmy. I don't want to be a reason for Jimmy to kill another person. I don't ever want to be a reason that any of them pull a gun.

So I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't be. That is why I never told you all, and that is why I shot Roberts myself. I didn't want to give Roberts the satisfaction of being killed by the famous Wild Bill Hickok and I didn't want Jimmy to have to do that, it wasnt right."

I dropped the pitcher I had in my hands, causing Rachel and Lou to turn and look at me.

My vision was red as Lou's words attacked my mind. Why had I not seen this?

I walked up to Lou, "I was the reason that this happened to you," I asked, trying to control the anger that was swelling up inside of me.

"No Jimmy, you weren't the reason. Roberts was the reason, he didn't know I was a girl until he caught up with me. Had it been Kid, Cody, Buck or the other two, that he rode into, he would have killed them, hurt them. He would have done anything to get a bite out of you, so don't you dare blame yourself for what happened to me."

"Seriously Lou, I don't know how you can say that. If it wasn't for me he wouldn't have been here in the first place. And even if one of the others were hurt it still comes down to me."

"Yes but if you let it bother you he's won. Don't let him win. Don't let any of them win." She cried.

I walked up closer to her and placed my hands on either side of her face. I will not be letting this slide, it aint' in me to do so. This women was hurt because of me, and I would be damned if it will happen again. But I know that it could. I attract the worse kinds of people, and it was starting to take its toll on those around me. I will not allow anyone I care for to be hurt because of me.

But for now I push aside my anger, to concentrate on getting a bit of my Lou back.

"But you were going to let him win if you pulled that trigger on yourself." I said, breaking my heart to see the pain in her eyes.

"I'm sorry I did that. I just wanted my mind to shut up. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she cried even more.

I pulled her into me, surprised that she wasn't pulling away. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her for dear life. No matter what she says I will never forgive myself. I looked up to see Rachel was looking at us with sad eyes.

"Well you better get ready for your ride, you leave in a few hours," I said as I pulled back slightly.

"Really? Teaspoon is going to let me go?" She asked in amazement.

"Like you gave him a choice," I laughed.

"I know living with me hasn't been easy, I'm sorry." She apologised.

"Yeah well you just come back to us, and we might just forgive you." Teaspoon said as he came to stand next to us.

"I promise I would never do anything so stupid again," Lou said as she looked to the ground. I knew she was embarrassed, but I couldn't find it in me to care. Pulling a gun on herself is something I will never forgive, or forget.


	4. Chapter 4

**I do not own the Young Riders.**

**Lou**

I sat in my saddle feeling slightly uncomfortable, but sure that I could do this. I needed to put my ghosts to sleep. I needed to learn to move on. And in a way I think the boys did too. This ride was going to be as good for my healing just as much as it will be for theirs.

"Rider coming," Noah yelled, I closed my eyes listening to the sounds of the quickened hooves running over the softened dirt. I could nearly hear the sounds of Ike's horses nostrils flaring as he had been ridden hard all day.

"You alright Lou?" Teaspoon asked one last time, as I began to take off.

"I'm good Teaspoon, see you tomorrow," I yell out as I prepared to take the mochila.

"Thanks Ike," I said as I took off. The fact that this is exactly how I left last time was not lost on me. But I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind and I flew like the wind.

* * *

><p>I made good time to Fairfield, and was pleased that all was going smoothly. Once I took the mochila to the station master he asked if I could deliver a parcel to Ft Kearney. I hesitated for a minute, but reminded myself that this was my job and it really wasn't that big of a deal as I was going past there anyway, it was only going to make me late home.<p>

"Oh hey there Lou, thanks for doing this, must be real important for them to want a rush on it." The station master Hank said as I ran through the door.

"No worries Hank, it wasn't much further out of my way."

"You need to hand it straight to the Colonel in Ft Laramie,"

"Ok Hank, thank you," I said as I ran back out the door. I only hoped that it was going to be as easy as what he thinks. Cos if I'm too late I knew that the boys would be out looking for me.

* * *

><p>Lucky for me it was an easy drop off. I had to leave Lightning there as he was getting tired. So after a quick change of horses, I set out for home.<p>

* * *

><p>Twilight was setting in before the sights of Rock Creek came into view. I was pleased to be back, and happy that I proved to myself that I could go back out alone. I could feel the smile on my face as the pride filled my body.<p>

I could see the bunk house, and I could see all my boys, and Rachel. I was coming from a different direction than what I should have been, so their backs were turned.

I hated that they were obviously worried. I didn't want to cause them any more grief and put doubt in their minds that they shouldn't have let me ride.

It was Ike that turned his head first, his eyes found mine, and I smiled as his own face lit up into his beautiful smile.

He jumped from the porch and started heading my way, his smile getting bigger the closer he got. It was then that everyone else realised that I was back and started making their way towards me as well.

I could feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment at all the attention I was receiving.

"Hi Ike," I said as I started to dismount my horse, but Ike pulled me the rest of the way off, and wrapped his arms around me.

I returned the hug, but was shocked that he would even show me this kind of affection. He pulled back and signed,

"Been worried 'bout you,"

"Didn't mean to worry you Ike, I'm fine." I reassured him as Rachel came and hugged me.

"I'm so proud of you Louise," she whispered in my ear.

"I'm proud of myself," I told her, but looked to the eyes that stood behind Rachel.

I wanted them all to see, and to know, that I was fine, and that they didn't need to worry about me while I was out riding.

Because when I was riding, I was free. Free from my nightmares and free from worries.

"Where have you been?" Kid asked with more harshness than what was necessary, breaking my happy moment.

"I was asked to deliver a package to Ft Laramie," I told him. A look crossed his eyes, one that I had not seen before and it scared me.

Things were changing between he, and I, but I didn't have any idea in what direction.

Buck offered to fix my horse, so I could go and eat and get some sleep, to which I was grateful.

After eating far too much, and listening in on what had happened around here for the last couple of days, I told everyone I was going to bed.

I got up from the table and headed out of the bunkhouse door.

"You still not ready to move back in with us?" Jimmy asked,

I stopped and stared out the door for a minute, trying to think of how to say what I wanted to say. I turned and faced my family. Rachel already knew what I was going to tell them, but she sat quietly anyway.

"I don't think I can come back to the bunkhouse," I began, but could see I was about to be interrupted. So I put my hands up to shush them.

"Things have changed, I have changed. I love you all so much, you are my family, and while it hurts for me to say this to you, I have to tell you. I'm scared to be in here." I looked to Rachel for some courage.

She smiled teary eyed at me, and I her.

"I'm scared that if I have a nightmare one of you will wake me, try to comfort me, and I will hate you for it. Cos' I do have nightmares, and I don't see them leaving anytime soon, and the last thing I want is to be awoken, and to see the face of a man." I told them truthfully.

"You are all men, I feel vulnerable to be alone with you all at the same time, and until that anxiety goes away, I have to sleep with Rachel. I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for Louise, but I hope you know that none of us would ever hurt you in that way."

"I do know that Teaspoon, truly I do. Well my heart does, but my body and mind aren't quite with it yet." I hated to admit that I was a little scared of them.

Jimmy turned away from me and it made me want to cry. I knew that now he knew about why Roberts did what he did, he would be blaming himself, and I just probably rubbed salt in the wound.

"I'm sorry," I said to everyone again, before walking out the door.

* * *

><p>It has been a month since that night. Life was carrying on as normal and I was starting to feel like I was getting a part of me back.<p>

A lot has happened in our tight wee family that we have, some things good and something's that aint'.

The best thing that has happened has been the addition of Jesse. He is a little shit for the most part, but we have all grown to love him. He actually reminds me a bit of Jimmy and Cody, so I hate to think what he will be like with another five years on his age. I have a feeling Wild Bill Hickok will have to share the spot light with Jesse James.

My rides have become easier for everyone to bear, and for the first time since my last run back, I haven't come home to a porch fall of people.

I was still however quite content in staying with Rachel. We had become quite the pair to gossip about for a bit within the town folk. Some didn't think it was right that a woman of Rachel's age should be sharing a room with a boy my age. At least their foolery gave us a laugh.

"Lou, you bringin' those nails anytime soon?" Cody yelled out from across the yard,

We were all busy mending fences, and repairing the barn. Winter was coming, and Teaspoon wanted everything in order before it was too damn cold. And they were his words.

I bent down and grabbed the pail of nails. The thing was heavier than I thought. I bent down and heaved them up in my arms. "Oh shit," I whimpered, as a sharp pain ripped up my stomach.

I had been getting them all morning, but they seemed to be getting worse.

"LOU!" Cody yelled again,

"I'm coming Cody, just hold on would ya'?"

"Don't yell at her like that," Noah reprimanded Cody.

Breathing through the pain I made my way over to Cody and the rest of them, lowering the pail down to the ground.

"You all right Lou? You're looking a little pale." Asked Rachel,

"Yeah just got a sore stomach, I'll be fine."

"Maybe you should go lie down," She stated,

"No I'm good." I lied as I helped Kid hold up the timber so Cody and Jimmy could hammer the nails in.

"Dinners ready boys come and get it," Rachel called from the bunkhouse.

It had been a long hard day, and I should be as excited as the boys to hear those words come from her mouth, but the thought of eating was making my stomach churn, and my cramps had gotten worse. On top of that I was tired, and felt like I was running a small fever.

"Ah, I might just turn in," I said to no one in particular.

"You not hungry Lou?" Kid asked with concerned eyes.

"No my stomach is still giving me some grief, you guys go ahead. Cody you can have my plate," I said as I walked over to Rachel's and my place.

"Thanks Lou," he called out.

"Lou, hold up," Jimmy said as he ran over my way,

I stopped and swung around towards him, my head started to spin and I felt like I was going to faint. I grabbed a hold of the fence to keep myself upright.

"Shit Lou, are you ok?" Jimmy asked as he grabbed a hold of me.

"I'm just exhausted Jimmy, I really just want my bed,"

"Let me help you,"

Jimmy let me lean on him up the door, "I'll be right from here, I will see you in the mornin',"

"Hope you feel better by then,"

"Yeah me too." I muttered after him.

I was out cold once my head hit the pillow. I knew that I had over done it today if I was becoming unwell.

* * *

><p>My dreams started off peaceful, but as the night progressed, so did the pain in my tummy. I didn't know if it was from the pain, or the nightmare that I was having, but I woke up with a panicked scream.<p>

I flew up from my bed, feeling not quite right. I felt sticky, and wet. I pushed the blankets off of me, and was shocked to see I was sitting in a pool of blood.

"RACHEL!" I screamed. I didn't see her fly out of bed, as my eyes were frozen in shock. I knew that this was not my monthly, and I was scared of what else it could be.

I could hear Rachel light the lantern,

"Oh Louise," she cried, I looked up to her eyes wanting an answer.

"What's happening to me?" I whimpered,

"You have miscarried a child, sweetheart."

What?

But...Oh.

"I didn't know..." I cried, "I didn't know."

"I know honey. It's not your fault, these things happen." She cried with me.

"Has it happened to you?" she nodded her head in my shoulder as we held each other crying.

"I'm going to have to get one of the boys to fetch the Doctor Louise." She told me with regret, knowing it was the last thing I would want them to know.

"Can't I just go see him? I don't want anyone to know Rachel."

"I know sweetheart, but it can be dangerous if you don't deal with it now. What if I just get Teaspoon?"

I nodded my head, ashamed about what was happening.

"Remember this is not your fault. Now sit still I will be back soon to help you get cleaned up," She kissed the top of my head, before she went to fetch Teaspoon.

My body started to shake as sobs raked through me. I cannot believe that this was happening.

"Teaspoon's on his way,"

"What do I do?"

"I will fetch some water and a cloth, you can clean up a bit before the Doc arrives, after he leaves, I will run you a hot bath.

* * *

><p>After his initial shock that I was a woman, the Doctor examined me. I have never been to a Doctor for woman's troubles before, so the exam left me feeling embarrassed and horrified.<p>

He was nice though, talking to me the whole time he worked, I knew he was telling me about what he was doing, but I didn't care. I was still in shock.

Day was well and truly around me, when he left. I could hear Teaspoon talking with the boys as the questions were being fired at him. I looked over to Rachel and asked if she minded telling them. I wanted to go for a walk, and if they were all distracted then they wouldn't see me leave.

* * *

><p>"Lou?" Kid's voice said softly from behind me.<p>

I wiped my tears from my eyes and turned to look at Kid who had taken to sit next to me.

"Kid," I replied softly.

He just sat there in silence with me. I knew he wanted to talk, but he knew that I didn't, so I appreciated the silence that he was giving me.

"How could something so beautiful, ever come from something so evil?" I asked.

"What do you mean Lou?" Kid asked carefully.

"I mean what those men did to me was evil, pure evil. But it could have created life, which is beautiful. To be able to have a child is a gift. I wonder why God decided that I wasn't worth it."

"Lou maybe God just decided that, that was not how you were meant to become a mother. I mean maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Cos' next time you come to be with child, you will be married, and in a loving relationship."

"How can you say that? Do you think that Buck's mother loved him any less? Buck is a fine man no matter how he was conceived, Kid."

"You're right Lou Buck is a fine man, but he also carries with him a lot of hate and anger."

"I would have had that child Kid."

"It wouldn't have been right."

"It would have been loved."

"I feel like I'm losing you Lou. You are not the same girl I fell in love with,"

Does he really not see that I'm not, and haven't been for a while?

"So you don't love me?" I asked, already sensing the answer.

"I love you, I just feel like I don't know you."

"Is it the thought that you are not the only man to touch me that has you thinking that way?" I snapped.

"No Lou,"

"Kid I know you. You are a proud man who is stuck in his ways. You have your values and your pride. You hate that I live a man's life, work a man's job and the only womanly thing that I do have has been shared, and you hate that too."

"I didn't say that Lou,"

"No you didn't but I can see it on your face and in your eyes when you look at me. I don't blame you Kid, I promise I don't. I love you, and will always love you. You were my first love Kid and that will always be special. You are special you deserve someone that is special. You deserve the woman that you wish I was. And I want you to know that she is out there waiting for you Kid, and I will be happy for you when you finally find her."

Both of us were crying, as we realised that this was the last of Kid and Lou.

"You are special Lou, more than you will ever know."


	5. Chapter 5

**I do not own the Young Riders, though I do own the first season on dvd. When are they bringing the other two seasons out? Does anyone know?**

**I hate this chapter. I wanted to try and get in the heads of the men in Lou's life. I know it was Lou that was raped, but I wanted to touch on how the boys have coped. I hope it comes across ok, I'm not sure it has. Please let me know what you think.**

**Jimmy**

"Teaspoon what is going on?" I asked for what felt like the tenth time, in the last five minutes.

We were all waiting on Rachel's door step for the Doc to come out. We knew in our hearts that it wasn't Rachel he was seeing, and with the way Lou had been acting and feeling yesterday, we were all sure he was here for her.

"It aint' my place to tell you," was all Teaspoon had kept telling us. Whatever it was it was affecting him in a way I hadn't seen before.

For what felt like hours after wards, Rachel's door opened and the Doc and Rachel both stepped outside.

"Everything alright?" Teaspoon asked hesitantly.

"She will be fine, but no chores for a few days Teaspoon," The Doc joked softly, "On a more serious note, that little girl has been through quite an ordeal. Perhaps working as hard as your boys here work, isn't the kind of a place for a woman."

"Trust me Doc the thought has crossed my mind on many occasions, but it comes down to one thing, that girl in there is living the life she wants to live, and I'm not going to be the one that tells her she can't."

The Doc seemed to accept Teaspoon's words,

"Her secret is safe with me, please reassure her of that. And if she needs me again, please don't think twice."

"I hope that won't be necessary Doc, but I appreciate the thought all the same." Teaspoon shook the Doc's hand, before Rachel walked the Doctor to the gate, shaking his hand as well, and walking back up to the house.

"You boys look hungry, why don't we go to the bunk house and have a talk," she said with a kind smile.

I was actually scared about what they were going to tell us.

Once inside the bunkhouse, Rachel set to work on making breakfast. It was killing me not knowing what was happening, and I was worried that someone should be over with Lou.

Once our meal was in front of us, Rachel took a seat next to Teaspoon.

"Louise was with Child," Teaspoon uttered sadly, taking a minute for us to digest what he had just said.

"Lou is going to be a mother?" asked Jesse, obviously not understanding what Teaspoon had just said.

"No son, she miscarried through the night."

We all knew that Lou and the Kid had 'danced' together before Roberts showed up, was there a chance it was his?

I looked to him and then to Rachel. She seemed to get what I was thinking, and quickly shook her head no.

How much more does Lou have to suffer, especially when I could see small changes in her over the last month? The way she allowed Ike to hug her, or not flinching if one of us accidently brushed up against her. Little things to a stranger, but an achievement to all that know Lou and know what happened.

It had crushed us that she didn't feel safe in our presence. And while I was angry at first, I went to bed that night thinking about how my mother would flinch, and retract from the simplest movement.

Fear is a hard thing to overcome, and I wasn't about to make it any harder for Lou, so I pushed my anger aside and concentrated on being the friend that she needed.

Kid flew up from the table and stormed out of the room. Cody and Ike went to follow him, but Buck stopped them.

"Let him go to her," Buck told them.

Kid loved Lou and he was hurting. I think that she needs him to help her heal, and as much as it pains me, that it's not me, I will push aside my own feelings, just to see Lou get through this.

After we ate, Teaspoon told us to take a few hours to our selves. Ike just left on a run, but the rest of us lay on our bunks, trying to catch up on a few winks before we were back to our chores.

I could feel my eyes droop, and my body relax, well that was before Kid came stomping in the bunk house.

"Kid, what's wrong did you find her?" Cody asked.

I opened my eyes to see that Kid was sitting at the table, looking lost and heartbroken.

"I didn't know what to say to her, and everything that I did say kind of came out wrong." He explained.

"Why what did you say?" I questioned, knowing Kid has a way of speaking before he thinks.

Kid looked to Buck before he spoke,

"I told her that maybe it was a blessing in disguise, her losing the baby, and all." Kid looked ashamed, which he should be. Buck just nodded his head to Kid, looking less than pleased at what Kid had told Lou.

"What's wrong with that? I mean why would she want to have Roberts child anyway, he was a monster."

"That's what I thought as well Cody, but she said that she would have loved that child, no matter who its father was. She said that she kept saying that having a child is a gift, and that she would have been lucky to have it. Then she was talking about not being special, and..."

"Should we be sharing this with us?" I interrupted, as it was personal to Lou, and she would hate that we all know.

"Who else do I share it with? You are my family, my brothers if I can't share it with you, who the hell am I meant to share it with?" He was right. No matter what my feelings were, I had to be here for both Lou and Kid.

"Roberts not only hurt Lou that day, he hurt all of us. I got so much anger and guilt inside of me, that if I don't start getting it out, I'm scared that I'm going to blow."

I knew how Kid was feeling as they were a mirror of my own, but I doubt that his guilt is as strong as mine.

"I don't think our pain is anything close to what Lou is feeling. And what do you have to be guilty about?" Buck asked in disgust.

"Of course it's not, that is not what I meant. I just mean it is like he killed Lou, and we now have her replacement. She will never be the same, and I don't know how to be with this Lou, both as a friend and a partner. And that hurts me, because I love her.

I'm guilty because I wasn't there for her. I'm a man for fucks sake, I was her man. I should have been there to protect her. Or at least I should have told her to quit, because I have feared that this would happen to her right from the start. I should have told the company as soon as I knew, then this wouldn't have happened."

* * *

><p>Another month had passed, and our family felt like it was drifting apart. Teaspoon was spending all of his time at the Marshall's office. Rachel was busy with getting the school back on its feet after a fire wiped it clean off the map.<p>

Lou hardly came around us, and if she was in the same room with us all, it was like she didn't know how to act and neither did we.

We were all tired, and we were all feeling the strain of it all. So Cody decided to fix that problem. He demanded that we needed to get out and find some fun. So he was dragging us to the saloon for a drink.

The sound of a stage coach coming rattling into town had us all looking in that direction. However this didn't look like the usual coach that would come into town.

"Well would you look at that," Noah said as the driver opened the door for his passengers, holding his hand out, a red and black gloved hand held his, and a beautiful dark haired women poked her head out to have a quick look around, before taking the steps down to the ground.

Once she was safely to her feet, the driver once again repeated the same action for another four women.

"I'm in love," Cody purred from beside me,

"With which one?" Buck laughed,

"Who said I needed just one?" Cody asked with a dopy grin.

The girls quickly set their sights on us, with a giggle and a blush the girls walked over to the saloon.

"I don't know about you boys but I'm still real thirsty for that sarsaparilla," Cody said as he stepped off the walkway and started to head across to the saloon.

I wasn't going to let him have all the fun, so I was close behind, with Kid, Buck, Noah and Ike on my heel. I had seen a lot of women in my young years, but these women were different again.

We all walked up to the bar, keeping our eyes on the five beauties that sat around a table just across from us.

"Max, who are those lovely ladies?" Cody asked the barman,

"Those are not ladies, boys," Max said as he poured our drinks. I looked back over to the girls seeing the brunette looking in my direction, I tipped my hat and flicked her my enduring wink. "If ya'll come back tonight, you will see what I mean," Max laughed from behind the bar.

"You can count me in," Cody said, and the rest of us agreed.

After downing our drinks, and once again flashing the girls our gentlemanly smiles, we headed back for home with an excitement we haven't felt for a while.

* * *

><p>"What are you boys in such a hurry for?" Rachel questioned,<p>

"We are going to the show at the saloon," Cody said before shoving another spoon full of potato in his mouth.

"I saw that advertised, I was thinking of going as well. A night of singing and dancing sounds good." She said as she continued to eat her meal, "Though I might wait and see if Louise would like to come," She pondered.

It just goes to show you how life was coming right for the rest of us. We no longer waited every minute of every hour of the day for Lou to get back from her rides. We had slowly begun to trust that she was fine.

"Do you really think that it is the kind of social outing she should be around?" Kid asked,

He was still having the hardest time out of all of us moving on, though he's courted two lovely ladies in the last month, no one will ever come close to being Lou.

"I don't know Kid, maybe it is exactly what she needs," Noah said,

"I will ask her when she's back," Rachel said, seeming excited over the prospect of going out tonight.

The show was outstanding. The girls sung and danced, in dresses that revealed more than we had ever seen. And although we were in the middle of winter, it didn't seem to bother these women. If this was the fashion in a big city, I couldn't wait to go.

"Evening lads, how bout you shout me and my girls a drink," A tall blond beauty sassed as she came up to us at the bar.

"Yeah Kid, how bout you buy the first round, and we will go and get comfy with the girls." I said as I went to sit next to the brunette I had admired earlier.

"Well hi there," she said as I sat next to her, "I'm Ruby, and you are?"

"Jimmy," was all I said as I smiled brightly at her.

"Nice to finally meet you Jimmy,"

We sat and we talked, the girls were soon cleaning us of our money by buying them drinks at the bar. It felt good to laugh, and to not watch what we said.

As I was placing my drink on the table in front of me, Teaspoon's laugh caught my ears from across the room.

I looked up to see what he was doing and who he was with.

Lou was here, her eyes moving from face to face, as she assessed her surroundings. I found myself looking away for a minute to do the same.

Satisfied there was no threat I looked back to her, I felt guilty that I was here and having a good time.

Ruby placed one of her hands on my knee, as her other hand rubbed my chest.

"How about you and I take this upstairs," she whispered in a sultry voice.

It was then that Lou saw our group. She went to come over but realised that we were not alone. As her eyes scanned us all, she found me. Her eyebrows furrowed for a split second, but I saw them, before a smile graced her lips, but it did not reach her eyes.

With a nervous wave, she turned her back and joined in on Teaspoon's conversation, she was hurt but why?

"I'm talking to you cowboy," Ruby said reminding me that she was there. I looked to her and then back to Lou.

I wanted to go to Lou, and be with her, but I knew that would cause us more harm than good.

Louise and I would never be, as I will not allow her to be harmed because of me again. And if she was with me, that is exactly what would happen.

I am a moving target, and it seems those that surround me, are as well. For that reason alone, I will not pursue Lou.

"I think that, that sounds like a great idea," I replied as I got up from my seat, holding my hand out for Ruby to join me.


	6. Chapter 6

**I do not own the Young Riders.**

**As you may have noticed that I am not really sticking to any of the episodes in season 3. Something's will still happen, just not in the time frame as it did on the show. I might even tweak a few of them, just because I can.**

**Lou**

I watched as Jimmy led the beautiful woman up the stairs of the saloon. I watched as she laughed and moved with confidence.

I wish I felt that comfortable in my own skin.

Deciding that I no longer wanted to watch the boys wrap themselves around the women that held their attention, I said my goodnights and left for home. Rachel wanted to come with me but she was having too much fun and I didn't want to put a damper on that.

I walked slowly back to the station, enjoying the night and the quiet sounds of the music coming from the saloon behind me.

I wasn't the only one that had noticed that our tight family, that we once had, was slowly but surely drifting further and further apart.

I had been considering walking away, saying goodbye to the ones I love and to the job I enjoy, just so we could all get a moment's piece, and perhaps become the people we once were.

But I realised that if I did, it would most likely cause more harm than good. I wanted to make life better, not make it worse.

"Lou," I heard Jesse's voice whispered out, I looked around but couldn't see him.

"Lou," he hissed again.

"Jesse, I can't see ya', where are you?" I whispered loudly. It was obvious to me that he didn't want people to know where he was, because there is one thing Jesse aint' afraid of, and that's using his voice, so for him to call me so quietly I knew something was up.

"I'm behind the dressmakers," He called out.

Wondering what the hell he had gotten himself into this time, I walked around behind Mrs Bridges dress shop to see what all the fuss was about.

Jesse, reached out and grabbed my arm, now in my mind I knew that Jesse was just a kid, and he meant me no harm, but I still didn't like the way he grabbed me.

"Jesse, let go, you're hurting me." I told him harshly.

"Sorry Lou, but I'm kinda' in hurry," He said with panic in his voice.

Jesse didn't know what had happened to me. For a boy his age, he already knew of the many monsters that were out there, we didn't need to let him know of one more. So no one had told him.

"What's wrong Jesse, you have me worried." I told him in all seriousness.

"It aint' me Lou, it's my brother Frank. He's been shot real bad and I need you to help him, please."

"Jesse I'm not a Doctor. And maybe you should be talkin' to Teaspoon."

"Frank made me promise not to tell Teaspoon, please Lou help him." Jesse pleaded.

I didn't like the fact that Jesse was so easily convinced to keep something from Teaspoon. That should have been my warning sign there. But I couldn't let Jesse down.

He had come to me for this and I was going to help him. If I saw something that wasn't right I would tell Teaspoon myself.

"Alright Jesse, show me the way."

"Thanks Lou," He grabbed my arm again to show me the way, this time however I pushed my fear aside and followed my heart.

"He's in here Lou,"

I followed Jesse into an abandoned building that sat behind the church. As I crawled through the space he had I wasn't expecting the sight that awaited us.

Four men stood around the room, which was lit by only candle light, while a man lay in the middle of the room with a blanket draped over him. I watched with fright as Jesse went and crouched over the one that lay on the ground.

"Frank, Lou's here. She will help you." The one that I now know as Frank lifted his head and looked my way.

"Lou don't look like a she," He said with a hoarse voice.

"I promise she is, she was even going to have a baby," Jesse blurted out.

"JESSE,"

"JESSE," Both Frank and I scorned.

"What it's true," Jesse pointed out. Now I was in a position that I had dreaded. I was alone with unknown men, who knew I was a girl, and no one else knew where I was.

"Even so Jess' you can't just tell people those things." Said Frank as he had another look at me.

"Lou please can you just take a look at Frank's arm?" Jesse whined while he shifted the blanket that covered Frank.

I looked up at the men that occupied the room just getting an idea where they all are and how far back they were. I didn't want to be caught unaware.

"Jesse I really think we need to get Teaspoon, or some of the boys." I argued, for what I knew was a lost cause.

"Sorry Lou, there aint going to be anyone else joining our wee party," One of Frank's men told me.

I shifted closer to Jesse and Frank, getting further away from the four men that surrounded the room and so I could get a better look at Frank's arm. I could see that he had lost a lot of blood, but the wound itself didn't look too big.

"We already pulled the bullet from him, just needs to be cleaned up sweetheart," one of the other men said from beside me.

I tried my best to ignore that the other men were here, as I took a look at Frank's arm. Jesse was trying to lean in as close as he could, to get a better look at his brother's wound.

I could see on his young face that the thought of his brother being hurt was hard for him, so I decided, against my better judgement, that I would send him to get a few things to keep him busy.

"Jesse I need you to go and get me some water, all the bandages out of the bunk house and bring some food for Frank, he needs to keep his strength up."

"Ok Lou," He said happy now that he has a job.

Jesse flew out of here with importance. He was concerned for his brother, but I think that he was also excited to have him here.

"Now tell me what happened, because you are obviously in trouble, and I don't like that you have bought it Jesse's way. When was the last time you saw your brother anyway?" I asked Frank, wanting to know if there was going to be trouble coming our way.

"Now that aint' your problem or your business Lou," One of Frank's men said as they came to stand next to me.

"And that's another thing, if you want me to help you Frank, you have to send your friends out of this room. I will not have them looking over my shoulder, trying to scare me." I said trying to sound six feet tall and bullet proof, but the men that surrounded me just laughed.

I kept my eyes trained hard on Franks. I hoped he could see I was serious.

"Look I don't care either way, just as long as you know that if I walk out that door, I will make sure Jesse comes with me. And if that means that I get the Marshal in on it, then so be it." To Frank's credit he seemed to process what I had said before he answered. Maybe he was here for Jesse as well.

"You heard the lady. Out you go, come back for me in the mornin'." Frank told his friends. I found myself smiling that he had chosen right. I was happy for Jesse.

"Frank I don't think that's wise." One began to protest,

"It's the only way I will help him," I stated as a matter of fact.

"Listen whore we don't owe you a damn thing." One of the men snapped as he grabbed my arm, pulling me away from Frank.

I heard the click of a gun, before I had time to really register what was happening.

"Garrett let her go, or I will shoot you here and now," Frank warned with his gun pointed to his friend.

"Lou I have what...what's going on?" Jesse asked as he placed his armful of things on the ground next to Frank.

"Jesse maybe you should go and get Teaspoon," I suggested as calmly as I could.

"I said shut your mouth you little whore," Garrett snapped, grabbing my arm with a bit more force.

"Don't call her that." Jesse argued.

"Jesse please don't worry, it's alright." I reassured him, not wanting Garrett to turn his anger on Jesse.

"Frank get him to let her go," Jesse pleaded with his brother.

"Garrett I will not ask you again," Frank said in a voice full of authority. But I had a feeling that there were troubles in the ranks, with Garrett and Frank.

Garrett and Frank seemed to be having their own silent conversation, while I was reigning in my panic by keeping an eye on Jesse.

Garrett shoved me away from him, before he stormed out of the room. Frank looked to his other men.

"Sleep, eat, drink and be back in the morin'," he told them.

I think that Frank was waiting for an answer but his men were less than happy with him, so they just left.

I picked up the bandages, and water and I set to work on Franks arm. I wiped all the blood off, from around the wound, before drying it off. I didn't have a clue to what I was looking for, or what I should be looking for. All I could think of was getting it clean.

"Lou are you alright?" Jesse asked softly,

"Yeah, why?"

"You're crying,"

I reached up and wiped my cheeks to feel that they were wet with tears. I guess that Garrett scared me more than I knew.

"I'm fine Jesse. Now how about you try and give your brother some water and something to eat," I suggested while I sat back and tried to think of how I could keep Frank's arm from bleeding.

"Frank I think we should cauterize your wound." I blurted out of nowhere. "It's the only way I can think of sealing the wound so it doesn't continue to bleed,"

"Sounds 'bout right to me," Frank agreed after he swallowed some water. I looked around the room trying to find something metal to use. It didn't have to be big, but it needed to be solid enough to stand the heat.

"Jesse I need your belt buckle." I said when I saw how flat it was.

Jesse took his belt buckle off, not questioning it at all, which would have to be a first. Jesse never usually did anything without having to say something about it.

I tried to think how I could do this. There was no way I could hold it under the flames of the candles without the metal heating up and burning my own hand.

"Sorry Jess, you are going to have to give me your whole belt." I said as I realised what I could do.

I threaded the buckle back on to the belt and did the bet up. That way I had two leather straps to hold onto either side. It would also be perfect when I went to press it down on Frank's arm.

After placing the buckle in the flames of the candles, I waited until the metal started to glow red.

Jesse was busy talking to Frank, catching up on the last few years. I heard Frank mention their mother and I wondered why she hadn't come to see Jess.

"Jesse, grab something for Frank to bite down on, cos this is going to hurt like hell. If you don't want him to be found then we can't afford for him to be screaming."

I could see the hesitation in Jesse's eyes. He didn't like the sound of his brother hurting anymore than he already does.

"Do as she says Jess," Frank told him, knowing that his little brother was struggling.

Jesse came back with a piece of wood. I watched as he wrapped it with one of the bandages and placed it to Frank's mouth.

Frank looked to me, to which I gave him a nod. It was time to do this.

"Jesse I need you to sit on Frank and try and keep him as still as possible."

Jesse did as I asked, as I knelt down as firm as I could on his lower arm. I couldn't let him pull it away once the hot metal burnt his skin.

"Sorry Frank," I said honestly as I set the hot metal over the wound on his arm.

With a hiss, and a god awful smell, the buckle was burning a seal over Frank's wound. He struggled and kicked as he bit down hard on the piece of wood, but he soon passed out.

I pulled back the belt and threw it in the corner of the room.

"Will he be alright Lou?"

"He will be fine Jess. I think we should cool his skin off by pouring some cold water on it, and then we should dress the wound."

Jesse helped me rinse and bandage up Frank's arm. Jesse ripped the remainder of his brother's shirt off, before dressing him in another. We placed the blanket back over Frank's body keeping him warm. Jesse settled down beside him and I reached over fixing the blanket over the both of them.

I got up and walked over to the wall, keeping my back to it as I slid down onto the floor, bringing my knees up to my chest. I sat there and watched them all night, scared that Frank would leave taking Jesse with him.

The last thing I heard was the sounds of the birds waking up, before sleep finally claimed me.

"Lou wake up," I felt my body being poked; my eyes flew open scared at what they might find.

"Frank says his men will be here soon, you should take off." He whispered,

"Jesse I am not leaving here without you. So if you are ready to go then we will go, otherwise I'm here to stay." I told him, knowing that I was going to have a small fight on my hands.

"I am not going to leave Frank, Lou. I want to go with him."

"No Jesse you can't. I have no idea what Frank and his friends have been up to, but I know trouble when I see it, and I will not let you be around that." I wanted Frank to man the fuck up and back me on this. Surely he doesn't want his brother to be tied up into whatever he had himself into.

"You can't tell me what to do Lou. Frank is my family I want to go with him."

"We are your family Jesse. We have been there for you. Where was Frank? You cannot go with him." If Frank was just going to lie there, then I wasn't about to spare his feelings.

"Why are you doing this Lou? I thought you said you will help me." Jesse hissed at me, the soft tone he was using now gone.

"I am helping you, because I know that if you go with Frank, then it will be you next time with a bullet in your arm, or even worse you will be dead."

"I'm going," he said stubbornly.

"No you are not." I told him back, just as stubborn.

"Garrett was right, you are a whore." I flinched back at Jesse's words as if he had slapped me. He looked instantly regretful but it was too late the damage was done.

"Jesse you will go with Lou. I promise you that we will sort this out but for the mean time I need you to go with her."

"No, I know you Frank you will not come for me. You will leave and you won't even say goodbye, I know you won't." Jesse cried.

I on the other hand stood next to the door wanting to leave. I needed to get away from Jesse before I said something that I would regret. He had hurt me and as childish as it sounds I wanted him to hurt as well.

"Jesse go, I will say goodbye, and if you still want to come with me, you can. I promise." Frank said to a moody Jess.

I knew that if Frank turned up to tell Teaspoon he was taking Jesse, Teaspoon would make it as hard for him as possible.

Jesse gave Frank a hug, before he got up from the floor. He pushed past me and out the door. I think he knew just as much as I did that we wouldn't be seeing Frank again.

"Thank you Lou," Frank said as I turned my back.

"I didn't do it for you," I told him honestly,

"I know, and thank you for that,"

"Have a nice life Frank,"

I walked out the door, and headed for home and my bed. Jesse was waiting for me, but I was still upset with him, so we walked in silence back to the station.

"Where have you two been?" Rachel asked with her hands on her hips, and causing everyone to turn and look at us.

"Ask Jesse," I said as I went to walk away, but Jesse had other ideas.

"Lou I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, please I truly am sorry."

"Jesse you have to learn some respect and learn that there are consequences' for your actions. You hurt me,"

"I know and I'm sorry," I had to remind myself that he was just a child,

"Don't do it again." I said as I walked away from the bunkhouse, and the questions that were being fired around the room.


	7. Chapter 7

**I do not own the Young Riders, but wish I did.**

**Sorry it has taken so long for me to get this out all I can say is my kids have been sent to test me. It's been a long hard week. Now I couldn't remember just how Jesse came to be with the Riders, so please forgive me if the details are wrong.**

JIMMY

"JUST STOP," Teaspoon yelled, as we stood there asking Jesse questions, he had just told Lou he was sorry for hurting her, and we wanted to know what the hell happened.

"LOU! Get back here," Teaspoon then yelled out to Lou, who was headed for the main house.

"I want everyone inside the bunkhouse, and I want you in there now," He ordered. Teaspoon never really lost his cool, so we all knew he wasn't fooling about.

As Lou made her way over to the bunkhouse, I quickly looked her over seeing if I could see if she was physically hurt.

Apart from tired eyes she looked fine.

"Jimmy I'm fine," She said quietly as she passed me on the steps,

"What? I didn't say nothing,"

"You didn't have to I could see for myself you were giving me the once over,"

"Yeah you wish," I joked, instantly hoping I hadn't upset her, or crossed a line.

"What I'm not as pretty as those women you were with at the bar?" I knew she was just joking back to me, playing the teasing game, but what she said disturbed me. Did she not know that she was a hundred times better than those women?

I had had a great night with Ruby, but that is all it would ever be. Ruby was a woman of the world; I don't think there was a man alive that could tame her. But Lou was special. She wasn't the kind of woman you spent one night with and to forget about her two days later. I hoped she saw the difference.

I followed her into the bunkhouse, slightly confused to what Teaspoon had planned. Kid was still trying to get answers from a stubborn Jesse. I could see Teaspoon was reaching his boiling point.

"That's it, Rachel I want you to pack up the buck board for two nights. Noah, Buck and Ike I want you to help her. Jimmy, Kid and Cody I want you to saddle up the horses, we are all going. Jesse I want you...actually you can sit put and stay out of trouble." Teaspoon went to leave the bunkhouse.

"Ah, Teaspoon, where are we going?" Cody asked,

"I am going to put this family back together."

"I can't Teaspoon, I have to stay here." Jesse protested. He looked to Lou for some kind of help, but she just sat there staring back at him.

"What is so important that you can't leave for two nights?" Teaspoon inquired with intrigue.

"I can't tell you." Jesse stated, but I could see that he was just as unsure of Teaspoon's mood, as I was.

I hate to admit it, but Jesse and I are a lot alike.

"You can't tell me?" Teaspoon asked in fake amazement, Jesse shook his head no,

"Well this is exactly why you need to go. Family do not keep secrets from each other." Teaspoon said.

Jesse looked conflicted, and again looked to Lou for help. I was not the only one who was watching those two closely.

"Where were you two last night? What aren't you telling us?" Kid asked both Lou and Jesse.

"It is not my place to tell you Kid." Lou told Kid. "But I agree with you Teaspoon, we do need to get this family back on track, but for Jesse's sake, we need to give it a couple of days."

Teaspoon thought about what Lou had said for a minute, whatever was going on between Lou and Jesse Teaspoon knew that Lou wouldn't ask for more time, if she didn't think it was needed.

"Alright, a compromise, we will leave first thing tomorrow mornin'." That seemed to please everyone, not that we had a choice.

"Lou, why do you have blood on your shirt?" Rachel asked carefully, then looked to Jesse, "And you to Jesse?"

"It's not mine or Lou's, that's all you need to know." Jesse quickly muttered before storming out of the barn house leaving Lou behind with the unanswered questions.

I didn't like this one bit. I knew that this was Jesse's drama and that Lou had somehow ended up in the middle of it. I just prayed that whatever it was Lou was strong enough to handle it.

"He's right it aint' from either of us, and at this stage you don't need to know who it's from. I would tell you if you did." Of course she would. I knew that she was protecting Jesse, and there was no way she would betray him.

"Lou, you have to give me something, anything." Teaspoon pleaded.

"Teaspoon I can't, it really isn't my place to tell you. If things get worse you will be the first to know, I promise."

Teaspoon left it at that, because I knew that he too wanted to believe that Lou was strong enough to handle whatever situation Jesse had got them into.

* * *

><p>Later that day Kid, Cody, Ike, Lou and myself went to see Teaspoon to see if there was anything he needed done before we depart tomorrow mornin'. The boys and I also wanted to go and say goodbye to Ruby and her friends. There would be no buying any drinks though, as they wiped us all clean last night.<p>

"Hi Teaspoon,"

"Hi there, Lou, boys, what are you doing down my way?" before any of us could answer, a man's voice cut us off, and soon turned our promising afternoon into a shit one.

"Well lookie, lookie, lookie, if it aint' nurse Lou, tell me sweetheart I have an itch I need looked at." Cody, Ike, Kid and me all stepped slightly in front of this man, blocking his view of Lou.

"You know this fine fellow Lou?" Teaspoon asked, stepping further outside of the Marshal's office.

"Unfortunately," Lou muttered from behind us.

"Well that hurts, after the night we had last night..." Ike went to take a step closer to the asshole, but Cody grabbed him.

"She your woman boy? Were you going to be the baby's daddy?" taunting Ike, and shocking the hell out of the rest of us.

Lou gasped, and grabbed the back of my jacket. How the hell did this guy know about that? I didn't get the chance to find an answer because my fists worked on their own accord, and I punched the guy in the nose, causing him to fall back off the walkway.

He was pissed off and fiery as hell, as he got himself up off the ground and went to fly at me. Kid went to intervene, but one of the guys other friends joined in. Fists were flying in every direction, as we fought them.

A shot being fired sent us all flying back from one another. The other guys got up from the ground and took off.

"Lou, my office now," Teaspoon ordered, to which I was grateful. Lou said she would tell us if things got worse, well things have got worse.

"If that man has anything to do with what you and Jesse are keeping from us, you tell me now." Teaspoon yelled as we followed him into the Marshal's office.

Lou took a seat in one of the chairs as we all stood around her waiting on some answers.

"Could you all just take a step back?" She asked quietly. I was horrified that she had to ask. I hated that she still felt scared around us sometimes.

Realising why she had asked, each of us took a few steps back.

"What the hell is going on Lou?" Teaspoon asked a whole lot calmer than before.

"Teaspoon I can't tell..."

"Don't even bother finishing that. I want answers and I want them now." Teaspoon was angry, but I don't think that it was directed at Lou.

"That is Frank's friends." Lou finally said, obviously sensing that Teaspoon wasn't going to back down.

"And Frank is..."

"Jesse's brother."

"Why would Jesse's brother be here? And why does that guy know..."

"Garrett," Lou said to a now confused Teaspoon, "Frank's friend is Garrett. And the reason he knows about the other thing, is because Jesse was trying to convince his brother I was a woman." Lou explained.

"So that is why you are angry with him?"

"No, I'm angry with Jesse for turning into the men that Frank hangs around with. Jesse was even more obnoxious than normal, and said some shit that he didn't even realise he was saying. I really don't think Frank is the best person for Jess to be around."

"Where is this Frank?" Teaspoon asked.

"Teaspoon I can't tell you that. I have already told you too much, I don't want to lose Jesse's trust."

"I can understand that Lou, but you are leaving us blind, and that isn't a safe place to be." I stepped in and said, to which everyone else agreed to.

"I will go and talk to Frank, see if I can get an insight on what he's doing here."

"Like hell you will." Kid stated

"What is that meant to mean?"

"It means that we are not letting you go and see Frank by yourself, especially if there's a chance that Garrett and his men will be there."

"You're not letting me?" Lou asked, to which Kid shook his head. "Oh well I suppose since you have spoken then I must obey." She went to get up from her seat, "But that's right you don't own me, I can do as I please." She snapped as she walked out of the office.

"I don't like this," Kid said as he stared after Lou. I would have to agree with him on this, I didn't like that Garrett man, and I didn't like the fact that we knew nothing.

"I'll go talk to her." I stated as I walked out after Lou,

"Lou, wait up." I called out after her.

"What?" she snapped.

"Hey we are not the enemy," I reminded her. Her face looked torn, but her resolve was weakened as she told me what had her worried.

"I think Jesse is going to leave with Frank. I don't want to push Jesse to the edge, making him actually leave. If he finds out that I have told you, it may just give him a reason to flee. Frank is not a good person Jimmy, and I'm scared that if Jess leaves with him he's going to get Jesse killed."

"What do you know?" I asked softly, as I could see Lou really was having a hard time with this. She took a look around us, I think she was looking to see if Jesse was nearby, but I wasn't sure what she expected to find.

"Not much really. Frank has been shot in the last day or two. He told Jesse to not tell Teaspoon that he was here, which makes me think that he's hiding from the law."

"Anything else?" I asked as I looked around us as well. Lou was making me nervous as she continued to not look me in the eye.

"Frank and Garrett aren't exactly getting on. I don't trust Frank, but Garrett is worse, and it frightens me to what lengths he may go if things don't go his way."

I looked down into Lou's worried eyes. That was enough for me to want to put Lou and Jesse in hiding.

"Jimmy I have to go. I have to make sure Frank is still here, and I have to make sure Jesse stay's here. I need you to trust me, now is not the time to go charging in there with guns blazing."

"I have every reason not to trust you Lou, as much as it pains me to say, but I told you that I would never take your word as the truth. How can I just let you leave? If anything were to happen, we don't even know where to start looking." She looked hurt but soon disguised it with a fake smile.

"I'm sorry, but I have already told you all too much. I don't know how to earn your trust back, but maybe if you just believe me this time, next time won't be as hard." She said sadly, making me feel like shit for even bringing it up.

So reluctantly I let her go.

I watched her leave, knowing that she would most likely be alright. If this was happening two months ago I wouldn't have even questioned Lou. I would have just known she was alright. Lou has always impressed me with holding her own in the sticky situations we seem to get ourselves into.

I walked back to Teaspoon's office, needing to discuss with the boys' what Lou had just told me. I could hear laughing coming from Cody, I wondered who he was teasing this time.

"Hey Jimmy, where is Lou?" I was surprised to see Jesse there. Teaspoon discreetly shook his head at me, making me think that they hadn't discussed anything with Jesse yet.

"I don't know Jesse, and from the impression I got earlier I don't think she's too happy with you." I told him, hoping we may be able to find out an answer to one question today.

"I know, and I want to make it up to her."

"What did you do anyway?" Kid asked, making Jesse hesitate for a minute before he said,

"I called her something that I shouldn't have. I realise that I was wrong, and I really don't get what it means any way. I heard someone else call her that, and I was angry with her. She wasn't listening to me, and I wanted to hurt her feelings."

"She is the last person who needs to hurt more." Signed Ike,

"Well I'm going to go find her, so I can apologise." Jesse reassured as all.

"Ah no son I need your help around here for a bit first. Anyway Lou said she had to do something, she will be back soon." Teaspoon said as he grabbed the broom from the corner of the room.

"Where did she go?" Jesse asked suspiciously.

"I don't recall her saying. In the mean time I need the cell's swept out, and the rubbish cleared of the bins, if Lou still aint' back by then you can go find her." Jesse didn't argue, he got straight to work, while the rest of us tried to look busy doing other things.

* * *

><p>An hour later and we couldn't contain Jesse anymore, while the rest of us were fidgety and anxious to what was taking Lou so long.<p>

"_If we let Jesse go find her, maybe we could follow him, see where Frank is," _Kid whispered to me. I nodded my head in agreement. But we didn't have to do anything as Lou walked back in; she looked like she had been crying. Her eyes were red and swollen and she looked tired and pale.

I went to go up to her but she put her hand up stopping me.

"Jesse, I need you to come with me," she called out causing everyone else in the room to look at her.

"Ok Lou." Jesse said easily. I think he was just happy to have her talk to him again.

Lou knelt down in front of him, grabbing the tops of Jesse's arms. I could see she was upset but I had a feeling it wasn't herself she was upset for, it was Jesse.

"Frank, Garrett and the others are coming to the station to say goodbye."

"What? Why?" he went to struggle out of Lou's hold, "Frank has to leave, and before you ask, he and I have decided it's best you stay here for the mean time." That peeked Teaspoon's curiosity, causing him to take a step closer to Jesse.

"That isn't for you to decide Lou. Frank is my brother; you can't keep him from me."

"I can and I will. Frank is up to no good Jesse, he knows that, and I know that. We both decided until he gets it all straightened out, you need to stay here." Jesse went to struggle again, "Jesse believe me this is the right thing,"

"I hate you," Jesse cried,

"It was my idea too, Jess," a voice said from behind us.

We all turned to look at the man, I'm guessing is Frank.

"Frank you don't mean that, you have to take me with you, I'm your brother." Jessie continued to cry.

"We don't need a cry baby on the trip," Garrett sniggered

"You are such an asshole," Lou said as she stood up and rounded herself in Garrett's direction.

"Garrett that is enough," Frank ordered,

Jesse ran out of here fast. I could see he was embarrassed, and obviously didn't want Frank to see his weakness. Jesse was a tough kid, more so than what he should be at his age. But he has had to grow up quick, so appears to be older than what he is. I think we all forget that.

Lou and Garrett had their eyes locked on each other. I was just waiting for him to give me a reason to shoot him.

"Frank go after him," Lou suggested,

"Yeah Frank do as your whore tells you," Garrett snarked,

That was it, I was sick of this guy. I walked up to him and stood in front of his face, nose to nose, toe to toe. "You want to apologise to the lady?" I asked, as my fingers itched over my gun.

"Not particularly," the soon to be dead man answered.

"Jimmy, just leave it, he aint' worth the trouble." Lou pleaded, grabbing my arm so she could get me to stand down.

Her touch calmed me instantly, and while I kept my eye on Garrett, and my fingers close to my colt, I relaxed some.

"Lou I want you to go and see if Rachel needs help back at the station." Teaspoon kindly and bravely suggested. But to my surprise Lou just nodded, just another reminder that she wasn't quite right with herself yet.

We watched as Garrett turned his attention on Lou's retreating form, eyeing her up, and from the noise I heard from around the room, I wasn't the only one that noticed.

"I have had enough of this guy," Kid said, with the rest of us agreeing with him.

I had noticed that although our family haven't been getting on these last few weeks, there was always one constant that would gel us together. And that was our love we had for Lou.

After her attack, it has caused all of us to step up in one way or another. I think it scared all of just how easy it was for one or two people to come in and destroy us.

"I couldn't find Jesse," Frank said coming back to stand next to Garrett.

"We will see him through this, just like we did when his father was killed in front of him." Noah said as he came to join our group.

Frank narrowed his eyes at Noah. I looked at Noah in my peripheral vision, I had a feeling he had already seen Jesse.

"You do that slave, and while you're at it how about you shine his shoes," Frank then proceeded to throw a coin in Noah's direction. But Noah let it fall to the ground. I could see he was controlling his anger, as his jaw ticked, and his eyes narrowed further.

"I think it's time you get on your mount and leave now son," Teaspoon suggested,

"And keep away from Jesse and Lou," Kid stupidly suggested as the group walked towards their horses.

Garrett turned to look back at us then, and with a wink and a sadistic laugh he continued for his horse.

"You might as well have written him an invitation Kid," Noah hissed under his breath.

We all stood and watched the group leave. We all knew that we would be seeing them again, the question was when?


	8. Chapter 8

**I do not own the Young Riders**

**This chapter was hard for me to write. I knew in my mind where I wanted it to go, but I was having trouble writing it. I hope it makes sense, please forgive me if it doesn't. I wanted to dive a bit deeper into Lou's despair, and although it seems rough, I really wanted all her feelings and emotions to come out. **

**A big shout out to my two loyal reviewers, BrilliantDarkness, and brankel1, thank you so much. I kind of like that I'm writing this story for the three of us, and look forward to see what you think. **

Lou

"I hate you,"

Jesse's words still sat heavy in my heart, as I made my way to the station to look for him. I didn't blame him though, as I hated me too.

I hate myself more and more every day. I have no idea where the hate came from, and I don't recall when I discovered what the feeling was, that was causing me such heart ache.

I just know that it isn't going away, and I know when I look in the mirror its hate I see.

I find myself going through the day with it sitting on my shoulder, and when I find myself entrapped in my chores or out on my runs, I start to feel like I am missing something.

Hate has become my friend, my security, it has become me.

Without it I feel lost, like I'm not whole, but at the same time I want it to go away as I can feel it destroying me.

I can feel it slowly claiming me, day by day, night by night. My bones have begun to ache with the enormity of its weight.

I wonder why no one had noticed, as I feel like it's on show for all to see.

"Hi Lou honey," Rachel called out from the washing line, "How was your afternoon?"

Awful, draining, welcoming and comforting.

"Same old, same old, have you seen Jesse?"

"No I haven't honey, not for a while anyway. Are you two going to work out your rift?" she asked hopeful.

"I can't stay mad at him forever," Which was true. Jesse was the only one around me that treated me properly.

He didn't pussy foot around my feelings, what conversations we had, or the company we kept. I think that I had done more healing in his company, than I had with any other.

"Buck is in the barn, he may have idea where to find him." Rachel said as she continued to take the washing from the line.

I walked over to the barn, kicking at the pebbles that lay in the dirt on my way.

"Buck, are you in here?" I called out.

"In the last stall Lou," He called out before I saw him step outside of the stall wiping his hands on his handkerchief. I smiled at my friend, at my brother.

His face was always a delight to see, my hate pushed aside for now, as I feel like Buck sees right through my soul. Though he has not said anything, I know it is only a matter of time.

"Have you seen Jesse? He and I have a few things to talk about." I sighed. I really didn't want to have this conversation with Jesse, but I had to remind myself that he was just a child. He was hurting and I needed to be there for him, just like my family where there for me. I just wish I didn't feel so drained.

"Sorry Lou, I haven't seen him since this mornin'," I think Buck noticed my mood as he pressed the subject further. "Has something else happened?" He asked, his eyes questioning, realising.

I proceeded to tell him of the events of the afternoon, well keeping just to the basic outline of the story anyway.

"He may just need time to cool off," Buck suggested,

"Yeah maybe," I said deflated,

"But..." Buck encouraged,

"But I just have a feeling that I need to deal with this now. Then there is this other feeling that I am already too late, that he has left with Frank,"

"Then you find him Lou, don't stop listening to your feelings, they come to you for a reason," I walked up to my brother and wrapped my arms around his middle, before getting on my tip toes to kiss the side of his jaw.

"What was that for?" Buck smiled,

"You, for just being you," I smiled back as I turned around and walked out of the barn.

* * *

><p>I needed to find him, and as the afternoon grew later and later, my panic grew with it.<p>

I couldn't help but feel like this was my fault. After all I was the one who went to Frank, and pleaded with him to leave Jesse in our care.

I had looked throughout the town, but I had no idea where he could be. I knew it was about time for supper but the thought of food didn't sit well for me.

With my shoulders slumped and my heart still as heavy as this morning, I made my way to the bunk house. Maybe he had gone back there. After all he had the same appetite as Cody.

"Lou," Jimmy's voice called out from behind me, startled slightly, I swung around to see what he wanted.

"Hey Lou, what's with the sad face?" He asked me with concern.

"I can't find Jesse. I'm starting to think Frank left with him." Jimmy looked off into the distance, before looking back down to me,

"You haven't seen him since this mornin'?" I shook my head no, "You really are worried 'bout him?" I nodded my head yes, "Ok, well I will go and gather the boys and we will help you look,"

"Thank you Jimmy,"

I walked back to the station with Jimmy, keeping a good amount of distance from him. It scares me when I think of what he could do to me, and I also don't want him to be seen with me.

I still search everywhere I could with my eyes. I hoped that Jesse was still here and that Frank hadn't taken him. Frank promised me that he wouldn't, but he aint' the most trustful person I had ever met.

After filling the guys and Rachel in on where I had looked, they decided that we should go over every where again anyway, just in case I had missed something, or Jesse had moved.

We all went our separate ways as the sun disappeared behind the mountains.

I knew Jesse wasn't in town. I had looked, so instead of going to relook I decided to look further around the station.

I walked around the barn, and around the houses, hoping that he was there. But he wasn't, he was gone and I just had to accept the fact that I did not fight hard enough, once again.

Feeling defeated I went to find the others.

As I was walking into town I had a thought of where he could be. I hadn't checked the old store behind the church, where Frank had been.

I walked towards the church feeling a slither of hope that I would find him there.

As I walked past the front steps of the church I saw him. He was sitting on the ground drawing something in the dirt with a twig of some sort.

I felt a genuine smile grace my lips as I walked up to him. I hope he forgave me, and I hope he realised why I had to keep him here with us.

"There you are. I have everyone out looking for you," I sat down next to Jesse, just happy to have him found.

"I thought that maybe you had gone with Frank," I told him, scared that I might set him off again.

"He doesn't want me, nobody does." He said sadly.

"Of course he wants you, he wouldn't have come here otherwise and did I just not fight to keep you here?"

"No you want to punish me. That is why you wouldn't let me go."

"No Jesse it wasn't what all that was about. I don't know Frank, but you don't have to be a fool to realise he is in trouble, and with Garrett beside him I would say he is up to his eyeballs in it. I didn't want you to go because I was scared that we would never see you again. I was scared that someone was out there waiting for Frank or Garrett but got you instead.

We have all grown to love you Jesse. I love you, you are our little brother we want you in our family that is why I couldn't let you leave."

"That might be true Lou, but Frank is my blood family, and he has done more for me in my life than any of you. Half the time the boys are always yelling at me, Teaspoon doesn't let me do anything, I'm having a hard time believing that they think of me as family."

I sat quietly trying to think of a way to prove to Jesse how much I cared for him.

"A month before you joined us, I was attacked." Jesse looked to me with wide eyes. I didn't want Jesse knowing any of this, but it felt like the right time to tell him.

"I was on my way back from a run, when a man by the name of Roberts stopped me. He had been pressuring Jimmy to fight him, but Jimmy refused to be called out. I don't think that Roberts knew I was a girl until he found my dress...

But something tells me he did. I had a feeling the whole thing was planned from the start, and I hate myself for allowing them to do that to me."

"Them? And do what?" Jesse asked concerned,

"Roberts had a friend with him, he snuck up behind me. They are...they raped me and beat me pretty bad." I swallowed the painful lump in my throat, but it was too late the tears were already coming.

"Lou..." Jesse cried with me, allowing a little more hate to creep inside of me, I wasn't telling him this to hurt him.

"I don't remember fighting them Jess. I like to think I did, but I can't know for sure. I remember screaming for them to stop, to stop hurting me, but I don't recall physically fighting them, and I hate myself for it. If I was just as strong as Jimmy, or any of the other boys I would have fought.

It is my fault that it happened, I had no right being out there, doing a man's job. I hate that I still put myself out there time and time again, knowing that something like that could happen to me again, why do I do that?"

I wiped my eyes of the tears that clouded my vision.

"Do you know how hard it was for me to go into that room with you, and have Frank, Garrett and the other three men in there?" Jesse shook his head no.

"I was scared the whole time." I told him truthfully. I was worried that this was all too heavy for him.

"Is that why you were crying?" he asked quietly,

"Garrett scared me when he grabbed me. But Jesse I would put myself in that situation time and time again for you. And I did. I went back to that same situation this afternoon for you, because I care about you too much to just allow you to go with Frank. I will always fight for you Jesse, always."

"But Frank is my brother,"

"I know Jesse and he will always be your brother, I'm not taking that away from you. Frank is in a shitty situation and it wasn't safe for you to be with him. No one ever said that a couple of months down the track that situation might change. I have said to Frank that he is welcome here any time, just as long as he doesn't bring trouble with him."

"I'm sorry Lou. I'm sorry that I called you a whore, and I'm sorry I told you that I hated you, cos' I don't."

"I know Jesse, and I'm sorry I sent Frank away. Just know that where he is, or any of us are in this world you are loved, and we will come back for you."

Jesse wrapped his arms around me, and I him. I did think of him as a brother, and it made me sad when I thought about my real brother and sister. Life was just not working out like I thought.

"Let's go find the others, you must be hungry," I told him as I eased my hold on him.

Jesse held his hand out towards me, I placed my hand in his and he helped me up from the ground. I went to say thank you but Jesse's face was concentrated on something behind me.

I turned my head to see that Teaspoon, Buck and Jimmy where standing there. Had they been there the whole time?

The look on Teaspoon's face told me they had. The sick feeling started in my stomach and crept up through my body.

I hate that they know.

I hate that I came home to them.

I turned my face away from them and looked to Jesse, "Shall we go and get our supper?"

"Yeah I'm starving," He smiled.

"Me too," I lied as we turned and started walking to the bunkhouse. Jesse stopped in front of Teaspoon, Buck and Jimmy.

"I'm sorry that I ran off," He told them.

"That's ok son, we found you, that is the main thing." Teaspoon told him with a smile that did not match the look in his eyes. I looked to Buck and Jimmy who were both staring at me. Quickly I gazed down to the dirt, not wanting to be seen.

"Well we better head back before Cody eats all our meals," Teaspoon joked as we all started for the bunkhouse.

No one said anything as we walked in silence back to the bunkhouse. Once it was in sight Jesse took off fast towards Rachel's figure that was pacing the porch, leaving me with Teaspoon, Buck and Jimmy.

"Louise, Roberts and Samuels were big men, even if you did fight, you still would have..."

"I know Teaspoon, but maybe if I fought, I would hate myself less than what I do now." I told him before picking up my pace towards the bunkhouse, not wanting to continue with this conversation.

"LOU!" Jimmy called out,

"I don't want to talk about it Jimmy, I just want to eat and to get some sleep."

"No you are going to talk about this now," he continued catching up to me.

"Jimmy please, I..." Jimmy grabbed my arm and pulled me around to look at him.

"Jimmy let me go." I asked calmly, not wanting to become panicked, and not wanting to see the hurt on his face when he realised that he was scaring me.

"I would never hurt you like that," He told me not letting go of my arm.

I could feel myself start to shake but I didn't know if it was from anger or fear.

"Ah Jimmy I don't think..." Teaspoon started but my stupid panic and fear took over when Jimmy didn't let go when I asked.

"LET ME GO!" I yelled, deciding it was fear that was causing me to shake.

"I will not hurt you," Jimmy repeated.

"Jimmy let her go," Kid's voice said from somewhere.

"I want her to see that we wouldn't hurt her, I will not hurt her." He told Kid.

"Really? What the fuck do you call this," I gestured to my arm in his grip, no he wasn't holding me tight, but he was restraining me.

"I'm barely touching you Lou. You know me. I will not hurt you,"

"Jimmy, come on man..." Buck's voice said from somewhere beside me.

They were all around me, I could feel their eyes, oh god they were all around me. I'm trapped.

"We will not hurt you. Come on Lou you know me, you know us. You say you didn't fight. Fight now, fight your fear. Deep down you know I will not hurt you. Don't let the fear win, I will not hurt you."

"Stop fucking saying that," I cried feeling tears cascade down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry Lou, I just wanted you to see that I wouldn't hurt you, we wouldn't hurt you. I just grabbed your arm..."

"I was held down by my arms while Roberts did...put...grabbed...I...I...it hurts...I'm hurt...I...I..." Jimmy let me go immediately. I fell to the ground, as sobs freely raked through my body.

"Lou,"

I know that it is my family around me.

They will not hurt me.

They will not hurt me.

"Lou,"

They will not hurt me.

"_Fight the fear,"_

They will not hurt me.

"Lou,"

They will not hurt me.

"_Fight the fear,"_

"Louise,"

"Rachel?"

"Yeah Louise, its Rachel, are you alright honey?"

"I um...Jimmy...he..."

"I know honey. How bout we get you to the house?" I got up from the ground, and looked around me to see my family all staring. I couldn't see their eyes, as my own were glassed over with my tears.

"You idiot," I heard Kid say, before a scuffle broke out. I couldn't see who was who, but I knew that it was Kid and Jimmy.

I was causing them pain. The family were falling apart because of me.

I didn't want to be here anymore. I needed to get away from all of this, all of them. I'm hurting them.

"I'm done," I said quietly defeated,

"Louise..."

"No Rachel I'm done, I can't be here anymore," I looked for the only face that mattered at the moment because I knew I was going to let him down. I had just told him I was his family but I was leaving him too.

"Jesse I'm sorry, I just can't be here."

"Louise honey, what are you talking about?"

"I can't be here. I can't be around you, I'm hurting you all and I'm hurting myself. I can't breathe I can't live like this anymore."

"Louise you can't..."

"Rachel, I had no right to this kind of life to begin with."


	9. Chapter 9

**I do not own the Young Riders**

**This chapter takes off near the end of the last chapter. I am sorry it is only short, but I needed to end it where I have, for the next chapter to work. **

Jimmy

"I was held down by my arms while Roberts did...put...grabbed...I...I...it hurts...I'm hurt...I...I..." I let her go immediately, as my stomach churned when I heard where her mind was at.

I was an ass. All I was trying to do was to get her to fight. I didn't want her to fear me, but I just made it worse.

We all watched as Lou warred with herself. She was shaking in fear.

Kid kept calling out her name, and I wanted to scream at him to shut the fuck up, but I couldn't take my eyes off the broken doll in front of me.

"Louise," Rachel said carefully, I thought it would go unnoticed just like Kid's plea's, but it worked as Lou seemed to come out of her state.

"Rachel?" She asked in a dazed tone,

"Yeah Louise, its Rachel, are you alright honey?" Rachel's own voice was quivering, as she watched the woman she thought of as a daughter, fall apart.

"I um...Jimmy...he..." She started, but was unable to finish her sentence. I had hurt her, not physically, but emotionally.

I knew more than anyone that being hurt emotionally, left deep scars. The way my father would speak to me, what he did to my mother, emotional scars run deeper than physical ones.

"I know honey. How bout we get you to the house?" Rachel suggested, as she went to help Lou.

"You idiot," Kid yelled as he came at me from the side. I did not stop him. I did not fight back. I welcomed this pain, as I deserved this pain.

I hurt her. I hurt Lou, one of the only women that meant anything to me.

"I'm done," Her voice said sounding broken, and I hated it.

I hated the way it sounded coming from her, and I hated what those words meant.

"Louise..." Rachel went to argue.

"No Rachel I'm done, I can't be here anymore," What? No. She can't mean that. She swung around to look at Jesse.

"Jesse I'm sorry, I just can't be here." She told him sadly.

"Louise honey, what are you talking about?" Rachel asked, not getting what Lou was on about. But I knew, I knew what she was going to say and do.

"I can't be here. I can't be around you, I'm hurting you all and I'm hurting myself. I can't breathe I can't live like this anymore."

"Louise you can't..."

"Rachel, I had no right to this kind of life to begin with."

"LOU!" I yelled, but Kid went for me again.

Lucky for me Buck held him back, so I could pursue Lou.

"God damn it Lou, do not walk away." I warned as I walked behind her. I was well aware that she was scared of me at the moment, and I had to try and remember that.

"What more do you want form me? I have nothing left to give, can't you see that?"

"Bullshit Lou, bullshit. You need to fight for us like you did with Jesse. I heard you. I heard what you told Jesse, you need to do the same for us. Don't we deserve it? You need to fight for us, fight the fear."

"Jimmy it is not just the fear that I have had enough with. It is everything about my life, it is everything about me."

She looked so utterly broken and I wasn't sure that I wasn't making it worse.

"I shouldn't have been there. I should not have fooled you all, fooled the company in thinking I was a man, that I could handle this job. I had no right. No right at all."

"Lou, when will you see that what happened to you was not your fault?"

"I don't know Jimmy, how 'bout the same time you do." She snapped back.

I had not told anyone of my underlining guilt. Of course this whole fucking thing was my fault, how could it not be?

"Your right Lou, I do blame myself. If I had just met Roberts, and taken him out, you would not have come to any harm. He saw you with me. He knew that you mean something to me. This was not about you, this was about me."

"He didn't hurt you Jimmy, he hurt me. He still continues to hurt me." Lou cried in anguish.

"Of course he hurt me Lou. My heart fucking aches when I see you struggle every day. I hurt when I see the sadness in your eyes, I hurt with every flinch you make when I'm around. We all love you Lou and we are all hurting in one way or another."

"It's different." She said so coldly,

"I know its different Lou but..."

"No Jimmy you don't know. You don't go through the day, feeling his hands on your skin, smelling the whisky on his breath, and his laughing in your ears. He is still with me, and I can't get him off me. He was mean, and he was rough..."

Her cries turned into gut wrenching wailing as her mind took her back to that night, this torture, watching her suffer like this. I don't know how she did it, but she found the will to keep going, to keep telling us all what she was feeling.

And we were all listening. We could all hear her pain and agony behind every word she spoke.

"I hate myself. I hate myself in the worse kinds of ways. I walk round town feeling ugly, I look in the mirror and all I see is ugliness. I'm covered in dirt half the time. I wear clothes that are designed for men. My hair is short and has no shine.

The women that are always around you and the others are beautiful. They are clean, graceful, beautiful, so why me? Why did Roberts pick me?"

"I don't know Lou maybe it was because he saw what you mean to me." I admitted. I think back to that day in town when Roberts watched Lou and I, he obviously saw that I cared for her. "Where are all those woman that you say surround themselves around us? Where are they Lou?"

Lou shook her head, not knowing what to say.

"They come and they go. Lou you are ten times better than any of those women, and that is what Roberts saw."

I watched as Lou continued to cry, she looked up to the sky as she wiped her eyes of her tears. What I wouldn't give, to not see her shed another tear.

"Do you want to know the sickest thing in all of this?" I didn't know what to say to that. I had a feeling it was going to hurt her and us more than before.

"That was the only thing in months that reminded me I was a women. It took something like that, to remind me I am a fucking woman, but still not women enough to carry a child." I heard Rachel let out a cry, and I would be lying if I said that I didn't have to swallow my own.

"I can't live like this anymore. I can't pretend to be somebody I'm not."

"Then don't. Be Louise."

Lou seemed to think about that for a second. Her eyes looked around her. I looked behind me to see that everyone was still watching, waiting.

"Fight for you, fight for me Lou. Don't let Roberts win, please."

I returned my eyes back to hers. She looked at me, I could see she wanted to do something, but she wasn't sure. I was about to ask, but Lou slowly, painstakingly slowly walked up to me. Her body shook as she stood in front of me, her head coming up to my chest.

I looked down into her big brown eyes, so sad, so hurt, god how I wanted to take her pain away.

"Hold me," she cried, "Please can you hold me,"

I didn't know if I should, but the desperation in her voice and in her eyes told me that is exactly what I should do.

I wrapped my arms around her back, as she wrapped hers around my middle. Her head rested on my chest, as I raised one of my hands to the back of her head. I held her to me while she cried her wee heart out.

I have no idea how long we stayed there, but after a while I felt Lou's knees start to buckle. I caught her before she slumped, and I held her in my arms.

"Let's get her in bed," Rachel said from beside me.

I picked Lou up bridle style and followed Rachel inside the house.

"Bring her to her room," she said quietly.

I carried Lou into her room and went to lay her on the bed, but she grabbed a hold of me.

"Don't leave me," she whispered,

I looked up to Rachel wondering what I should do.

"Lou honey let me get you ready for bed, and then Jimmy can come back in,"

"Don't leave me," she repeated,

"I'm not leaving you Lou. I will be right out that door."

Reluctantly I let her go and I waited out her door. I could her soft cries as Rachel got her changed.

After a few minutes Rachel came back out,

"You can go in Jimmy," Rachel said not sounding sure if this was the right thing.

I nodded my head as I walked back into Lou's room. Lou lay under her blankets, her eyes closed but tears still made their way down her cheeks.

I took my boots off, and my jacket. I unbuckled my colts, and placed them beside the bed with my hat resting on top of them.

"Jimmy, please just hold me," she cried.

"Hang on baby girl,"

I lay beside her, but on top of the blankets. Once I was settled back on the bed, Lou inched closer to me. I wrapped my arms around her caging her to me. She felt right, she felt safe, I didn't ever want to let her go, and that scared the shit out of me.

"I will always fight for you," she said softly, making my heart swell.

"And I will always fight for you," I told her with conviction.

"I'm sorry I freaked out on you,"

"Lou if any man, including Teaspoon or me and the other boys, grab you like that, and you don't like it, I would hope you would freak out. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you." I placed a kiss to the top of her head. It was so soft that she probably didn't even feel it.

I stayed awake all night, scared that if I fell asleep she would leave, scared that if I closed my eyes something would happen to her.

She did not move she did not stir. She stayed asleep in my arms all night.


	10. Chapter 10

**I do not own the Young Riders, sadly.**

**There is a lot going on in this chapter, so hope it makes sense. I felt like the Kid and Lou thing wasn't quite sorted, so I wanted to get some things out between them.**

**I also wanted Lou to show some sort of healing, so I hope I have portrayed that. Not my favourite chapter, but does have things that I needed to get out before I could move on. Let me know what you think. **

**Thank you for your reviews, they make my day.**

Lou

"It aint' right Teaspoon, he shouldn't be in there with her." That was Kid's voice,

"Son, I think we are past what is right and wrong in this life. Lou needs him, and that is all any of us should care about. I want to see that girl shine again, above all else."

"Now out, you boys have chores to do," Teaspoon told Kid and I'm guessing the rest of the boys.

I didn't know what they were on about at first, until I felt Jimmy's arms hold me a little tighter.

I was absolutely certain that last night was the first night I had slept for a long time. The sun was shining brightly through the sheer drapes, alerting me that it was morning, and by the looks of it late morning. How long had I slept?

"You awake Lou?" Jimmy asked quietly behind me, I couldn't help but smile. Knowing he was there made me happy, and safe.

"Yip." I said popping the 'P'

"I'm guessing Kid aint' to happy 'bout you sleeping in my bed," I stated,

"You heard that ha'?"

"MmmHmm, Thank you Jimmy,"

"I didn't do anything Lou,"

I turned in his arms, so I could face him. His hair was covering most of his face, so with my hand I brushed it from his eyes.

"You stayed with me," I pointed out.

"I am so sorry for yesterday. I didn't mean to go off on you like that." I told him embarrassed by my confessions and behaviour last night.

"Like I told you last night, you have nothing to apologise for. Lou you have to learn that we are all here for you. We are your family, and you can talk to us about anything. You can talk to me about anything." He stated, as he looked me in the eye.

"You are a good friend Jimmy Hickok,"

* * *

><p>That night changed my life. It was three weeks ago and I am feeling lighter, as I let some pent up anger and emotions flow freely out of me that night.<p>

I have been doing well with sleeping, but there is the odd night that I find myself stuck in the darkest of dreams. Jimmy has taken to coming to my rescue. He climbs into my bed and wraps me up tight in his secure arms.

The biggest thing to change since that night is I no longer pretend that I am a man. I proudly walk around being the woman I was born to be. It has taken a few people by surprise, and to my surprise a lot of people already knew.

Rachel has been fantastic, and she and I seem even closer than what we were before. I have taken her job at the way station, so she can concentrate on being the great teacher that she is.

Cody often begs her to come back, as it is taking me a while to get the cooking thing right. But with brave faces the boys all seem to chew through it.

Teaspoon was looking to hire a new rider to take my place, but hasn't been able to find the right person. I feel guilty when I see the boys working harder than what they had to. So I often find myself still doing the manly chores around the yard, to help them out a bit.

Jesse is doing well at school, and all the girls seem to like his cheeky charm. There are not a lot of boys his age in the town, so I think that he finds that hard. I can tell he misses Frank, and I often find him staring out to the horizon, and I know he is hoping that Frank's figure is going to appear.

The rest of the boys have been fantastic. And more and more I am finding myself comfortable in their presence. I have had the occasional freak out, but we all seem to get through it. I know in my heart that I am getting stronger.

Sometimes I actually seem to push myself, place myself in a situation that I don't like and see how I cope. More times than not, I have been fine, and the others...well not so good.

And that is what I am doing tomorrow.

I received a letter from Emma, saying that she and Sam are going to be in St Joe. She told me that they wanted to talk to me about something important and would I mind meeting them there.

I talked to Teaspoon about, it worried that something was wrong, but he soon assured me that if anything was wrong he would know about it too. After I thought about it I wrote back to Emma letting her know that I would love to meet them both there.

I also thought it would be a great opportunity to go and visit with Teresa and Jeremiah. I feel guilty that I haven't sent for them, but I haven't been in a position to either. I hoped they understand.

So now that everything was sorted I was on my way back to the station to pack for my trip. I was anxious and I was scared, but that is good. I needed to do this.

"Louise, wait up." Rachel called out from the other side of the street. I was still getting use to being called Louise most of the time. In fact I was still getting use to being a girl in front of everyone.

"Oh Louise, I'm glad I caught you. Teaspoon said that you were going to be meeting Sam and Emma in St Joe, I would love to come with you." She hinted with a huge smile on her face.

"And why would you like to come with me?"

"I would love to meet your brother and sister, and Emma and Sam too, and maybe we could buy you some more dresses." She quickly fired out that last bit.

"Why do I need more dresses?" I said in amusement. I knew where this conversation was going.

"Well, ever since you decided to become more Louise than Lou, you still continue to wear those frumpy clothes."

She was right. I still found myself wearing my usual man's clothing. I don't know why 'cause I really do hate them, but they are also my somewhat security blanket.

I have found that if I am by myself, and I see a man or woman stare at me, and I don't like it, I quickly button up my top buttons on my shirt, pull my hat lower to cover my face, and slip my glasses on to hide my eyes.

I was still learning to place my trust in my family, but I guess I needed to start doing that with the people in my town as well.

"Sorry Lou, have I upset you?" Rachel asked concerned.

"No I was just thinking. Ok let's do it, let's go buy me some dresses." Rachel wrapped her arms around me, squealing slightly.

I laughed and hugged her back. I was guessing that this girl's trip away was something she needed more than me. I was just looking forward to see Teresa and Jeremiah, and wondering what Emma and Sam wanted to see me about.

"What has got you girls all fired up about?" Teaspoon laughed as he came to stand next to us. I looked up to see Ike and Kid were with him.

"Well Teaspoon you are going to have to give the apron to Jimmy, Louise and I are off on a trip." Rachel smiled to an amused Teaspoon and Ike, and a not so amused Kid.

"And how are you ladies getting there?" Teaspoon inquired.

"Riding,"

"Taking the coach," we both answered together.

"Rachel I am not taking the coach," I told her sternly.

"And I aint' riding on no damn horse."

"Good then stay here," I told her.

"Fine, a compromise, we will take the buckboard." She said before turning on her heal and walking off, obviously she thought the conversation was over.

"Well you better get moving, I will catch up to you tomorrow," I yelled out, before turning to a laughing Teaspoon and Ike. "The buckboard? It's going to take us a week to get there."

"Well then I guess you better get packing, and I better find Jimmy so he can get cooking," Teaspoon laughed as he stretched out his suspenders, before he made his way back to the Marshal's office.

"Lou I don't think you should go at all, I mean..." Kid started but Ike gave him a slap on the arm, and signed for him to stop.

"What? I just don't think it's a good idea for you two woman to be travelling alone."

"We will be fine Kid,"

"I really don't think it's wise, with pending war on our doorstep, I think I should come with you."

"Kid if you come with us, it won't be a girl's getaway," I joked hoping to turn this into a lighter conversation.

"You've never needed one before, so why now?" He snapped loudly, shocking me, Ike and a couple of bystanders.

"Kid calm down, what has gotten into you?" I asked confused.

"You keep pushing me away, all I want to do is be close to you and you keep pushing me further and further away."

I went to walk away, hoping that Kid would follow as this was not a conversation I wanted the town folk to hear. As I turned my back, Kid grabbed my hand. I stopped immediately.

It was not the fact he had grabbed me, it was the way he grabbed me. He was angry and that showed in the force he was using.

"Kid, let go of me, and then we can go and talk about this." Kid let go at once, the boys knew that all I had to do was ask, and I was thankful that Kid was still in sound mind.

Ike was staring at Kid, not liking at all what he was seeing.

"Walk with me Kid, and we can talk." I wanted to get away from prying eyes.

"I feel like I am not a part of your life anymore. I watch as you go to Jimmy for everything, and I watch as he runs to you when you are screaming in your sleep. You use to come to me. I want you to still come to me."

"I'm sorry Kid. I really didn't mean to do that. I suppose I do depend on Jimmy more than any other, but I don't know how to explain it. He just...he feels like home for me."

"He can't give you the life you want," Kid snapped again.

"How do you know what I want, when I don't know myself?"

"You are a woman Lou. You should want marriage, children, and a husband that loves you."

"No Kid that is what you want. I can't even think of those things, I don't want those things at the moment."

"You will one day Lou," I thought he and I had sorted this out, but obviously I wasn't clear enough.

"And I might not as well. Don't wait for me Kid, cos' I'm not the one."

I hated the look of sadness in his eyes.

"What we shared Lou, I love you and I know you loved me so how do we throw that away?"

"I don't want to throw it away Kid, but like I have told you before you will find someone else. There is someone else out there that wants the same things as you. Let the idea of you and me go and you will find her. I will always be your friend, we have been through too much for us not to be friends, but that is all I can be for you."

I smiled up at him hoping that we could be just that, friends. I think he and I have shared too much to think of each other as brother or sister, but surely friends is still on the table.

Kid shook his head no. I could see he disagreed with everything I had just said. I felt my smile droop, along with my hope. I was still hurting Kid and I prayed we would find our common ground once again.

With a parting look I headed off towards the station, but to my dismay Kid still hadn't finished, he pulled on my arm once again, spinning me around to face him, he placed his hands on either side of my face before he lent in and captured my lips with his.

At first I was too shocked to do anything. My eyes were wide looking at the closed eyelids of Kid's; did he really just do this?

I started pushing him back with my arms, but he was glued tight to my mouth. He was too strong for me to move him, so I did the only thing I could think of, I bit his lip.

"Owwwlll, shit Lou," he spat holding his lip.

I could hear Noah and Buck calling out and running this way, but I didn't care, I raised my hand and slapped Kid's face as hard as I could.

"How dare you,"

"Lou I only wanted..."

"HOW DARE YOU," I roared, furious that he would do that.

"I love you Lou, I know you still love me, I just wanted to show you..."

"By forcing me? You are not a stupid man Kid, but what you just did...if it had been anyone else, anyone I would have killed them. Be my friend, and that is it."

"Lou I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do, I didn't know how to show you," Poor Kid, I hated seeing him like this, but I was wild at his behaviour.

"Come on Kid let's go cool off," Noah suggested as he indicated with his head to the saloon.

Buck came up to me and lightly placed his hands on the tops of my arms, as he looked down at me.

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, angry but fine. I cannot believe he just did that. I feel awful that I haven't had much time for him. This whole thing hasn't been fare on him either."

"Lou Kid is a little hot headed, especially when it comes to you, and I think that you know that. That is why you didn't shoot him," Buck laughed, "You knew you were in no real danger with him, and you knew that he can be that stupid." I smiled up at Buck, "You are healing more than you think," He smiled.

"Walk a girl home?" I asked sweetly,

"It would be my pleasure." He laughed.

"So I hear you and Rachel are heading out soon."

"Yes, that is what set Kid off. Now that I'm a girl every day a week, he is teaching me what is right and wrong. Women do not travel alone."

"I hate to tell you Lou but he was like that when you were a boy half the time. He's old fashioned, raised right I suppose you could say, you can't fault him for that."

"I suppose not," I sighed, "I really do hope he finds someone,"

Buck agreed with me as we walked home. I arrived to find Rachel already packed, and not just for her, but for me as well. We decided to leave first thing in the morning.

* * *

><p>At the dinner table that night, things were a little awkward to say the least. Kid was quiet as he pushed his food around the plate. Rachel was happily talking about our trip away, Jimmy kept asking if he had missed something with Kid's mood the way it was.<p>

Ike went to tell him but Buck kicked Ike's chair shaking his head no. Cody was oblivious to what was going on around him as he shovelled his meal into his mouth, like it was his last feed.

I couldn't leave like this, I needed to make things right with Kid, and although I knew it would never be right in his eyes I had to try.

"Kid outside now," Everyone looked up shocked with my outburst.

"Lou I don't think..." Noah started, but I gave him a look that said clearly, 'shut up'

"Kid I'm not leaving while there is this thing between us, please come out and talk to me."

He looked up from his uneaten meal and nodded his head. I looked to Buck who gave me a wink in encouragement. He knew like I did that I had to fix this.

As I turned to leave I happened to catch a strange look on Jimmy's face. But it was soon gone when he found my eyes. Instead he smiled at me and then continued to eat his meal.

I started walking for the barn, knowing Kid was following me.

"Kid I really hate that there's this thing between us." I started,

"You put it there to begin with Lou. You put it there by throwing what we had away, and finding comfort in another man's arms. Do you have any idea on how that makes me feel? I wish you could have come to me, I wish that I was enough for you to want me."

"It's not like that Kid. I never said you weren't enough for me, I just said I cannot be who you want me to be."

"But you are,"

"No Kid I'm not. A few months back maybe, but I have changed. Don't you want someone you can come home to, to kiss sweetly, to carry off to your room? I cannot be that person for you. I can't be that person for anyone."

"You won't always feel like that Lou, I can wait."

"I don't want you to wait. I want to see you happy now. And if I'm happy with seeing you with another woman, don't you think that it is over between you and me? I love you, but I am not in love with you."

Kid looked destroyed as he sat back on top of the hay pile. He placed his head in the palms of his hands hiding himself from me.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I keep hurting you, it was not my intention."

"No Lou, I think it was me that made this hurt. I should have listened to you the first time you told me this, but I look at the way you and Jimmy look at each other. You can be in a crowded room, and you are both not content until you find one another. I watch how he hangs off every word you say, and you him.

I watch how he can calm you down with the simplest words or the lightest touch, and I'm jealous. I am jealous that he can be that person for you, and I am jealous because I know that one day you will both see what I see when you look at each other, and that is love, and I didn't like it because I think that I have always seen it there on both of your faces.

You two respect each other more so than any other. He has always trusted you, believed in you when I didn't." He sighed out loud as he looked up at my face.

"I am sorry Lou about kissing you like that today, about grabbing you, I saw my opportunity and I went for it. I didn't want to walk away knowing that I didn't do enough to make you see that I love you."

"I know you love me Kid, and please know that I love you."

"Can we move on from here? I mean I haven't pushed you further away have I?"

"No Kid, you haven't. And I like to think we can move on." I leant down and kissed his cheek, "But please keep the kisses to the cheeks only," I smiled, hoping to ease the tension.

Kid and I stayed and talked about my trip to St Joe, we both wondered why Sam and Emma had asked to meet me there. I must admit I was looking forward to see Emma again.

After a while we decided to head back to the bunkhouse. I wasn't sure if I should go in. I looked over the main house to see the light flickering behind the drapes, so I knew Rachel was there and not with the boys.

"I might head on to bed. I have a few big days ahead of me and..." The door to the bunkhouse opened and Jimmy stepped out.

"Everything alright out here?" He asked looking between Kid and me.

"Yeah we're good. Anyway I'm going to turn in, see you both tomorrow."

"Night Lou,"

"Yeah night Lou,"

They both said as I walked away. I was looking forward being in that saddle tomorrow, it feels like forever since I was last there. And I think some time away will give us all some well deserved space.

I think I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It had been such an exhausting day I think my body was thankful for the rest.

But my mind had other ideas. Roberts face soon made its presence known in my dreams. I kept thinking wake up, just wake up, but I couldn't it was like my lids were glued shut.

I felt like I was fighting an unfightable force, I don't remember screaming, and I don't remember calling out for Jimmy, but I do remember him whispering in my ear that he was there, and that no one was going to hurt me.

My heart eased up on its drumming as I let Jimmy's words wash through me. I fell back into a restless slumber, but when I would awake with a start, Jimmy's hold on me would tighten letting me know he was there.

* * *

><p>An annoying knocking woke me. I opened my eyes to see it was only just light out,<p>

"Louise, you gotta' get up honey, we gotta' get moving," I groaned when I realised that she was right. We had a long ways to travel, and if we wanted to make the most of the light we needed to leave now.

"You know I'm going to miss you," Jimmy said softly. I smiled liking the sound of that.

"I won't be gone long," I reminded him, "Plus you will be busy, cooking, cleaning, you won't have time to miss me," I joked,

"Ha-ha, you scared that I will be better at it, than you?"

"We all know you are better at cooking than me, hell even Teaspoon is better,"

Jimmy laughed, cos' he knew it was the truth.

"Jimmy can you keep an eye on Jesse? I worry about him."

"I know you do, and he will be fine." I turned to face Jimmy. He looked like he was warring with himself,

"What are you thinking about?" I asked,

"I'm going to only ask you this once, please don't jump down my throat. I only want to make sure that..."

"God Jimmy spit it out,"

"Are you sure that you don't want one of us to come with you?"

"No Jimmy, no, I don't want anyone to come, Rachel and I will be fine."

"I know you will be. I just thought I would ask." The look in his eye told me he was anything but happy about Rachel and me going by ourselves, but he let the subject rest.

"Ok, well you better get out so I can get ready," I told him, feeling awake and ready to tackle the day.

I felt the bed shift as he got off of it, "See you in a bit," he said as he closed the door behind him.

I hoped that I could learn to sleep without the help of Jimmy while I was gone. The things Kid had said yesterday are making me feel a bit uneasy. I was depending on Jimmy far too much, I didn't want lines to get blurred or crossed.

I quickly got dressed, threw my hair in a pony tail, made my bed and straightened my room. I was going to miss the comfort of my mattress while we were gone. It has been a while since I have had to sleep on the cold hard ground, luckily for me it would only be a couple nights.

I closed the door and headed for outside. I saw Rachel all set and ready on the buckboard. I still cannot believe that we were taking that thing.

All the guys were standing around, I watched as Teaspoon slipped a rifle in the back of the wagon. I hoped we didn't need that.

"Come on Louise, the sooner we leave the sooner we get there."

Rachel's excitement was becoming contagious as I felt a smile tug on the corners of my lips. Kid was holding Lightning steady. I walked over and grabbed the reins.

"Thanks Kid,"

"Safe ride Lou," he gave the calf of my leg a friendly squeeze, before he took a step back.

"Bye boys, see you in a few days, maybe a week." I looked to Rachel in shock, as did everyone else.

"If it takes that long, we will send a rider," I told them so they didn't worry. I had no idea what Sam and Emma wanted so who knows how long we would be gone for.

"Ah Cody is going to be up that way in four days," Teaspoon started, before Cody cut in,

"I will come find you, let me know then."

I gave them both a nod and then looked to Jesse, who was looking a little sad.

"Don't let the boys boss you around Jesse," I told him honestly.

"Alright Lou, hurry home," With a wink I gave Lightning a kick with my heel. I waved to everyone before taking off to follow Rachel in the buckboard. This was going to be a big week.


	11. Chapter 11

**I do not own the Young Riders.**

**Thanks for your reviews.**

Lou

The ride was slow, as I knew it would be. The company was great as I knew it would be. But as we rode into St Joe my stomach filled with butterflies.

I had tried not to think too hard on what Emma and Sam needed, but now that I am here, it is all I can think about.

"Louise have you been listening to a word I have said?" Rachel asked with annoyance.

"Sorry Rachel my head is in another place."

"I say we head straight to the Hotel, find us a room. Then we will go and meet your friends."

"Sounds good to me," I agreed as we continued to make our way through the town.

After placing Lightning in the blacksmiths barn, and taking the wagon off of the other horse, Rachel and I made our way to the Hotel.

"Loulabelle, is that you?"

I spun round so fast that I nearly tripped over my own legs. There has only been one that has ever called me that.

"Emma," I ran up to her and wrapped my arms around her. She looked just how I remembered her.

"Oh Loulabelle, how I have missed you, and look at you," She said as she touched my hair, "the boys must be falling over themselves to impress you."

"Not exactly, no. Emma it is so good to see you." A clearing of a throat made me look up,

"Sorry and you to Sam," I hesitated for a second but gave him a hug as well.

"Let me introduce Miss Rachel Dunn," I pulled Rachel's hand to come stand next to me.

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you Emma. You left some pretty big shoes for me to fill,"

"It's a pleasure to meet you to Rachel, let me guess Jimmy is cooking..."

"Yes," we all laughed.

After we caught up for a minute I excused Rachel and I to go and find a room. I made dinner plans to meet with Sam and Emma later in the evening. Rachel declined the invitation, as she knew that they wanted to talk with me.

* * *

><p>Settling into our room, we ordered two hot baths, and we both sunk down into the sudsy goodness.<p>

After a long hot soak, I stepped into my blue dress, and did my hair. I was nervous as hell wondering what was going to come up at dinner.

After a quick goodbye to Rachel I made my way to the restaurant. I know that Emma wouldn't have asked me here for anything bad, but that still didn't settle my nerves.

I walked into the room and instantly found Sam and Emma. They were both in deep conversation, and they looked as nervous as I felt.

I walked up to their table,

"Evening," I said, causing the two of them to look up and stop with their discussion.

"Oh Loulabelle, you look lovely," Emma smiled. She has always been a motherly figure, where with Rachel I would consider us more friends.

"Thank you Emma and you too." Sam got up and pulled my chair out for me.

"So what has been happening with you two these last couple of years?"

They sat and told me about Sam's job, and how great the town was. Emma isn't working but does lots of volunteer work for the school. This prompted me to ask if children were on the cards for them.

"We have been trying to have children for two years now. I'm guessing god has other plans for us." Emma said sadly.

"I'm sorry Emma, I didn't know."

"You couldn't have known Louise, please don't worry."

"Tell me Louise what are your plans regarding Teresa and Jeremiah?" Sam asked. The question took me back for a minute, it seemed so formal.

"Well I had hoped that I would have them with me by now, but life has been rough, I haven't had the chance to settle anywhere, and now that I'm no longer riding..."

"When did that happen? Mr Spoon didn't fire you did he?" Emma asked appalled at the thought.

"No he didn't fire me. I just decided to become Louise again. I was losing myself and I was tired of pretending. I ah..." I wondered for a brief moment if I should tell them what happened, but decided I trust these two with everything.

"I was attacked a few months back, shook me up pretty bad,"

"Attacked as in..." Sam pressed,

"Two men raped me," I admitted quietly. Emma gasped and covered her mouth with her hand, while Sam looked away seeming angry.

"Oh Louise, you poor child, I'm so sorry honey." Emma cried.

"I aint' going to lie to you, it has been hard, but with the boys, Teaspoon and Rachel by my side, I'm healing."

We were quiet for a moment until I remembered how we got onto the conversation in the first place.

"Why did you ask to meet me here?" I blurted out.

"I don't think we should discuss that tonight, not after what you have just told us," Sam sternly said.

"No please tell me, I have been going stir crazy, I can't wait another day." I told.

Sam and Emma stared intently at each other, having a silent conversation, but with a nod from Emma, Sam started.

"We would like your permission to adopt Teresa and Jeremiah," Sam said calmly.

I shook my head disbelieving what I was hearing. That was the last thing I expected to hear. At first I wanted to scream no, you can't have them, they are mine. But I couldn't, because no matter what, I know that by the time I'm able to have them with me, they will be old enough to go out in the world on their own. I didn't want that for them.

"Why would you want to do that? I mean they are nearly grown up, wouldn't you want a baby, and why them?"

"A baby would be nice, and we think that there is still time for that. We had discussed adoption when Emma told me of your brother and sister. The thought of them there, with pending war on our doorstep, and knowing how much they mean to you, well we sought of think of you as family, and they are a part of you.

We are in a good position to do this Louise, we have our own ranch, and the town we're in is quiet and has great schooling. We would love to do this, if you would allow us too."

I could feel my eyes water, but I don't think it was from sadness, but I think it was honour, respect and being utterly grateful for them to want to do this. Though a part of me was sad, sad that I couldn't give Teresa and Jeremiah the life they deserved.

"We're sorry Loulabelle, we didn't want to upset you, just forget we said anything."

"No Emma, you haven't upset me. Yes I would love to be the one who gives Teresa and Jeremiah the life that they deserve, but I'm smart enough to know that may never happen. I could work day and night and still not be in a position to help them. And like you say with the war coming, it would be safer for them to be in a home instead of the orphanage. I would be honoured if you adopted them. You have my blessing."

"Oh Louise you have made us so happy," Emma cried as she got up from her chair to give me a hug.

After working out a few details, I went to bed and cried that night. I cried when I thought about staring in the eyes of Teresa and Jeremiah, telling them how I had failed as a sister. I cried when I realised that I needed Jimmy more than I should and I cried for the unknown future.

I fell asleep at some time of the early hours. Rachel had left me alone for the night. Maybe she heard my tears and gave me my distance.

* * *

><p>The following day I went with Sam and Emma to see the judge. He wrote up some papers that had to be signed by us all. It all seemed so formal, that I worried I was doing the wrong thing.<p>

That night we all went out for supper. It was decided that Emma and Sam would leave for home as soon as we were done with the orphanage, so this was our last night together.

Rachel got on well with them both, and she told Emma some tails of what the boys had been up too these last couple of years.

* * *

><p>The following morning I dressed in my one and only blue dress, and readied myself to go to the orphanage. I hoped that Jeremiah and Teresa both understood why this was necessary but knowing Jeremiah he will find something wrong with the situation.<p>

I rode with Emma on the buck board while Sam rode next to us, with Lightning trailing behind. I tried to sound positive about this whole thing, but I was failing miserably.

"It's not too late to change your mind Louise." Emma said sweetly from beside of me.

"Thanks Emma, I know that this is the right thing, but my heart is still catching up with my mind." I turned in the seat to look at her, "This is the right thing, and I know you and Sam, it would be different if we were strangers. So no, I won't change my mind." She smiled brightly as we made our way through the gates of the orphanage.

"Would you both mind if I go talk to them first?" I asked.

"Of course not Loulabelle, take your time."

I walked through the orphanage, looking for Jeremiah and Teresa. One of the Nunn's saw me and indicated with her eyes to the back of the large room.

Teresa was busy drawing a picture, while Jeremiah stood over her in a protective stance. I loved that he was there for her, but it upset me to think that he thought that was his job. He was still a boy he should be playing with the other boys.

I walked up to them, when both of their eyes found me. Teresa came running over with her arms out wide.

"Louise, Louise," I cradled her in my arms, while Jeremiah stood and watched.

"Teresa, Jeremiah, look at you both, you are so big." I told them as I crouched down to their level.

"Why haven't you visited? You said that you would come for us, that you would visit, where were you?" Jeremiah demanded to know.

"I know and I'm sorry Jeremiah. I truly am. But that does not mean that I haven't thought of you guys every day. I love and care for you so much, and I always will."

"Then take us with you Louise. I have had enough of this place I just want to leave." Jeremiah sulked. I could see the same stubbornness that I have in me, shining through him.

"Well that is why I am here,"

"You are taking us with you?" Teresa asked in excitement.

"Not exactly Teresa honey, but I have found a nice home, and a loving couple that would love to have you go live with them." They both seemed to ponder this for a minute.

"You don't want us?" Teresa finally said.

"Of course I want you, but I'm not in a position to take you. This way I know you are not here, and that you will be safe. I know Emma and Sam very well. They are both very good people, and you will learn a lot. I will know where you are, and I will come and visit you when I can."

"We've heard that before," Jeremiah muttered under his breath.

"You are right Jeremiah I have promised that before. I am sorry that I haven't full filled my promises, but please trust me when I say that Emma and Sam will make you happy. Don't you want to have a family again?"

Teresa nodded her head yes. I was pleased that she wanted a family, she was so young when our mother passed she has never really known that kind of love. I knew deep within my heart that this was the right thing to do.

"Jeremiah, you may not like me at the moment, I have given you nothing but reason not to, but can you please push aside those feelings and concentrate on helping Teresa. She needs you, and I know you need her to. You will be together, and you will be safe, do this for her."

"For Teresa," he said. I smiled at my brother. I was pleased that he cared enough about Teresa to do this.

I walked out and called Sam and Emma in. Together the five us sat and shared stories. Emma was smiling from ear to ear, she was so happy, and I was as well. Sam was good with Jeremiah, and I knew that he would grow up to be just as good of a man as Sam.

This was right, this felt right. So when I left, I did so feeling good. I kissed them all and thanked Sam and Emma, before giving Teresa and Jeremiah, one last parting look.

As I turned my back, Emma voice called for me to stop. I spun round to see her coming up to me.

"Thank you so much Loulabelle, you have no idea what this means to Sam and I." She cried.

"I think I do. Take care of them and I will hopefully see you soon."

"Our door will always be open to you." She said as she kissed me on my forehead.

I watched as she walked back over to Sam and my brother and sister. I knew that they all had their work cut out with each other, but I knew that once they got it right, it will stay right.

* * *

><p>I headed back to town, in a strange mood, but wasn't quite sure what it was about. I soon found Rachel and explained everything to her. She assured me I had done the right thing.<p>

After a late lunch she decided it was time to go dress shopping. Apparently she had seen a dress shop that would have everything we needed.

So that is where I am now. Standing in front of a full length mirror, with the most exquisite dress I have ever seen.

It was a deep purple, with that cut down in a V at the front, the sleeves were long and flowing, both the sleeves and the v neck had detailed ruffling. There was a ribbon that wrapped around my waist, just under my bust. The skirt was full, and although I was wearing a shit load of fabric, I felt naked.

"Louise you look beautiful,"

"I feel naked,"

"Oh Louise, you look amazing."

"Where would I wear this? I mean it feels so fancy, it's not like I can wear it doing chores,"

"You only feel that way because you're not use to wearing dresses all the time. You wear that anytime you like. And that blue one, and the brown one, but I also think you need some skirts and blouses, don't you?"

"All the young ladies are wearing dresses like this in New York. Your friend is right it was made for you." The dress lady told me as she pottered around her store.

"Rachel I cannot afford all of that. This dress alone will leave me short for the month,"

"Who cares, what else were you going to spend it on? You deserve it now come on, try on some skirts."

We spent the whole afternoon in that damn dress shop and by the time we were finish I didn't have a coin on me.

As we stepped out of the shop we heard our names being called out, Rachel and I turned to see Cody making his way over to us.

"Hello ladies," he smirked, his blue eyes twinkling with mischief.

"Cody, what are you so happy about? And aren't you due tomorrow?" I asked, hoping I won't regret it.

"Oh nothing, just glad to see you is all, and yes I was due tomorrow, but I'm just that quick it didn't take me that long." He skited,

"You're lying," I told him,

"I don't believe it," I heard Rachel say. I looked in the same direction she was and I saw Kid, Jimmy and Jesse on the other side of the street.

"What are they doing here?" I asked.

"It's hard to say Lou, but if it was my guess I would say they are here for you. And I don't think you quite get it yet," He laughed. I was glad he saw the funny side of this, and confused by what he meant with that last comment.

"Right, well you can let them know we will be making our way back tomorrow, so they rode all this way for nothing." I snapped as I turned and headed back for the Hotel.

"Louise, wait don't you think you are being a little hard on them?" Rachel called out over Cody's laughing.

"No Rachel I don't. I need to do things like this for me, to get my confidence up, how can I do that when my protectors follow me around all the time?"

"I don't know honey, but I think it's kinda nice. And anyway when you wear that dress, you will need protecting," She smirked.

"I knew I shouldn't have listened to you." I shook my head and continued to the Hotel, juggling the dress boxes in my arms. Walking into the lobby I heard the unmistakable laugh of Teaspoon.

'It couldn't be,' I thought to myself. I peered round the corner of the lobby, to see none other than Teaspoon, Ike, Buck and Noah waiting in the lounge room.

"Who the hell is watching the station, if all ya'll are here?" I asked to the surprised faces of my family.

"Lou honey, fancy seeing you here," Teaspoon happily said.

"You reckon?"

"Now come on Lou don't be like that, we were meant to have a family outing a few weeks back, this way we can have a night here and ride with you and Rachel on your way back."

I could see he was proud of himself, while Buck and Noah had the decency to hide their faces. Ike looked as pleased as Teaspoon, as he stared at me with a huge grin.

"Suit your selves I'm going to have a bath," I said as I went to walk up stairs,

"Ah Louise, we will be seeing you and Rachel in the lobby in two hours, I'm taking us all out for supper." Teaspoon announced proudly.

I rolled my eyes and asked the Hotel man to draw me a bath. I couldn't wait for a nice long soak, especially now.

I eased my down and into the hot tub of water. The aroma of roses hung in the air, as I went a little over board with the bubbles.

I laid my head back and closed my eyes enjoying this luxury before seeing the boys tonight.

I must have drifted off as I awoke to Rachel trying to wet my hair.

"Let me wash your hair for you," I didn't complain as it felt nice to have it done. "It has grown so much. I bet you can't wait to have it long again." I smiled at her statement. It would be nice to have it back.

"Did you hear we're going out for supper?"

"I did, now aint you glad I made you buy that dress?"

"I can't wear that,"

"Of course you can, don't be silly. I on the other hand am going to wear my green one I bought."

I got out of the bath tub feeling relaxed, and clean. I could smell the rose scent on my skin, and I loved it.

"What are going to do with your hair?" Rachel asked coming into the room with her hair all twisted up. "I think I will wear mine out, let the curls loose."

My hair just reached the tops of my shoulders, so there wasn't a lot I could do with it. Rachel had other ideas though. She called it a French roll, and it looked good. It was pulled back off my face apart from my fringe, which she swept to the side.

I loved that I could see my earrings. I never get a chance to wear jewellery so know that I can, I can show it off.

I slipped in the dress and pulled it up my body. I loved the way it felt on my skin, and the smell of the new fabric. The purple is so deep; it is the prettiest colour that I had laid my eyes on.

I still wasn't sure if it wasn't over the top, but as I look at Rachel I see her dress is just as glamorous.

"Louise you are beautiful," I looked into the long mirror admiring my dress, my hair and my earrings, I do feel beautiful. I felt myself smile as I swayed in front of the mirror.

"We better get moving, just in case Teaspoon retracts his offer to shout supper." Rachel laughed.

With one last look in the mirror, I followed Rachel out the door, and down the stairs. I could hear the boys chatting among themselves, but that soon stopped as Rachel came into view.

Teaspoon cleared his throat before saying, "I take it you have been dress shopping, you look beautiful, Miss Rachel,"

"Why thank you Mr Spoon," she laughed stealing Emma's name for Teaspoon.

I took a deep breath in before walking the rest of the way down the stairs. I was too busy watching my step that I didn't see the boy's faces when they first saw me, but when I looked up they all stood stock still mouths agape.

"Do I look silly? I should change," I turned to walk back up the stairs, feeling foolish.

"Don't you dare," Rachel said, "You look beautiful,"

"She's right you do," Jimmy said as he came over to me, holding his arm out for me to hold onto.

"Thank you," I blushed as I took his arm.

"Truly beautiful," Teaspoon agreed as he kissed my cheek.

"Right boys let's take these lovely ladies to supper."

I walked with Jimmy, seeing him looking down at me as we walked.

"What?" I asked,

"Just admiring the view,"

"Funny." I nudged him in the side with my elbow, "I have missed you," I whispered quietly as I leant into him. His smile reached his eyes as I looked up at him.

"I missed you too," he whispered down at me, but as I turned around I saw Buck and Ike giving us the knowing eye.

I could feel myself blush, but I didn't care. For the first time in a long time I felt happy.


	12. Chapter 12

**I do not own the Young Riders**

**Sorry it's taken so long. After taking kid's to birthday parties, swimming, dancing, having one sick, and earthquakes I just haven't had it in me to get on the computer. I do have the next couple of chapters half done, so I will try and get them finished ASAP. **

**In the next few chapters you will recognise some of the story lines in season three, only they are written to fit into my story.**

**Thanks for the reviews and alerts. **

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><p>Jimmy<p>

I couldn't help but stare at Lou. She has never looked more like a woman than what she does now. And as I take my eyes off of her for just a second, I can't help but see that I wasn't the only one that had noticed.

Though poor Kid looks more pained than awed. He was having some trouble letting Lou go, not that I blame him. Lou was a keeper, if you were lucky enough to have her you would be a fool to let her slip through your fingers.

Not that, that was what happened here. Lou changed after her attack, and Kid didn't change with her. It is sad really, because once upon a time I was certain that Lou and Kid were destined to be together.

It was good to laugh as a group, as a family again. Lou looked the happiest she has been in months, and the sight was breathtaking on her.

Teaspoon did right by bringing us all here. I was worried that Lou would think we were intruding, and she probably did at first, but when I saw her come down those stairs, I knew it was right.

"Thank you for supper, Mr Spoon," Rachel had been calling Teaspoon that all night. And while he tried to feign that it bothered him, I think the old bugger was happy to be called that once again.

After our meals we went to the saloon. The boys and I were looking forward to have a card game or two. On our way I noticed Lou had become very quiet, and she was fidgety as we walked.

"Hey are you ok?" I asked,

"Yeah, just...it doesn't matter." I could tell she didn't want this conversation, so I dropped it.

We soon found a table. Cody, Teaspoon, Kid, Noah and I were all in. Rachel, Lou, Buck and Ike sat at the table next to us watching our game and talking, while Jesse walked round our card table glancing at our hands.

I noticed Lou was always taking in her surroundings, all the new faces that walked in. A couple of times I even saw her move her chair closer to Buck. He also noticed, and looked to me for answers. I just shrugged my shoulders not being able to give him any.

I looked at my hand, trying to rack my brain on what had happened for her mood to change.

How could I have been so stupid?

Of course she didn't want to come the saloon, why would she? This must be hard for her to be here with all these men, and drunken ones at that. And although I knew she was safe, she didn't know that.

The table down from us were starting to get rowdy. I could see Teaspoon was keeping an eye on them. I took a look, to see that they were pretty liquored up.

"Jesse, come with me to the bar?" Lou asked as she stood next to me, glancing at my cards.

"I can get you a drink," I told her,

"Ah I think you need to concentrate on getting yourself out of that mess," She laughed as she raised her eyebrows at my hand, causing the boys to laugh.

"Thanks Lou," I said sarcastically.

"Honey, just put what you and Jesse want on my tab," Teaspoon said, as he looked to me with new enthusiasm, now that he knows my hand is shit.

"Well Jimmy, are you in or are you out?" Teaspoon sung, thinking he had me.

Yelling started at the table down from us. I looked their way wondering what the problem was.

"I think we're about to have trouble boys," Teaspoon said as he placed his cards on the table. I quickly looked to see Lou and Jessie were on their way back to the table with their drinks in their hands, when things escalated at the table two over from us.

"You lying cheating son of a bitch," one of the men yelled as he knocked the table over. Everything happened so fast from there.

Guns were drawn, fists were flying. Teaspoon stood and placed his hand over his colt, so I did the same.

"Shit, Lou." Cody said as he looked over the crowd, "Jimmy can you see her?" He asked worried. I got on my chair to get a higher look.

I scanned all the faces as quick as I could, but I couldn't see her. "I can't see her Cody," I said panicked.

I got off of my chair and started pushing my way through the crowd, with Cody hot on my heel.

"TEASPOONNNNN," I heard Jesse start to yell. I watched as a man held Jesse by his throat, against the wall.

"Drop the boy," I told the man that held Jesse. My gun was pressed to the back of his scalp. Luckily for him, he dropped Jesse, but then stupidly he went to draw on me, I fired before he could pull it out.

"Jimmy, Rachel's in trouble." Cody went to go help, but we both saw Kid and Ike go to her aid.

"We need to get out of here." I stated the obvious.

The saloon girls were screaming over top of the yelling making it hard to hear anything.

I needed to find Lou, I knew that this was not a situation she needed to be in. "Jesse where is Lou, you were with her."

"She got pushed away from me by that man, when the fight started, sorry Jimmy I didn't see where she went."

"Kid, Ike and Noah are taking Rachel back to the Hotel. Where are Teaspoon and Lou?" Buck said coming over to us.

"Fucked if I know, we can't find Lou anywhere. I only saw Teaspoon moments ago." I couldn't stand here talking about it. I started fighting my way through the crowd.

I was panicking inside and it was growing with every face I passed that wasn't Lou. Cody was beside me doing the same.

"Jimmy over here," Teaspoon called out.

Cody and I rushed to his side to see he was standing in front of a very frightened Lou. Her back was against the wall with her legs pulled up to her chest.

"Buck, Jesse," Teaspoon hollered calling them over to us, "Where is the rest?"

"They have already left, taken Rachel back to the Hotel," Cody answered keeping his eyes on the crowd behind us.

I crouched down to Lou's level, "You wanna get out of here?" I asked her,

"Yes," I held my hand out for her to help pull her up.

"Jesse said you were pushed, are you hurt?" I asked her dreading the answer, cos' if she was, I would be killing everyone in here.

"No, just scared," She said looking ashamed.

"Let's get out of here," Cody said as shots were being fired. It was too dangerous to stay.

"You boys go on ahead. I better help the Marshal out."

"Teaspoon no, please come with us." Lou begged; her eyes full of worry.

"I'll be fine sweetheart," But Lou shook her head no.

She looked around the room seeing all the chaos. "If you stay we all stay," she held her hand out to me, I didn't know what she wanted, "Give me one of your colts Jimmy,"

I didn't hesitate. If anything did happened to us, I wanted her to be able to protect herself.

"Lou I want you to take the gun, and Jesse and get back to the Hotel," I told her calmly knowing I was going to have a fight on my hands.

"Jimmy I'm ok. I freaked out for a minute but I swear to you that I am ok."

"I believe you Lou, but you weren't the only one to freak out. I couldn't find you and it scared the shit out of me, I can't help Teaspoon and worry for you as well. Please take Jesse and head back to the others."

"Ok," She grabbed for Jesse's hand, "But you are all to come back to me, do you hear?" she warned us.

"Wouldn't have it any other way Lou," Cody told her,

"Right go," I told them, Lou gave me one last look before she dragged Jesse from the Saloon.

"Ok boys we need to restore some order," Teaspoon

We didn't have to hold the mob for too long as the towns Marshal and his three Deputies showed up. We helped them take some men down to their cells, before making our way to the Hotel.

"That could have been a hell of a lot worse," Cody said what we were all thinking.

"You can't think of what could've happened Cody, just be happy that the gods were on our side today." Teaspoon told him.

When we got back to the Hotel it was only the boys that were up. Noah came up to me and said that Lou wanted to know when we got back.

I excused myself and went up the stairs. I knocked lightly on Lou's door, hoping I wasn't going to wake her.

She opened the door in a white nightgown. "Are you all ok?" she asked calmly but I could see the dread in her eyes.

"We are all fine Lou,"

"Good," she smiled, "Oh let me get your gun," she turned to walk back into the room. I knew that her own one would have been in the room, so I didn't mind taking my one back.

"I'm sorry I freaked out on you all back there." She told me.

"Lou you have nothing to be sorry about."

"That's not true Jimmy. I mean I use to be able to hold my own in a situation like that. I hate that you worried for me, you could have gotten yourself hurt because your mind wasn't on the right thing."

"Lou as I have told you before, when you thought you could take care of yourself the boys and I still worried about you." She narrowed her eyes and looked at me like I was lying.

"What, it's true." I laughed.

"I can see you pushing yourself Lou. I know that you are trying to be strong, and I'm proud of you." I smiled down at her. She still looked beautiful, with her hair down, and her nightgown...

I wanted to kiss her real bad, but I knew that I couldn't.

"Goodnight Lou," I told her before I did something I regretted.

"Night Jimmy," she leaned in and kissed my cheek. God her skin smelt like flowers, I had to fight my urges to not pull her into me, and kiss her like I wanted to.

She pulled back and closed the door.

* * *

><p>Two days later we were back in Rock Creek. Last night we all camped out, and the boys got their first experience of Lou's nightmares.<p>

Kid walked off, not being able to handle it, while the others just sat and stared sadly at her. Luckily for Lou, she didn't wake up, so is none the wiser that anyone even saw her. I sneaked up and lay behind her, whispering in her ear that I was there, and that she was safe, just like I always do.

She eased back into a deep slumber, which I was thankful for. Sometimes she can have nightmares of and on all night.

Back in town, not much has changed. And for once life seemed quiet. But I knew that it wouldn't stay that way for long.

Jesse has made friends with a new boy in town. The boy's family moved here last week, but their son just started at the school two days ago.

I didn't think it was possible but the new boy seemed even more trouble than Jesse. Teaspoon knew that he was going to have his hands full with the two of them.

After a hard day's work we were all lying in our bunks, except Noah who was out on a run. Kid had been quiet all day, and I could tell something was bothering him.

"Ike met a girl," Buck stated with a hint of tomfoolery in his voice.

Ike threw his pillow at Buck, giving him a clear 'You better not continue' look.

"What's she like?" I asked him, bypassing Ike and playing whatever game Buck was on to.

I could hear Ike clapping his hands trying to get our attention,

"Sorry Ike did you have something you wanted to share?"

Ike's eyes narrowed as he looked between us.

"Well what's she like Ike?"

"Smart, funny..." He started to sign,

"So ugly," Cody sniggered.

"No Beautiful," Ike signed proudly.

"That's great Ike," I told him honestly.

"And does this smart, funny and beautiful woman have a name?" Cody pressed.

"Emily, Emily Metcalfe." Buck answered for Ike.

I looked over to Ike to see his bright smile. I was happy for him, he deserved happiness, hell we all do.

"Did Teaspoon tell you he's given Lou a new job?"Kid said with frustration and anger. So this is what is pissing him off.

"No. What job? Doesn't she already have one?" Cody asked.

"Lou isn't cut out for playing house wife Cody. Never has and never will be. Just because she dresses like a woman now, doesn't mean that she suddenly wants to clean and cook after all of us."

"Trust you to say that," Kid snapped, "It's a hell of a lot safer then what Teaspoon is proposing."

That peaked my interest, but I stayed silent. "He's going to have Lou run errands between Marshal Offices."

"What is wrong with that?" I questioned truly not seeing a problem with it.

"Come on Jimmy, you telling me that you are ok with that?"

"Kid, Lou went back to riding before she quit altogether, this aint' much different to that."

"Maybe not, but I still don't like it."

"No one told you, you had to." I stated. A little irked that he even mentioned it, I just hoped he doesn't give Lou a hard time.


	13. Chapter 13

**I do not own the Young Riders – Sadly**

**This is a biggish chapter, hopefully that makes up for my slack updating of late. If I had it my way I would write all day. **

**This is a rollercoaster, and I have read it, re read it, changed it, changed it again and now I'm sick of it, so I hope it comes out making sense and I hope that it fits in with my story. **

**I also have a question that I would love your input in. Who thinks that Ike should live? I am in two minds about bringing that story line in this story, so I will leave it up to you.**

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><p>Lou<p>

It was official, I was bored. I had absolutely nothing to do.

Teaspoon kept promising me that a ride would come up soon, but I was starting to think that he made the whole thing up, just to keep me happy. Though it wouldn't surprise me if the Kid got to him, and he was now having second thoughts.

I was disappointed with how Kid had been acting, once he learnt of my new job. I kind of hoped that he would see that I needed this, and that I wasn't cut out for being the cook and the cleaner. I really have no idea how Rachel did it for all those years, and did it with a smile nonetheless.

With the last clothes peg fastened tightly on my clean crisp white sheets, Buck's voice and more importantly his question was a delight to hear.

"Lou, fancy a ride?"

"Hell yes," I squealed as I flew from the porch,

"Well that was easy," Laughed Buck, nudging me with his shoulder.

I walked over to the barn to see Jimmy holding Lightning's reins. I couldn't contain the smile that the sight of him, put on my face. Jimmy was becoming more and more a fixture in my heart, every day.

My smile got even bigger when I realised that Ike and Emily where both on their horses, waiting for the rest of us to join them.

"So boys and girl, where are we going?" I asked,

"Nowhere, everywhere, it doesn't matter, just enjoy it." Jimmy suggested,

"Alright then," I readied my reins, adjusted myself in the saddle, and with a parting look to everyone I yelled,

"Yee-Ha'"

Lightning answered the call straight off. Like me she was in need of this ride. I did not look behind me, as I weaved across the landscape. No direction in my mind, just taking advantage of the huge area in front of me.

After a while we came to the small river that was a few miles south of the station, I knew Lightning wouldn't need to rest, but I pulled her to a halt anyway. "You did good girl," I patted her long neck as I freed my feet from the stirrups.

"Has it been a while since you rode?" Emily's voice asked, as her and her horse eased up beside of me.

"Only a few days, but it felt like eternity." I smiled at her, before looking around for the boys.

"So you and Ike..."

"He's great isn't he?"

"He really is Emily. Hell they all are." I told her proudly.

"You really love them don't you?"

"Yeah I do, they are my family." I smiled at her, "Though they can get a little feral round dinner time," I laughed, causing Emily to laugh with me.

"What are you ladies laughing 'bout?" Jimmy asked.

"Oh nothing," I dismissed, "Who is ready for lunch?" They all dismounted from their horses with a gleam in their eye, and drool running from their mouths. I looked pointedly at Emily.

"I told you, animals." She covered her mouth trying to disguise her laughter.

I laughed with her as I looked over to Ike, I could see how happy Emily made him. Hands came around my waist but I knew it was Jimmy by the butterflies that fluttered in my stomach.

"It's a beautiful sight," He whispered in my ear.

"I know. I think we will be hearing wedding bells some time soon." I said, stoked that Ike had found love.

"I was talking about you and you're laughing,"

Buck, Jimmy, Ike, Emily and I sat there for the whole afternoon, talking, eating and laughing. It was the best afternoon I had had in a long time.

I went to bed with nothing but Jimmy on my mind. I felt like it was wrong for me to be having these feelings for him.

After what happened to me, I feel like I shouldn't be thinking the things I am, when I think of Jimmy.

And sometimes it makes me feel somewhat dirty, but other times I get excited at the possibility of being able to be with Jimmy in a more loving way. Surely I deserved love like Emily has with Ike.

* * *

><p>When I awoke the next day I could hear the boys raised voices coming from outside.<p>

I grabbed my dressing gown and wrapped it around me. Before heading out to see what was wrong.

"I can't believe Katy is gone," Kid's voice said in outrage.

"What happened?" I asked as I stood next to Jimmy and Buck.

"Horse thieves, taken the mob that was in the corral and Katy." I frowned as I looked back to Kid. I know how much that horse meant to him, and it pained me to see the upset that was written all over his face.

"You didn't need me last night," Jimmy stated in my ear, sounding proud but sad at the same time.

"I will always need you Jimmy, but no, no bad dreams." I smiled.

"Pleased to hear it," he paused as we looked to each other, "On both accounts." I felt my smile take over my face.

"Rider coming,"

"You up?" I asked hating it when he went.

"Not at the moment, this rider is for Ike, Cody and I leave soon with a special delivery,"

"For how long?"

"Two maybe three days," My smile faded somewhat.

"Anyway I hear you have a ride of your own," he smiled.

"Why yes, yes I do." I smiled, "I better go get dressed, see you in a few days,"

"You will. Ride safe, and have sweet dreams," God how I wanted to kiss him,

"You to Mr Hickok," I grinned as I ran back into the house.

After getting dressed I rushed down to find Teaspoon, wondering where he was sending me. I could see that he and Rachel were having a word to Jesse.

I couldn't hear what they were saying but by that downcast look on Jesse's face it wasn't what he wanted to hear.

"You never let me do anything," he yelled to them before running off.

"That boy is in a damn hurry to grow up." Teaspoon stressed as he watched Jesse's retreating form, before seeing me.

"Oh hey Lou honey,"

"Hi Teaspoon," I smiled, "Where are you sending me today?" I asked excited to go for a ride.

"Bout that Lou, with what happened here this morning, I haven't had a chance to organize anything, we might have to hold off till tomorrow." I understood, but I was still gutted.

"Ok, well I suppose it's my jobs as usual."

"Sorry honey," he said once more before walking off.

After washing, dusting, sweeping, and cooking, I walked into town to go to Tompkins store. I had a small list of things to get so it didn't take me to long.

When I got back to the station, I saw that Katy was back in the corral. I was happy for Kid, I hated seeing him sad.

I wondered how they found her.

I could see that the door to the main house was open, so I went looking there first.

Everyone was crowded by Rachel's room, and dread ran through me. Please don't let anything be wrong with Rachel.

I peered over Noah's shoulder, seeing a man lying on Rachel's bed. She was sitting next to his head wiping his brow with a damp cloth. The man had bandages wrapped around his torso with blood seeping through them on his left side.

"His name is Mike Stalder. He was hired by the company to investigate the horse thieves." Noah told me, obviously knowing that I wanted to know.

I watched as Rachel continued to wipe his brow. I could tell by her eyes that she had taken an instant attraction to this Mike man, and actually as I take a look around the room I can see that the boys seem just as fascinated.

Oh god he wasn't going to stay in the house was he?

I looked around searching for Jimmy, until I remembered that he was on a run. I could feel the panic starting to stir. I knew I was being irrational, but something inside of me was not ready for a strange man to stay in the house.

I needed to get out of this room, out of this house. As I turned to leave I caught Buck's eyes, and he followed me out.

"What's wrong Lou?"

"I um..." I didn't know how to say it without sounding stupid.

"Just spit it out Lou,"

"Is he going to stay in this house?" Understanding crossed Buck's face.

"I doubt Teaspoon will allow that. There is a bed in the barn, he can stay there."

"Oh, ok," I went to walk off, to get supper under way,

"Lou for what it's worth, he seems harmless. I will be here if you need anything," Buck tried to reassure me.

I nodded as I made my way over to the bunkhouse wanting to get supper on. I was happy that Kid got Katy back. I just hoped that the horse thieves stayed away, and Mike went looking for them elsewhere.

After a somewhat busy day I turned in early. Buck was right about Teaspoon putting Mike out in the barn. I was able to have a sound sleep with Jimmy once again playing on my mind.

* * *

><p>The next day was much like the last. Well it started off that way.<p>

Apparently Drummond, one of the thieves, was out for Mike. Mike had shot and killed Drummond's brother, so of course revenge was on the cards.

I would have thought that, that was reason enough to send Mike packing. We didn't need that kind of trouble around here.

Problem was, Mike needed to heal for a few days, well that and the fact that everyone seemed to be amazed by the guy, was keeping him here.

So I stayed away.

I kept my head down with my daily chores, and at the moment I was actually already making supper and it wasn't even lunch.

I was stirring the stew when Buck and Noah came into the bunkhouse.

"What are you doing?" Buck asked, peering over my shoulder.

"Making a stew,"

"Is it going to be edible?" He laughed, with Noah joining in.

"Yes and another comment like that and you won't get any." I sternly told him.

"Have you two seen Teaspoon?" I asked.

"I have. He is on his way here to talk to you." Noah told me, grabbing a raw carrot from my chopping block.

"God I hope he has something for me,"

"That hurts Lou. Surely we don't smell that bad." Buck laughed,

"Trust me it aint you," I half smiled.

Half an hour later Teaspoon found me, little did he know that I had already saddled up Lightning and she was waiting for me in the barn.

"I have to take a prisoner to Ft Laramie. I need you for a special ride. It is Rachel's birthday coming up and I have ordered her something I think she may like, but I need you to pick it up for me."

"Are you going to tell me what it is?" I questioned thinking it must be something special,

"No Lou I don't think I am," He smirked.

"Alright Teaspoon I will pick it up, but only because you're paying me too." I smiled,

"Why thank you Louise. Matthew's will be waiting for you in Sweetwater."

Matthew's had taken over Tompkins store in Sweetwater after he left.

I quickly said my goodbyes and headed to Sweetwater.

On the way I noticed that I was passing the place that I shot Roberts. I would not forget that day, and I will never forget the spot.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued forward, not wanting to remember.

I arrived at Matthew's store and he took me out the back to show me the parcel.

"What is it?" I asked, truly not knowing.

"It is called a sewing machine,"

Did Teaspoon have any idea how big this thing was? I wondered.

"Well obviously I will not be taking this on my horse."

"No Miss," Matthew's sniggered.

I organised for it to go on the freight wagon in two days time, before I got back on Lightning and heading back to Rock Creek.

When I got back I don't think anyone had even noticed that I had gone.

"Hi Rachel," I called out as I made my way to the house to wash up.

"Hi Lou, have you seen Mike?"

"No sorry Rachel." She looked worried, "Is everything alright?"

"I don't know Louise." She walked away seeming concerned, and it added to my worry.

* * *

><p>I stayed to myself for the rest of the afternoon. Though watching the boys trying to break the chestnut mustang was amusing.<p>

Well that was until Jesse thought he would try when the boys backs were turned. Luckily he only bruised his backside and his ego.

The boys had gone to the saloon with Mike, while I was sitting with Jesse on his bunk, keeping an eye on him, when he started talking about Mike.

"He is so cool Lou,"

"He is Jesse," I had to agree with him. I didn't want Jesse to think that I disagreed with yet another male in his life.

And I was too worried about Rachel at the moment anyway. She was looking to have her heart broken.

"Do you think he could stick around, I mean he and Rachel seem close,"

"Anything is possible Jess. Just don't get your hopes up, ok,"

"Ok Lou,"

Jesse was starting to nod off, I didn't even realise how late it was.

I could hear the boys coming up to the bunkhouse. I guess they were looking to turn in as well. I said my goodnights to Jesse and headed out the door, but not before I looked to Jimmy's bunk. I hope he was back tomorrow.

"How's the patient?" Noah asked. I looked up to him seeing he looked tired, stressed or maybe angered, I could quite decipher it. But before I asked I noticed Kid and Buck were the same.

"What's wrong?" I asked not really sure if I wanted to know the answer.

"We saw a new side of Mike tonight," Kid said sounding disappointed.

"And not a very pleasant one," Noah added.

"Where is he now?" I asked,

"Don't worry Lou, we saw him head for the barn 'bout an hour ago," Buck reassured me.

"Well I'm going to turn in," I went to leave but quickly turned back to them, "Please don't say anything bad about Mike in front of Jesse. I think he is more than a little awed by Mike."

"I think we all were," Noah said. I wanted to say no, not all of us, but when I looked to Buck he gave me a wink of acknowledgement.

I wandered inside the house wondering if Rachel was still up. As soon as I opened the door, the sound of Rachel's laughter reached my ears.

"Rachel?" I questioned out loud.

"Lou come join us for a drink," My heart sunk when she said we. I knew that it could only be Mike here.

I walked further into the living room to see that Rachel was perched on Mike's knee, a bottle of whiskey in her hand.

"Uh I think I will pass, and maybe Mike should be heading back to the barn," I suggested,

"I don't recall needing your advice L.O.U.I.S.E," She slurred.

I walked over to try and grab the bottle from her hand. I aint' never seen her have a drink before, so I knew she had to be pretty Liquored up.

I reached out to grab the bottle from Rachel, but as my hand wound itself around the bottle, Mike's hand wrapped around my wrist.

I froze.

"Look at you; you are like a scared bird." Mike laughed.

I looked to Rachel for help but she was laughing with him.

His grip tightened as his thumb rubbed across my knuckles.

I couldn't find my voice, as a sob escaped me, tears filled my eyes. Why wasn't Rachel helping me? Why was she laughing at me?

"Rachel...why?" she stopped laughing and stared at me looking timorous.

"Go to bed little girl, the grownups want to play," Mike laughed.

Rachel didn't say anything as I took my fingers from the bottle. Mike still had my wrist in his clammy hand.

"Let me go," I cried, causing Rachel to look down at where Mike held me, "I SAID LET ME GO!" I yelled, as angry tears fell from my eyes.

"Lou, I'm..."

"LET ME GO!" I yelled again, ignoring Rachel,

"Mike let her go," Rachel tried pulling Mike's hand from my wrist.

"God you woman are so full of mixed messages."

He let go of my wrist, my own hand taking its place. I knew that I was most likely going to bruise, but that was the least of my worries.

"I want you out of this house," I stated,

"Well I don't want to go," His hand was now rubbing Rachel's leg and it was making me uneasy. I didn't want to leave her alone with him, not when they were both intoxicated. Obviously seeing that I wasn't happy, Rachel seemed to snap out of her haze.

"Mike I think we need to call it a night." Rachel told him as she looked apologetic to me, but it was too little too late.

I walked towards my room, but the sound of gun shots going off outside had me running for the door.

Mike got there first, pushing me out of the way.

I couldn't see anyone, but Mike seemed to know who it was as he ran out of the house in chase of someone. I could hear the boys come from the bunkhouse, and I am sure I heard Kid yell for Jesse to stay back.

I grabbed my gun and stepped out of the house, hearing Rachel following me.

More gun shots sounded out through the night sky, as did more yelling from the boys. All I could see was shadows, as one more shot was fired.

"JESSE!" I heard Buck yell, Rachel and I started to run in the direction of their voices, both fearful at what we would see.

"JESSIE!" He yelled again.

I looked out to the distance to see Jesse was down, while Mike stood a few feet away from him with his gun still raised.

"Jesse, oh my god, no," Rachel cried as she took off to where Jesse laid.

I seemed to be in slow motion as I followed her. I could see Jesse was moving, but I just couldn't believe that this would happen.

"I'll get the doctor." Buck stated as he got up from his knees, looking hard in Mike's direction.

"How could you?" Rachel cried as she went for Mike,

"How could you," she wailed as she smacked at Mike's chest,

"I want to see him," Mike said trying to get past Rachel,

"No, you have done enough damage tonight," she told him, but he was having no part of that as he pushed her to the ground.

Kid straightened up and raised his gun. I on the other hand rushed to Rachel and Jesse's side.

"Pack your stuff and get out of here," Mike ignored Kid, and looked to Rachel,

"Rachel I'm sorry,"

"Get out of here Mike, before I shoot you," Kid told him cocking his gun once more.

Mike turned and walked away with his head hanging low. I wanted say I was sorry to see him leave, for Rachel and Jesse's sake, but I wasn't.

Buck came back with the Doc. Once I knew that Jesse was going to be fine, I made my way back to the house. I was ready for bed, and ready to forget today even happened.

* * *

><p>The next morning I made my way to the bunkhouse to get a start on breakfast. But the closer I got, the smell of a cooked breakfast filled my nose.<p>

Ike's horse was tied to the holding post, 'He must have just got back' I thought to myself.

I ran up the steps and opened the door to see Kid, Noah, Buck, Ike all sitting at the table, while Jesse sat up in his bed, as Rachel dished out freshly cooked eggs.

"Mornin' Lou," the boys all said.

"Mornin'," I answered back, "You feeling ok Jesse?" I asked.

"Yeah I'm ok," he said sounding a little down in the dumps.

I sat at the table refusing to make eye contact with Rachel. I knew that we had to talk eventually but I wasnt ready just yet.

I reached out to grab a biscuit when Buck grabbed my elbow,

"Lou what happened to your wrist?" He asked carefully. My eyes widened in shock at the bruising that laced my skin, I looked to Rachel in a panic.

"I...caught it in..."

"Mike grabbed Lou," Rachel butted in before I could get out my lie.

"I knew I should have killed him," Kid exclaimed,

"When did this happen Lou?" Buck asked.

"Last night before Jesse got shot." Rachel answered for me.

"Were you there Rachel?" asked Noah.

"Lou I am so sorry, I..." Rachel begun, ignoring Noah.

"I'm not ready to talk to you just yet," I got up from the table no longer with an appetite to eat.

"Lou I wasn't myself," She stated.

"No you weren't, and you weren't my friend either," I said bluntly.

"Lou," Kid said shocked.

"No Kid Lou is right," Rachel answered sadly.

I got up from my seat and I headed for the door, I could hear the noise of hooves thundering in on arrival, I turned on my heel to see Cody and Jimmy coming in.

I ran out to meet them, raising my good hand up for Jimmy to stop at me, I knew he would have been tired but I needed him.

"Lou?"

"Take me away from here," was all I said as I raised my hand out for him to help me up on his horse,

"Alright," He agreed as he took my hand pulling me up and behind him.

I wrapped my arms around his waist, and rested my head on his back as he took off again.

We rode until we came to the river. I opened my eyes as the sound of the gentle current of the stream sounded in my ears.

I slid of jimmy's mount so he too could dismount.

I walked closer to the stream taking a seat on the stones, Jimmy came to sit next to me, and I leaned in and rested my head in his lap.

"What's been happening?"

I told him about Mike's arrival. I told him about picking up Rachel's present for Teaspoon. I told him about seeing Rachel drunk, and I told him about Jesse getting shot.

I didn't tell him why I was upset this morning. I think I was getting sick of myself being the victim that I didn't want Jimmy to see me that way.

What I really wanted to do was tell him how much he means to me, that I don't think that I can live without him. That he is in my mind every second of every hour of the day.

That I loved him.

"Jimmy," he looked down at me, and I adjusted my head in his lap to look up at him. I had no idea where this courage was coming from.

"Yeah,"

And my courage is gone.

"I..." I was chickening out,

"You..." He pressed.

"My feelings for you are changing," I looked away embarrassed that I had said anything, and I think I was scared that he would reject me.

His hand came up and grabbed my chin, turning my head back to face him.

He then cupped my face in his big hand as he stared intently down at me. I wanted him to kiss me, well I think I did.

"You're not alone with those feelings," He whispered as he leant down to kiss my cheek.

Then the side of my mouth, before taking my lips with his,

I raised my hand and held onto the back of his head holding him to me, as I opened my mouth giving him permission to deepen the kiss.

He felt so right, as our tongues danced for dominance in each others mouths.

The sound of a horse and trees being rustled had us quickly pulling apart. We both turned in that direction just being able to see the back of a grey suited man riding away. And although I could not see the man's face, his presence felt familiar. Jimmy went to stand up, and I knew he wanted to chase the man.

"Leave it Jimmy," I didn't want this to ruin what we had just shared, "We need to head back anyway, and you must be exhausted." I told him, feeling uneasy about being out here now.

"I can sleep tonight. I want to know what this means for us,"

"I can't tell you, as I am still trying to figure it out myself. I want to take it slow...unless you...do you have anyone else in mind, I mean do you need more...I..."

"Lou stop," He laughed,

"There is no one else. We will take this as slow as you want." He was watching me carefully, "I want this to, I think I have all along." He admitted to me, to which my nerves settled and my smile brightened.

We mounted Jimmy's horse and slowly made our way back to the way station. I had to have a conversation with Rachel that I couldn't put off any longer.

When we arrived back I told Jimmy that I would see him after I talked to Rachel. I wanted to kiss him but everyone was hanging around and I wasn't ready for them to know, and I think I want to tell Kid before anyone else knew.

I made my way over to the house. I gave a quick wave to the boys and Emily, who was just arriving. I walked into the house to see Rachel was sitting in one of the chairs, looking completely worn out.

I stood in the door way and just blurted out what I was feeling.

"Rachel when you wouldn't help me last night, it scared me. Not that I believed that Mike would hurt me, but I was scared for you. I know that you weren't yourself and I was scared that if you wanted to keep Mike around then you would lose yourself and I would lose my friend." I could feel tears behind my eyes, as I looked at Rachel's face.

"When I saw your face, with fear written all over it, I promise you I sobered up straight away. But my mind was taken back two years ago when I last had a drink. I was a drunk Lou," I had to stop her there,

"But I have never seen you drink,"

"That's why. When I miscarried and then my husband died all I wanted to do was to be numb, to kill the pain in my heart. But the more I drunk the worse the pain got. I got to the stage where I couldn't remember what he looked like, what his laugh sounded like all I could remember was the pain."

She looked down and started to play with the hem of her skirt.

"I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't take another drink ever, but Mike stirred things up inside of me that I hadn't felt in years. I was feeling weak and when I saw him with that bottle in his hand that is all I wanted. God how that first sip tasted, it was good, too good."

Rachel licked her lips as if her taste buds were beckoning for another drink.

"I'm sorry Lou. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed me to be. And I am sorry that I even let Mike walk in that front door to begin with."

I walked over and swung my arms around her, while she cried on my shoulder. I guess we all have our demons that we struggle with day in and day out. I wasn't going to fault Rachel for having her own.

When I emerged from the house near on dusk I saw that Teaspoon was back. I walked over to him to discuss Rachel's present.

"Teaspoon, a word," I asked him before he disappeared into the bunkhouse for supper.

"Lou how did you get on with your trip?" he asked looking around to make sure Rachel wasn't listening in.

"I didn't get it Teaspoon."

"And why not?" he asked seeming a bit put out.

"Because the thing was nearly bigger than my horse," I told him, causing his eyes to widen.

"Really?" he asked raising his eyebrows, "A sewing machine is that big?"

"I have never seen one before Teaspoon, but if that is what it is, then yes it is that big. And it is coming in with Tompkins freight tomorrow."

Teaspoon smiled brightly, "Good girl, see I knew you could handle it." I rolled my eyes at him and then followed him into the bunkhouse.

Everyone was here, including Emily. It was nice having another woman at the table.

I took the seat next to Jimmy, but he didn't acknowledge me.

Confused and a little hurt I sat and ate my supper while I listened to the boys filling Teaspoon in on Drummond and the horse thieves, and also Mike.

"Well I am turning in, but Emily can I talk to you about something first?" I had heard enough about both of those men, and the vibe I was getting from Jimmy was pissing me off.

"Sure Lou," she got up from her seat between Ike and Buck,

"Night all," I said to no one in particular. I had no idea why Jimmy was being cold.

Emily and I walked out of the bunkhouse and away from the door.

"So it is Rachel's birthday in a couple of days, and I was wondering how your baking was?"

"Pretty good, well my daddy tells me so anyway,"

"Well I can't bake to save myself, so I was wondering if you could help me,"

"I would love to. How 'bout you come to the ranch tomorrow and we can bake it there."

"I would like that, thank you."

I said goodnight to Emily and made my way to the house but Jimmy calling out for me stopped me in my tracks.

"What is it Jimmy? I'm tired and I'm not in the mood for a battle..."

"If we are going to do this," he indicated with his hands between me and him, "Then there are no lies, we tell each other everything. No matter how small and insignificant they seem we tell each other."

"Of course Jimmy, but I don't see how that has put you in this mood..."

Jimmy grabbed my arm softly and pulled up my sleeve of my blouse, so the bruise I had there was seen.

"This is why I was in a mood. This isn't alright Lou. This is something I should know about, for you to tell me about, not for me to find out about from our friends."

"I'm sorry Jimmy, I just...I'm sick of being weak. Sick of being the victim, I didn't want you to be sick of me too."

"Lou I would never grow sick of you," He looked behind him, before leaning in and kissing me goodnight.

* * *

><p>I was having a restless night, as for some reason the man that was obviously spying on Jimmy and me this afternoon, was playing on my mind.<p>

Why? I have no idea.

I startled awake, and as the noise of something falling over in Rachel's room had me on alert.

My heart was beating really fast nearly making it impossible for me to hear anything, but I could hear two or three different men's voices.

What the hell was happening?

My heart raced as fast as my mind, but as I heard her door being opened I knew that I had to get out of here and get help.

I quickly got out of my bed and ran to the window, sliding it up. I was only in my white nightgown, but I didn't have time to worry about that.

I could hear a man ask about Stalder, so I knew that it had to be Drummond.

I ran for the bunkhouse, scared that I was going to get a bullet in my back. I opened the door, crying out for help.

"Lou?" The boy's sleepy voices questioned.

"Lou, what's wrong?" Jimmy asked rushing over to me, and holding the tops of my arms,

"It's Rachel, Drummond has her, he's inside the house," The boys sprang to action grabbing their guns,

"Lou stay in here with Jesse, barricade the doors and don't open them unless it is one of us," Jimmy told me. I just nodded as he and the rest of the boys flew from the bunkhouse.

I pushed the supper table over to one door, and the two bench seats over to the other, "Jesse come lay low down here with me."

I pulled a blanket from one of the bunks as Jesse did as I asked him. I positioned us in the corner and out of sight of the windows, wrapping the blanket around us.

"Lou I'm scared,"

"Me too Jesse, but the boys will save her. Rachel will be ok." I tried to reassure him and myself.

Now that I had a chance to settle down, my mind started racing again. I couldn't believe or get past the fact that those men broke into my house without being heard. I was petrified at that thought.

We sat in silence and listened to the sounds of gunshots, glass being broken and raised voices. I could hear Mike's so I knew he was back. I held on a tighter to Jesse when I heard Rachel scream for Mike.

It went quiet for a while making Jesse and I panic even more. A knock at the door made me jump,

"Lou its Buck,"

I got up from the floor and pulled the seats away from the door, "Is everyone ok, Rachel..."

"She is fine Lou, Mike has been shot a couple of times, Noah has gone to fetch the doc," I could only nod as the enormity of tonight came crashing down on me.

I placed my hand over my mouth as I began to sob out loud.

Buck opened his arms for me, to which I accepted. He held me as I cried, as my terrified mind took over my body.

"Buck," Jimmy's voice said.

Buck's arms were replaced by Jimmy's, and I lost it,

"They got in the house...I didn't hear them...Rachel...they got in...Rachel...she..."

"Sshh Lou, Rachel is ok. She really is alright honey," Jimmy tried to tell me,

"But they got in the house," I could feel myself start to shake, "I didn't hear them Jimmy," my shaking was getting worse as my fear grew, "They got in and they could have hurt her, hurt me," I cried, "I didn't hear them come in," I wailed, "Oh god, it's not safe, he could come back, they could come back,"

"Lou, you're scaring me honey, who could come back?"

Does he not see?

"Roberts he could come back,"

"No Lou he's dead, you killed him,"

"Who was that today Jimmy? What if I didn't kill him, what if...?"

"Lou you did, and we buried him. No one is coming to hurt you, I won't let them, we won't let them."

"It's too late Jimmy, they did, they already did..."


	14. Chapter 14

**I do not own the Young Riders.**

**This was going to be one big chapter but I have split it in two. I will post other half later today or first thing in morn'. **

* * *

><p>Jimmy<p>

Kid, Noah, Ike and Cody were helping Teaspoon, while I went to make sure Rachel was alright.

But she was busy helping Mike over to the house. He had taken a bullet in his leg, and one in his arm, and although there was a lot of blood he would live, well for today maybe.

I hadn't made my mind up on what I was going to do to him, for the mark he had left on Lou's arm, either way I was going to be sayin' something.

Shit, Lou?

I looked towards the bunkhouse to see that Buck was holding her. I could see her body shaking and I could only just make out the sound of tiny sobs.

I walked over to where they stood,

"Buck," I said calmly,

Not needing to explain myself, Buck just knew that I wanted Lou.

I replaced my arms with Buck's. I held her tight, relieved that she was physically alright. I knew that this could have gone a whole other way. As I continued to hold her, her sobbing became more frantic, and she started to lose it.

"They got in the house...I didn't hear them...Rachel...they got in...Rachel...she..."

"Sshh Lou, Rachel is ok. She really is alright honey," I tried to tell her,

"But they got in the house," I could feel her body shaking in my arms, "I didn't hear them Jimmy," she cried as she continued to shake, for what I was positive in fear. "They got in and they could have hurt her, hurt me," she continued to cry, "I didn't hear them come in," her worries were my worries, "Oh god, it's not safe, he could come back, they could come back,"

I didn't know who she was talking about, did she not see their dead bodies over the yard. I turned to have a look, to see the boys and Teaspoon were all gathered around watching Lou fall apart.

"Lou, you're scaring me honey, who could come back?"

"Roberts he could come back," My heart sunk.

"No Lou he's dead, you killed him," I reminded her,

"Who was that today Jimmy? What if I didn't kill him, what if...?" I must admit that whoever had been watching us this afternoon had been playing on my mind too, but I knew it wasn't Roberts.

"Lou you did, and we buried him. No one is coming to hurt you, I won't let them, we won't let them." Reminding her that we were all here for her,

"It's too late Jimmy, they did, they already did..."

Subconsciously I knew that Lou wasn't blaming us for what happened to her, but she was right we had allowed it to happen to her once before.

We weren't as bullet proof or as unstoppable as we liked to think we were.

"Lou you will never know how sorry I will forever be, that you got hurt. I wasn't there to protect you, I should have been there,"

Her body was getting heavy on me, "I don't want to stay in that house, I want to stay in the bunkhouse with all of you, with you." She told me quietly and tiredly.

"Lou you can sleep where ever you like." I picked her up and carried her inside, I wasn't even going to ask, I knew where I wanted her to sleep so I placed her atop of my bunk pulling the blankets over her. Her soft snores were heard as soon as her head found the pillow.

"Jesse, stay in here with her,"

"Sure Jimmy," as I walked out I noticed that the supper table was against the back door. I indicated with my hand at the sight, and looked to Jesse for answers.

"You told her to barricade the doors," He reminded me.

The thing was, I knew how heavy that table is, and I found it hard to believe that she could move it herself. She must have been truly frightened and her only thought was to protect herself and Jesse.

I walked out of the bunkhouse to talk with everyone.

"We let her down," Kid stated looking at me with sorrow filled eyes.

"We did Kid but not in the way you're thinking." He looked confused so I explained... "I have, well we all have made promises we had no right in making. We cannot promise Lou that she will never be hurt again, that nothing bad will ever happen to her, and that we will be there to protect her. They are promises we cannot keep."

Kid eyed me carefully before he spoke, "So what do you suggest we do, take it all back. Say 'sorry Lou you are on your own," he finally asked with a sarcastic tone in his voice. Why he was choosing to be difficult is beyond me.

"No Kid that aint what I am saying. You are looking at this the wrong way. I'm just saying that we can no longer promise her that we will protect her from all the evil in the world. Cos' we all know that people like Drummond and Roberts wait for that moment that their pray will be alone, and she will have times where she is alone." As I stood there preaching my thoughts, I knew that I had to endorse them myself as well.

I try and act as though I am alright with Lou doing as she pleased, but inside I was a mess every time she was gone. If I had it my way she would never be alone.

"Teaspoon I think that if Mike is staying in the house one of us needs to stay with Rachel." Kid said changing the subject from Lou. I was getting annoyed by his child like behaviour.

"You think Mike would try something?" Teaspoon asked incredibly.

"We don't need to think, we have already witnessed it," Kid told Teaspoon,

Teaspoon's eyes narrowed at this news, he looked us all in the eyes, "Explain,"

"Lou has some bruising around her wrist, where Mike grabbed her," I told Teaspoon,

"What?" He and Cody asked at the same time, but Ike was also shaking his head at the news that they were only hearing for the first time.

"And I saw him throw Rachel to the ground," Kid added quietly.

And by the look on everyone else's face, I wasn't the only one hearing that bit of news just now.

"I'm going to kill him," I stated as a matter of fact.

"Why am I only hearing about this now?" Teaspoon asked sounding exhausted.

"Why the hell is this guy still here?" Cody asked in irritation. I didn't have an answer for either of them.

"I'll stay with Rachel. I wouldn't mind having a talk with Mike." Teaspoon said as he went to wonder off, he turned back.

"Lou said something about a man today...do I need to be worried?" Teaspoon asked me,

"I don't know yet Teaspoon. I think he was watching me and Lou, all we saw was his back as he rode off."

"Watching you and Lou doing what?" Kid asked, making everyone else leave us, well except for Cody.

"Cody," I warned, to which he threw his hands up and muttered something under his breath, before making his way back to the bunkhouse.

"Kid..." I started slowly,

"How long?" he roared,

I thought the best thing was to play dumb, as I hadn't had a chance to talk about how Lou wanted to tell everyone, or if she even wanted to tell them. "How long what, Kid?"

"You and Lou?" He spat like it was the worst thing he had heard.

"Kid there aint'..."

"Don't lie to me Jimmy, please don't lie." He was looking at me in disbelief,

"Kid nothing is going on," he went to go protest but I cut him off, "Kid let's get something straight, I want more with Lou, and I'm pretty sure she wants that too, but we are taking it slow, very fucken' slow."

"I hate you for this, I hate that you are what she needs." He stated staring straight into my eyes.

"I'm sorry you feel that way Kid,"

"So am I Jimmy, so am I." Kid walked towards the barn, I didn't stop or pursue him. He was obviously in need of time to himself, to sort through his shit.

I will not feel guilty for caring about Lou.

I headed back to the bunkhouse to turn in for the night. Lou was still sleeping soundly, and I hoped it stayed that way. I slipped in the bed with her, allowing my arms to cage around her.

I whispered in her ear that I was there, before kissing her softly on her temple. I fell asleep happy that she was at arm's reach if she needed me.

* * *

><p>The following day Lou hung around me and the boys for the most part. Mike was still in the house with Rachel and I think that Lou had every intention of staying clear of that house. A couple of times I tried to go over there to have my own word with Mike, but Buck stopped me at every turn.<p>

Kid left in the early hours of this Mornin' for his scheduled ride. He didn't return to the bunkhouse last night, and a part of me felt bad that he was hurtin'.

Teaspoon has been busy being Marshal, cleaning up after last night's fiasco. The rest of the boys were about the yard doing their chores, while I was seeing to my horses needs.

"Ike," I heard Lou call out, "Ike," I looked over to where I had seen Ike last to see he was trying to get around the barn to see Lou,

"Lou he's in the barn," I yelled out.

"Thanks Jimmy," she smiled.

I continued to clean out Sundance's shoes. I was thinking he may need to go to the blacksmiths.

"Thanks Ike," I heard Lou yell out, I turned to see that she and Lightning were heading out, I wanted to know where she was heading, but at the same time I didn't want to crowd her.

And as if she knew my thoughts she looked over to me and said, "Jimmy, going to Emily's, see you later,"

"See ya'" I smiled,

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Mike had moved back into the barn, and although I knew Rachel was taken with him, she didn't quite trust him. I think she was hoping that if he was gone then Lou would sleep in the house. I on the other hand didn't want her leaving the bunkhouse.

Buck, Ike, Cody, Noah and I had just sat down to supper. Teaspoon was workin' late so Rachel and Jesse took his meal to him, leaving just us boys here.

We all turned at the sound of the bunkhouse door being opened, Lou stepped through it giving us all a small smile.

"Hi Lou, how was Emily's?" Buck asked

"Ok," Was all she said as she sat down next to Noah at the table, her eyebrows furrowed, as she seemed to be deep in thought.

Ike seeing what I was seeing gave a gentle knock on the solid wood table, trying to get Lou's attention.

It worked as Lou looked up at him with a questioning look.

"What's wrong? Is Emily alright?" He signed with concern itched on his face.

"Emily is fine Ike," Lou responded.

We continued to eat our meals that were in front of us but we all seemed to be keeping an eye on Lou, and the way she pushed her food around her plate.

Noah and Cody tried making small talk, but the rest of us were too focused on Lou and her strange mood, to join in.

"Have you met Emily's father?" she asked out of nowhere and not looking up from her plate. I hadn't met the man but if he had hurt Lou or Emily I'd kill him.

"Ike and I have," Buck replied to which Ike nodded.

Ike was getting more and more irritable the longer Lou kept quiet, and I had to admit that I was starting to get on edge the longer she remand silent.

"Is he a good man?" She asked,

I threw my cutlery down on my plate, "Lou if he has done..." I started fearing the worst.

"Oh my god Jimmy no," She shook her head looking me in the eye, I instantly felt myself relax.

"It's just..." she trailed off looking back down at her plate, "Don't worry."

Ike looked at me, silently asking if Lou was trying to be difficult.

Having had enough Ike slammed his hands down hard on the table, causing Lou to jump out of her seat with wide eyes,

"Ike," I hissed under my breath,

"She aint' giving me anything," He signed angrily at me. "What is wrong Lou?" Ike signed in frustration.

"I already told you that Emily is fine Ike. I promise I would always tell you if she weren't." She looked at Ike with her eyes softening. "You scared me,"

They eyed each other of a minute, Ike was still not satisfied that he didn't have all the information that he should. Lou seeing this decided it was best she told him what was on her mind.

"I just saw Mr Metcalf outside the saloon is all. He told Emily and I that he was going to Cottonwood, I was just wondering why he would lie to his daughter. That is all I was wondering that is all that is wrong." They continued to eye each other and for some reason Lou looked like she was going to cry,

"Lou, are you going to eat your supper?" Cody asked, but I knew it wasn't because he was still hungry, well he could've been, but I think it was more for him to try and break the ice.

"I lost my appetite, it's all yours Cody," she shoved her plate down in his direction, before storming out of the bunkhouse door not sparing any of us a second glance.

I went to get up and follow her but Ike placed his hand on my arm shaking his head no, "I'll go," he signed,

"Be nice," was all I told him, to which he looked bashful and ashamed.

I knew that Ike did not mean to scare Lou, and I knew that Lou knows that too. I hoped that they worked it out.

A while later Ike came in looking calmer than when he left. I looked behind him hoping to see Lou.

"She went to see Rachel," he signed as he got ready to turn in for the night.

"You sort your thing out?' Buck asked Ike, to which he nodded.

Stripping down to his long johns he stood in front of us, "I hate that I scared her,"

"She won't hold it against you Ike," I told him honestly.

"She said that, but I still feel sick inside," he admitted.

"I know Ike but I also know Lou loves you like a brother, she knows you would never hurt her."

"She said that to," he smiled.

He slid into his bunk, like the rest of us he was ready to turn in, but we kept the lamp on for Lou. She had told us that she wanted to move back in here, I hope that hasn't changed.

"Things between you and Lou seem to be changing Jimmy." Cody stated, causing the rest of the boys to sit up in interest.

"I aint going to lie to you, I care for her,"

"Is she aware of it?" Noah asked.

"Yeah she is, and she feels the same."

Buck seemed concerned, "What is it Buck?"

"I just care about Lou like a sister, and knowing what she has been through I just don't like thinking about her with any man, even you." I gave him a curt nod, letting him know that I understood.

"What about Kid?" Cody asked.

"What about him?"

"Really Jimmy, you going to play it like that?"

"He knows Cody, he knows."

"I hope you treat her right Jimmy as I would really hate to kick your ass." Buck stated.

I could hear the boys slowly fall asleep, one by one. I stayed awake hoping that Lou would come back to the bunkhouse, but I wasn't sure.

Just as my eyes drifted asleep the door to the bunkhouse opened and Lou stepped inside quietly shutting it behind her. I watched as she looked around quickly, like she was in search of something.

I watched disheartened as she picked up the old rocking chair from the corner of the room, to place it in front of the door.

She said that she felt safe in here with us, but she obviously didn't think we could protect her if anything happened.

I looked over to Ike and Buck's bunks to see that they were both watching her to.

"Lou, what are you doing darlin'?" I asked,

"Jimmy, sorry did I wake you?" she asked embarrassed that he had been caught. She quickly moved the chair back where it was.

"No honey you didn't. Is everything alright?"

"Yeah," once the chair was back in place she looked lost again. "Jimmy can I borrow a shirt, it doesn't feel right wearing my nightgown in here."

"Sure Lou," I watched as she went to my trunk, pulling out one of my shirts, I looked to Buck and Ike telling them with my eyes to look elsewhere.

Lou went to the darkest corner of the room, changing out of her blouse, before slipping my shirt on her body. Once the shirt was buttoned up she then took off her skirt and placed it over the chair.

She was a sight to behold. Her slender frame, and bare legs poking out from under my shirt, her hair falling loosely around her face, she looked beautiful.

Lou walked over to my bunk, standing in front of me, "Can I sleep with you?" I shuffled back in my bunk to make room for her to slide in. She turned to the table turning the lamp down before joining me in the bed.

"It's Rachel's birthday tomorrow." She whispered as she settled into me, and I placed my arms around her. "Emily helped me make a cake,"

"You like Emily," It wasn't a question just an observation.

"I do Jimmy, that is why it bothered me that her father would lie to her. I hate that she is at the ranch by herself, thinking her Father is miles away if she needed him."

"She knows Ike is here," I reminded her.

"You are right she does," she whispered. We both fell asleep in each other's arms, our legs tangled together and our dreams peaceful.

* * *

><p>The sound of a throat clearing woke me from my deep slumber. I was greeted with the sight of Teaspoon, Buck, Ike, Cody, Noah and Jesse. They were all staring down at Lou asleep in my arms.<p>

"Sorry to disturb you Jimmy, but ah, what the hell do you think you are doing?" Teaspoon asked, while Cody stood there grinning like a fool.

"Lou moved back in the bunkhouse," I told him sleepily, knowing he already knew that.

"And into your bed?" He questioned nicely but I knew he was not happy.

"I aint' about to tell her that she aint welcome in here Teaspoon, because she is."

"Well do you think you can tear yourself away from her for a bit while you come help the boys and I with Rachel's present." He asked in almost a tune.

"I can't Teaspoon," I muttered under my breath,

"And why not Mr Hickok?" Teaspoon asked in annoyance.

"I...just can't," I wasn't about to tell them that having Lou's body wrapped up in mine, was causing a big problem under my long johns.

But as it would be, realisation dawned on all of their faces, a part from Jesse's. Cody and Noah thought it was funny, but the other three were looking pissed off with me.

"Hickok, you will get your ass out of there now," Teaspoon said angrily while Buck nodded in agreement with his eyes narrowed.

"It's not like I can help it," Their eyes narrowed even more, "Get out, so I can get up," I ordered.

They all turned on their heel and headed out of the bunkhouse, "Sounds like you're already up..." Cody laughed, but before I could respond Buck smacked him round the ear.

"Lou," I whispered as I nudged her awake,

"Jimmy?" she questioned, her voice still husky from sleep.

"Morin' beautiful," I pulled her closer to me, and kissed the back of her head. She responded with a hum in delight as her body stretched out, causing her bottom to push into the front of me, and causing my now growing problem to twitch.

My hands stilled her hips, begging them to not move any more.

She turned in my arms, and the feeling of her body twisting in my arms was driving me crazy, especially when I could feel soft skin from where my shirt she was wearing had ridden up.

"Mornin'," she smiled as she faced me, she leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips, "We're alone," she stated as she kissed me again.

"They are all just out that door, waitin' for us to help with Rachel's gift."

Lou responded my kissing me again, this time however I deepened the kiss, Her body pressed to the front of mine, our lips tenderly kissing,

"HICKOK, NOW!" Teaspoon roared from outside the door.

"Lou I gotta go Darlin',"

"Sounds like it," she said in disappointment, as she moved so I could climb out.

I looked at her lying in my bed wearing my shirt, not only was it not helping matters down in my groin area it also had me thinking that Teaspoon, Buck and Ike were right in thinking that this was wrong.

If I was serious with Lou, and I wanted to really be with her, we cannot do this in the bunkhouse.

"Lou I was thinkin'...,"

"JIMMY, NOW!" Teaspoon roared again,

I looked apologetically to Lou who was looking at the back of the door shooting daggers I'm sure to Teaspoon.

"We'll talk later," I leant down and kissed her forehead and walked out to what I'm sure is going to be a firing squad.

"Ok Jimmy."

I walked out of the bunkhouse to see that the boy's and Teaspoon were all waiting, and just like before Cody and Noah were seeing a funny side to this situation, while the others not so much.

"Teaspoon I don't want to hear it," I warned him,

"Hickok you and I will be having a long talk about this, but right now we are going to get Rachel's present before she heads out here."

Not wanting to get into this with him right now, I simply nodded and waited for him to lead the way.

When we all arrived back to the way station, with what Teaspoon explained to be a sewing machine, the strong smell of bacon and eggs hung thick in the air making my stomach growl in acceptance.

Placing the heavy machine on the porch of the house we all ran for the bunkhouse. I could hear Rachel laughing alongside Jesse and to my disgust Mike.

"Happy Birthday Rachel," we all sang as we hurried to find a seat at the table. Jesse was the one wearing an apron.

"Did you cook this son?" Teaspoon asked in a surprised tone.

"I might of," Jesse answered with his chin sticking out, challenging anyone to dispute the fact that he may have.

"Louise made it before she left," Rachel laughed as she to waited at the table,

"Left for where?" I asked as I grabbed some bacon, and narrowing my eyes at Mike. If he had upset her and caused her to leave, I will take him out now.

"She has gone to Emily's. Said she will be back by midday,"

Ike was grinning like a fool. I think he liked the fact that Lou and Emily were fast becoming friends. I must admit I liked it too. I only hope that I didn't have to worry about Emily's father becoming a problem.

Rachel's birthday was a success, with breakfast, lunch, supper and cake. Rachel was full of smiles and laughter all day. I even let Mike join in, choosing to ignore him and reminding myself that it was Rachel's day.

Rachel was already measuring us all up for some new clothes, and couldn't wait to have a go of her new gift. Emily joined us for the festivities, and from what I could tell she was none the wiser of her Father's whereabouts the last day or so.

Kid had come back from his ride through the night, I didn't know if that is why Lou decided to sleep at Emily's or if it was something else that was bothering her.

The following day we were busy with chores that were missed yesterday. I was still itching to have a talk with Lou, and the fact that I was scheduled to ride the day after tomorrow, wasn't helping me none.

"LUNCH," Rachel shouted as she rung the triangle. I pulled off my gloves, and headed in after everyone else.

"This looks good Rachel," Kid said admiring the spread that was before us.

"Why thank you Kid, Emily gave me the recipe, thought I would give it a try,"

"IKE," A blood curdling scream came from outside, "IKE,"

"That's Lou," I said sending cold right through me and sending us all flying from the door.

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry to end it there, but promise that I will post the next half soon.<strong>


	15. Chapter 15

**I do not own the Young Riders**

**Just like I promised here is the second half of the last chapter. **

**Please don't hate me by the end of this chapter. I hate myself for doing what I have done, but I felt like it had to happen and it fits with next chapters.**

**Please remember that this is Rated M**

* * *

><p>Jimmy<p>

Lou was running as fast as she could, towards us all. I went to go and meet her but it was not me that her eyes were searching for.

She didn't run to me, she ran to Ike, "Ike quick, its Emily's father," she cried, "At the saloon, at the saloon," Ike didn't stick around to hear anymore, he ran for his life towards the saloon, with Buck hot on his heels.

Cody, Kid and Noah all started making their way there too, while I wrapped my arms around Lou, placing a quick kiss to her forehead, "It was awful Jimmy, that man just killed him, killed him like he didn't matter."

Concerned for Emily, Lou and I made our way over to the saloon as well. Before we even got there I could hear Emily's cries.

I could see Teaspoon talking with a gentleman that sat outside the saloon, while another man was in the doorway putting his gun away.

"Teaspoon why aren't you arresting him," Lou demanded as he pointed to the man at the doorway of the saloon.

"Lou I don't have..."

"I saw him Teaspoon, I saw him do it." Lou cried,

"Did you see who drew first?" Lou thought about it carefully, before saying "Does it matter? That man has been harassing Emily and her Father all day, please Teaspoon I know he did it on purpose,"

"Shut your mouth you little bitch," The man outside the saloon sneered in Lou's direction.

I drew my gun and walked up to him, loving the fear that was set in his eyes.

Buck and Cody flanked either side of me, "What do you think you want half breed?" He hissed in Buck's direction. I cocked my colt, and raised it at the stranger.

"Now Jimmy as much as it pains me to say, you need to lower your weapon son," I felt my lip twitch as those were not the words I wanted to hear.

For once can he just ask me to shoot the bastard?

"Listen to your Marshal boy," Teaspoon didn't wait for me to lower my gun, he reached passed me and grabbed the man by his arm dragging him to the side and out of the way.

"Teaspoon no," Lou cried as she grabbed a hold of Teaspoon's arm, "I saw him, I saw him,"

"Lou honey I believe you, but I got another witness that says Mr Metcalf drew first on Neville,"

So that was the name of man.

"No Teaspoon please," Ike stood then and was signing to Teaspoon asking what was going to happen to Neville.

Neville laughed shaking his head, "What a town, half breeds, dummy's, outlaws and whores," he said as he looked down to Lou.

Lou reached down and grabbed Ike's gun and raised it to Neville, but Kid was quick enough to grab her, and point the gun away from Neville.

"Help Emily," Kid whispered in her ear. Lou nodded and grabbed Emily into her arms. It broke my heart to see two women who we all cared about crying in the street.

Ike walked over and picked Emily up in his arms, while Buck, Noah Kid and I picked Emily's father up and out of the street. Cody held onto Lou and they followed us to the undertaker.

Ike took Emily back out to her ranch, while the rest of us headed home. Lou was angrier than a rattle snake at Teaspoon. I knew deep down she knew that Teaspoon couldn't do more, but I think she needed someone to blame and he was there.

When we got back I saw Mike leaving the main house. He had his horse mounted up, and it looked as if he was heading out.

"I'm going to the bunkhouse," Lou said quietly as she walked to the bunkhouse,

"I'll go with her," Buck said with a parting look to Mike.

I walked over to Mike, with the rest of the boys behind me. Mike was just about to mount his horse, but after he saw that we were walking to greet him he thought better of it.

"Look I know..." He started but I slammed my fist in his face before he had the chance to continue.

"FUCK!" he cried as he grabbed his nose.

"Ever lay a hand on another women in anger and I will find out, and I will fucken kill you," He looked at me with wide eyes, "Do you understand me?"

"Yeah," is all the coward said.

I walked off having said what I needed to say, and did what I needed to do. When I got to the bunkhouse Lou was asleep on my bunk. I looked to Buck for a clue of what was going on.

"I say just leave her. She obviously needs to rest Jimmy." Yeah he was probably right.

"I was thinking I might head out to Emily's place, see if she and Ike need anything." Buck told me, to which I agreed and promised to catch up with him later.

Lou slept for an hour before waking up in a strange mood. I was beginning to worry about what all this stress was doing on her body and mind.

Once she got up she set to making supper. She was as white as a ghost but kept insisting she was fine every time Kid asked. I knew better than to ask, I was fast learning that Lou would come to me when she needed me.

* * *

><p>That night when we all went to turn in, Lou looked uncomfortable, and I could see the boys were as well. It wasn't until Kid said he was turning in, and asked if Lou would mind, that I understood what the problem was.<p>

Kid was here tonight and Lou wasn't sure where she should sleep.

"Kid, can I talk to you for a minute." Kid looked to me waiting for me to speak. I looked at all the amused eyes before settling on Lou's worried ones. "Alone, outside,"

Kid followed me out to the porch. I knew that this wasn't going to be pleasant, but it needed to be spoken about.

"Things have changed these last few days you have been away," I told him.

"Like what?"

"Like that fact that Lou and I have been sharing a bunk," I answered honestly, guessing there was no reason to beat around the bush.

"She been having nightmares?" He asked concerned, and it had me feeling guilty about what I was about to tell him.

"No," I told him, as realisation dawned on him.

"You snake," he sneered as he went me. I had been waiting for this so I was ready. I secured his arms and pinned them to his body.

"Kid, settle down, we care for each other, I already told you that."

"And I told you I hated you for it. I do not agree to have you two sleep in the bunkhouse, and rub it in my nose."

"That was never our intention. Lou still cares for you too Kid, she doesn't want to hurt you."

"She got a funny way of showing it." Kid tried to get free, "Jimmy did you even think how it would make Lou look?"

"What do you mean?"

"She is a woman living in a bunk house full of men. Sharing a bed none the less with one of them, the town will see her as a whore."

"Is that how you see it?" I spat already knowing that he did, "Is that how you see it?" I repeated.

"If I were a stranger looking in..."

"But you're not Kid,"

"It aint how a Lady should act,"

"You self righteous bastard," I pushed him from me and onto the ground, "You never had a problem with it when she was with you,"

"We never shared a bunk,"

"So you're jealous,"

"No Jimmy, I'm just trying to think of Lou."

"I call bullshit, Kid,"

"Well it's true. I know how you are with woman, I have been to plenty of saloons with you to know you aint the sticking around type, so what happens to Lou when you get bored and move on? Does she move to the next bed?"

I punched him in the jaw, sending him to the ground in a heap. "Watch your mouth, and Lou is different, not that I have to explain myself to you."

"You and Lou want to live like that you don't do it in the bunkhouse, under my nose." I wanted to hit him again so bad, but I was scared that if I really got started, I may not stop.

"Lou loves you, and always will. How you could even think like that about her is beyond me." I shook my head in disgust at what had been said here tonight. I knew that Kid was sore about me and Lou, but I would hoped he'd be a bigger man than what he has shown here tonight.

I left him on the ground and headed back into the bunkhouse, and started gathering up my things. "Jimmy what are you doing?" Cody asked as he and the other boys walked up to me. I looked to see Lou was on the rocking chair looking and waiting for me too.

"I'm moving into the barn." I told them, I watched as a tear escaped Lou's eyes and she sucked in her bottom lip nodding sadly at me.

Kid chose that time to come back in, taking a look at what I was doing he jumped on to his bunk.

No one said anything as they all glanced around the room. Lou got up from her chair and walked to the door, not saying bye, goodnight nothing.

I grabbed more of my stuff and piled it in my arms.

"What has gotten into the two of you?" Noah asked, sounding like he really didn't know.

"I just told Jimmy that it didn't look right with Lou sleeping in here with all of us." Kid said from his bunk.

"She has being doing that for years, so why the change of heart." Buck asked Kid.

"She wasn't a girl in the eyes of the town, and now that she is she should act like a lady. I don't want people speaking out of turn about her, she doesn't deserve that."

"But it is ok for you to do that? You are meant to care about her, how does hurting her make you feel?"

"I haven't said anything to her Jimmy, obviously the truth hurts you."

"She is not a whore," I sneered as I rushed over to his bunk, "You keep insinuating that and I will cut your tongue from your mouth." I threatened him.

"Did you say that Kid?" Buck asked in disgust.

"I only implied that she would look like one in the eyes of strangers"

"But we are her family Kid. It is only our opinion that matters to her." Noah argued,

"I don't think that she is a whore, I was only stating a fact. If any of you cared about her you wouldn't want her to be known as that."

"And she won't be," Buck strongly agreed, "What Jimmy and Lou are doing is not wrong Kid..."

"I will not share a bunkhouse with those two, it aint fare to ask me to do so." Kid yelled in frustration getting to the real issue.

"And we won't put you through that. I will move out to the barn, if Lou wants to join me out there is up to her. But if I so much as hear about how you think others will perceive Lou again, I will fight you Kid." I promised as I gathered my stuff.

Cody opened the door, Buck and Noah walked out. I watched as they stepped out the door, but freezing as something caught their eye by the door.

Confused to what caught their eye I looked, to see Lou was sitting on the ground with her legs up to her chest and her arms wrapped securely around them. Had she heard everything?

"I'm moving to the barn, do you want to come with me?" I asked first hoping that she hadn't heard anything. She held out her hand letting me pull her up from the ground.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, as I caught in the corner of my eye the boys leaving us to talk.

"What are you sorry about?"

"You and Kid, you use to be friends."

"We still are Lou." I told her truly believing it, "That is why I have to move out. Kid is hurting watching the two of us. I cannot do that to him."

"I'm sorry," she whispered again.

"Lou you have to stop that, now are you coming with me?"

"Yes," she nodded as she held her arms out, "Give me something to carry."

I placed some of my clothes in her arms and lead the way to the stable. "You know Rachel and Jesse left for St Joe this afternoon, did you want to stay in the house?"

"Do you?"

"No," She quickly replied.

"Jimmy, don't take what Kid said to heart. I know he really doesn't think the way he says he does. It is the way he was bought up. I don't blame him for that."

"Lou you shouldn't be alright with that, he shouldn't have even opened his mouth."

"Jimmy, he wouldn't be Kid if he didn't. And we both know that he is hurting. It was wrong of us to think he would be ok with seeing us growing closer." I really don't know how she can forgive him for what he had said. I don't.

We continued walking towards the barn. I was hoping to be able to get straight into bed, but was disappointed to see that the bed had not been made since Mike had left.

"I'll get the linen, you organise your gear." Lou said as she ran to the house.

It didn't take long to get everything in order, and for Lou and me to slip into the bed. I still wanted to talk to her but our exhaustion got the better of us.

Lou twitched and whimpered most of the night, and it pained me every time. I managed a little sleep but bugger all in the long run.

I felt her slip out of the bed early, but she whispered for me to keep sleeping. I didn't know what she was doing, I was just happy to get a bit of sleep.

* * *

><p>I awoke to the sound of Buck and Cody yelling something out to each other. Wiping the sleep from my eyes I looked out the small barn window to see that it was well and truly Mornin'.<p>

I quickly got up and slipped on my clothes, heading for the bunkhouse for some coffee and breakfast.

"Bout time you showed ya ugly face," Cody laughed.

"You seen Lou?" I asked,

"Yeah she's in the bunkhouse cleaning the dishes," He told me,

I walked over to the bunkhouse, hoping Kid wasn't in there, and luckily he wasn't. I smiled as I walked up behind Lou wrapping my arms around her waist.

"Hey darlin how are you feeling?"

"I'm ok. Have you heard how Emily is doing?" She asked me, to which I shook my head no. She turned in my arms, and stepped away. I had a feeling that she was not comfortable being close knowing Kid was somewhere around here.

"Jimmy I need to get some flowers," She told me, changing the subject. Lou held out her arm towards me, "Walk with me?" She asked.

We walked arm in arm together down the main street, and I had to admit that I liked people thinking that she was mine. Like a ginning fool I followed her into Tompkins store.

"Tompkins, you got any cut flowers?" Lou asked as we looked around the store.

Tompkins looked thoughtful for a minute before asking, "Are they for the Metcalf's?" the nosey old prick had to know every ones business.

Lou nodded sadly,

"I got some out back," he went out back, and came back in with a bunch of blue, yellow and white flowers. "You know a gentlemen was in here yesterday, asking questions 'bout you Lou." Lou dropped what she was holding and swung round to look at me.

"What Kind of questions, and what did you tell him?" I demanded to know, and standing closer to Lou.

"He said he was asking on behalf of his employer, wanted to know how you two knew each other and what your relationship was. What Lou's full name was, and lots of other things." Tompkins carried on with his business as if this wasn't a big deal, and maybe it wasn't, but I didn't like it, and neither did Lou.

I paid Tompkins for the flowers, while Lou stayed quiet. She picked the flowers up and headed for the door.

"Is she alright?" Tompkins asked,

"No I don't think she is," I told him honestly, "If that man comes back send for me or Teaspoon," I told Tompkins before walking out of his store.

"Shall we take these out to Emily now," She asked giving me a fake smile.

I agreed and we mounted our horses and rode out to Emily's. The whole way we refused to talk about what we had just heard. I had a feeling that whoever was watching us the other day is the same one who asked about Lou.

Ike, Buck and Emily were dressed in black and heading out to the cemetery. Lou gave the flowers to Emily and suggested that she place them on her father's grave.

A little while later I rode with Lou back to the way station. She wanted to get supper started while I wanted to go and talk to Teaspoon about what Tompkins had told me. I hated that I was riding out tomorrow, knowing there was a man asking bout Lou.

"Do you have any ideas who it could be?" Teaspoon asked in concern, I shook my head no.

"Jimmy I will keep an eye on Lou, I can even give her a job or two round the office so she is close by." Teaspoon told me, sensing my uneasiness at the whole situation.

"That would be great Teaspoon."

I made my way back home, loving that it meant that I would be seeing Lou there.

And she was. She was busy cleaning and cooking. It killed me just as much as it killed her to be doing that stuff.

I knew she hated it, and it was another reminder what Roberts had taken from her.

We were all in the bunkhouse, well everyone but Cody and Teaspoon. Kid was ignoring me and to be honest it didn't bother me at all. He really had nothing that I wanted to hear.

Ike was helping' Lou make supper. They were both smiling as they worked side by side. It looked like he was eating the carrots just as quick as she was cutting them. I wonder where Emily was.

Cody came in, shaking a lot of dust from his jacket, "Sure is getting windy out there," he said as he hung his jacket behind the door. "Sorry I couldn't be there this Mornin' Ike, how did it go?"

"As well as a burial can go," Buck answered for Ike.

"I saw Emily in town just a minute ago, I tried to call out to her but she seemed distracted." Everything happened from that moment on. I heard Buck calling out for Ike, as Cody yelled out 'the saloon'. Lou ran out after Buck then the Kid, Cody and I ran out after them.

Lou was keeping up with Buck, but they were both behind Ike. I had no idea what was going on, but it was obviously important. I turned the corner to catch the back of Ike going into the saloon, with Buck and Lou just setting foot on the steps.

Two gunshots were heard, causing myself, Kid, Cody and Noah to freeze.

I closed my eyes and waited for the screams that I knew deep in my gut were coming.

"IKE!"

"IKE!"

I watched as Lou fell back from the saloon door, while Buck covered Ike's body, alongside Emily. I seemed to be standing stock still, not believing what I was seeing.

Ike was down, I could see that much. But with Emily's screams, and Lou's reaction I knew it had to be bad.

But surely he would be fine. I know he will be fine. I mean the amount of times we have all been on the firing end of a gun, yes it knocked us back a few days but we all came out on top in the end.

Cody, Noah and Kid sped past me, as they went to help Buck carry Ike to the Doc's. I watched as Lou held Emily and followed close behind the boys.

I snapped out of my funk, and quickly rushed to the boy's side, helping them carry the weight of our fallen brother. I heard Lou say she was going to get Teaspoon, as we neared the Doctors.

"You son of a bitch," I heard Lou yell from behind me.

"It is not my fault the dummy got in the way," The voice of Neville scoffed.

"Shit," Both Kid and I said in unison. We both knew that Lou would go Neville, and we both knew that he was armed, and she was not.

"Go," Buck ordered, "Go before that bastard hurts another one of us." He didn't need to tell me twice.

But as I turned I saw that Teaspoon was holding a struggling Lou in his arms. I went over and took Lou from Teaspoon so Teaspoon could arrest Neville.

"It was self defence. The Metcalf girl drew first,"

"I don't care. You have caused enough trouble to warrant you a spell in the cell." He looked at me and the distraught Lou in my arms, "And honestly it is the only thing I can think of to keep you alive. My boys want your blood, but I will not have them have that on their conscience."

Teaspoon told us he would meet us at the Doctor's. I walked with Lou, who was sobbing quietly to herself, over to join the others.

It felt like we sat on the damn porch for hours, my nails bitten down till it begun to hurt, but it still didn't feel like enough, so I went back and kept at them. I couldn't look at anyone, as we sat and waited. And for some reason an anger that I had never felt before was brewing inside of me and directed at Emily.

The door opened and slowly the Doc came out with a towel in hand, and a grim look on his face. Buck got up from his place on the porch,

"How is he?" Buck quickly asked.

"He's lost a lot of blood son; he is in God's hands now."

"Can I see him?" The Doc nodded and stepped aside so Buck could go in.

Teaspoon pulled the Doctor aside and spoke to him quietly, while the rest of us went back to waiting.

After a while Buck came back out,

"He wants to see you," Buck addressed Emily, before he ran off towards the station.

"BUCK," Lou yelled after him, but he didn't turn.

I watched in resentment as Emily got up from her spot and headed inside. We were his family a lot longer than she has been, why would he want to see her? And why did no one else seem to have a problem with this.

Ike would still be alive if it wasn't for her. Who did she think she was going after Neville like that?

I folded my arms across my chest, before changing them around. I placed my weight on one leg and then the other. I checked my nails again, pissed off I folded them in with my arms.

I looked to everyone to see that they were all so still and so quiet, I hated this.

"Teaspoon she's been in there long enough," I stated not caring if I stepped on any toes.

"Your right Jimmy, I'll go see what's going on." Teaspoon stepped inside of the Doctors house, while me and everyone else stood and prepared ourselves to head in.

Only minutes later Teaspoon came out, but he did not have Emily with him, and he was wearing a look I couldn't quite decipher. I think that deep down I knew that Ike was gone, but I had to see with my own eyes.

"Lou, boys..." was all Teaspoon said, but it was enough for us to file inside the door.

I wanted nothing more in this world to walk in that door and hear the happy laughs of Emily. I wanted nothing more than to see my brother sitting in his bed, smile on his face as he stared into the eyes of his Emily.

What I got instead was deathly silence, deathly silence and the sight of my friend on his back, his eyes wide open and his body unmoving.

He was gone.

I walked closer to the bed and looked at my friend, really looked at him. His face was relaxed. No sign of pain, but no sign of a smile on his lips either.

My hands seemed to act on their own accord as they reached down to close Ike's eyes for the rest of eternity. His skin, still warm to the touch,

I whipped my hand away, and once again found myself not knowing what to do with them. I looked to my other brothers, seeing that they were all dealing in their own way, but one of us was missing. Where had Lou gone?

I knew that she needed to grieve in her own way so I stayed where I was and said goodbye to a Brother I loved.

* * *

><p>I walked out of that room seeing the sun had set and it was getting dark out. My legs walked on their own accord towards the barn. We had all gone our separate ways to grieve and say good bye the only way we knew how, I needed the comfort of my mattress.<p>

As I walked my mind filled with images of Ike. I felt a lump form in my throat, one that I couldn't swallow, nor ignore. It was growing with every step I took, till I found myself running as the first tear fell from my eye. I made it back to the barn before I let my emotions consume me.

I didn't cry, I never cried, but I was.

The barn door opened, I quickly wiped my eyes dry of my tears. I turned to see Lou behind me. Her eyes were red and puffy as tears still fell freely from them.

"Jimmy," she whispered as she stepped closer to me,

She raised a shaky hand to my cheek as her thumb wiped the fallen tears I had missed. I wanted to be embarrassed but I wasn't, I didn't care that Lou was seeing me at my weakest.

"He's gone. He's really gone, isn't he?" She asked sadly, I could only nod as the pain was still raw within me.

Lou stood in front of me, her lip caught between her teeth, silent tears cascading down her red cheeks. "Make me forget," she whispered as she rose on her tippee toes and started kissing me forcefully. I responded by pulling her into me and kissing her back. We kissed like we were never going to kiss again.

Coming up for air, Lou whispered breathlessly, "Make love to me Jimmy, I want to feel, I want to forget, I want to show you that I love you," Shocked and panicked I looked down into her eyes not sure what I was looking for, an answer maybe, or a sign that I shouldn't want to do as she had asked.

Not finding anything but love, and wanting to forget and to feel just as much as her, I grabbed her wrists with one hand and raised them high in the air, with the other hand I pulled her blouse from the waist of her skirt, and started to shimmy it up her body.

I did not take my eyes off of her. I was watching for any sign that she was not ok with this. I pulled the blouse and undergarments up and off of her body, leaving the top half of her naked.

I let go of her wrists and leaned around her, to unbutton her skirt letting it fall to the ground, before pulling the rest of her undergarments from her. She stood in front of me naked as the day she was born, but I did not take my eyes from her eyes. I would not look until we were both at the same stage of undress.

I stripped myself down, and I saw something quickly pass through Lou's eyes when I discarded my pants. We stood in front of each other both naked and nervous. I have never felt so exposed, and so unsure how to proceed. I have never had that problem in the past but this was Lou, this was different.

"Jimmy, please," I reached a hand out and grazed up the side of her torso, loving the feeling of her soft skin under my finger tips. I kissed her lips, her cheeks and her neck. She craned her neck to the side so I kissed along her collarbone and shifted myself so I was now behind her.

I pushed her hair away from her neck to allow my lips better access. My hands ghosted over her breasts, her nipples hardened under my touch and it turned me on. I spun her around so I could look at her. I wanted to devour the sight of her.

"You are a beautiful woman Louise McCloud," I smiled as I drunk in her naked body.

She smiled as her shaky hands traced my chest, I thought I saw the same look cross her eyes again and I needed to ask if she was sure she wanted to do this. The last thing I ever wanted to see in her eyes was regret.

"Lou, are you sure this is what you..." Silencing me with one of her delicate fingers she said,

"Life is to short Jimmy. I know that I love you, love you like no other. I want this, I want you," I didn't need to hear anymore as I begun to kiss every inch of her body.

We danced in unison, like we were made to be together right from the start. With every kiss, every thrust, every moan I made a new promise.

Silent promises to myself, a promise to never let her go, a promise to keep her safe, a promise to love her more and more every day, a promise to keep her smiling and a promise to make her my wife.

I moved gently inside of her, watching as her breasts bounced with my thrusts, the way her eyes showed me nothing but love. Her nails scrapped up my back, as her moans of pleasure became closer and closer together as I became closer to the spot she needed me to be.

I loved her, I loved her like no other, and it scared the living day out of me.

We came together, crying each other's names, and holding onto each other for dear life.

"I don't want to lose you," I whispered, still in side of her, "I could not live without you,"

"You won't, I am yours, you have me," She whispered back, but she couldn't promise me that.

**I apologise to Brankel1, it really did pain me to kill Ike. I am sorry **


	16. Chapter 16

**I do not own the Young Riders.**

**I really want you to know that I am really loving writing this story, when I get the time. **

**I would love to be able to read some other stories out there so if my chapters start slacking, again, please don't blame me blame the other .**

* * *

><p>Lou<p>

"I don't want to lose you," Jimmy whispered, while we were still as close as any two people could be. "I could not live without you," He was scared, but of what?

"You won't, I am yours, you have me," I whispered back, hoping that he still wanted me.

I feel like I have thrown myself at him. I have shown, and told him how much I care for him. I only hoped that he felt the same, or would he be disgusted in me in the morning.

Or will my biggest fear become a reality, could he love me knowing that I have been used.

"Lou you are scaring me with that look in your eye," I smiled up at him,

"I love you James Butler Hickok." I told honestly and truly. I could see that he heard what I said, and a part of me was waiting to hear those words back, but another part of me was ok that he wasn't saying it back.

If I died tomorrow I would die satisfied that I took nothing with me, that I had said all I needed to say.

I leant up and kissed Jimmy, sensing he was unsure what to say or do. "It is ok Jimmy, I don't need to hear it back," I reassured him as I placed my hands on either side of his face kissing him once again.

"Lou, Jimmy," Cody's voice called out.

Jimmy quickly pulled out of me, and started scrambling for his clothes. "Cody, we will be out in a minute," Jimmy rushed out as he frantically pulled his clothes on.

I slowly got up and started to do the same, slightly worried at Jimmy's behaviour.

"Are you ready?" Jimmy asked as he stood by the door, looking anywhere but me.

"Yeah," was all I said, as I felt my heart ache in hurt, and tears sting the back of my eyes. Maybe I wasn't ok with him not saying anything.

We walked out of the barn together to see that everyone was mounted on their horses.

"What's going on?" Jimmy asked,

"It is time to say goodbye to Ike, Buck is waiting for us in the meadow," Teaspoon said sadly.

I mounted Lightning and followed everyone else, trailing behind them all. How do you say goodbye to someone when they aren't here to hear it?

I loved Ike like a brother, and I have no idea how we can go day to day without seeing his face.

I have only lost one other person I loved dearly, and that was my mother. I was too young, and to busy worrying about how Teresa, Jeremiah and I were going to live, too really find the time to grieve.

We came to a halt when we could see Buck standing next to a bed of kindling and wood. Ike's body was atop of it, and Buck held a lit torch in his hand, and Emily to the side of him.

I could contain the sob that escaped me at the sight, causing everyone to turn and look at me. I cried out loud and looked to everyone wishing that this wasn't happening, that this was some sick joke, or another one of my nightmares.

I wanted Jimmy to hold me, I needed him to hold me, but he stood there just staring at me. "Lou, come here honey," Teaspoon said as he pulled me into his arms.

"It's not fair Teaspoon, It's not fair that he died,"

"I know Lou love. You out of anyone here knows how cruel the world can be. Just know that Ike loved you all." I cried harder thinking that I never told Ike how much he meant to me every day. I should have told him more.

Buck set the torch to the bottom of the pry and my sobs were matched with Emily's wailing. This wasn't meant to happen to any of us.

We stood there and watched as the flames surrounded our friend, our brother. I could feel my knees giving out but Teaspoon held me tighter not letting me fall.

I have no idea how long we all stood there, but there was only a glowing amber on the ground, and the sounds of coyotes howled around us. It was late, or early. Teaspoon allowed me to kneel on the ground, both not being strong enough to stand any longer.

"I will take Emily home," I heard Noah say, but I just stared at the amber,

"Lou are you coming?" Teaspoon asked. I turned my head to see that he, Jimmy, Cody and Kid were mounted up, while I looked at Buck to see he was still standing in front of that amber.

"If it is ok with Buck, I want to stay," Buck swung around to look down at me, his eyebrows furrowed,

"Of course its ok, Lou." I nodded to him, and heard the others ride off.

It didn't take long for the amber to lose its glow. The air was cold, and I felt a shiver run up my spine. That was it, he was really gone.

"I want him to die," I said out of nowhere, shocking myself as much as Buck.

"Who?"

"Neville, I want him dead." I told Buck.

"You are not the only one Lou. Even Ike wanted him dead, and I promise you and him that I will kill him." Buck said with more hate than I have heard in my life.

"Do you think that he knew how much we loved him?" I asked,

"He knew how much we loved him, and I also know how much he loved all of us."

I hoped that what Buck had just said was true.

"It is not right that he died, it wasn't his time," Buck cried, causing me to do so as well. The pain and sorrow in Buck's voice was crippling. "He was my brother Lou, and I loved him as such. I never imagined that I would be standing anywhere on this earth without him by my side. How do I get past that? How do I move on?" He cried.

"You don't get past that Buck, and no one wants you to. I think if you do get past it then you have forgotten him. You just have to learn to live differently, knowing that no he isn't by your side but his spirit is all around you." I cried with him.

Buck pulled me up from the ground and into him. We cried our tears and said our goodbyes.

Buck and I rode back to the way station hours behind everyone else, I really thought that they would have all turned in by now, but the light coming from the bunkhouse told me no.

"Lou," Jimmy's voice called out from the barn.

I looked to Buck and offered him a smile, "Thank you Buck," Buck didn't need to say anything, he knew what I was thanking him for.

I got off of Lightning taking the saddle off as well. I walked over to the barn, to where Jimmy was waiting.

"Do you regret what we did?" I asked him, not meeting his eyes.

"Do you?" He asked in return, not answering me first.

"No," I told him with conviction.

"How can you say that?"

"Because I believe it, I already told you Jimmy that I love you."

"But I saw the fear that crossed your eyes, and the sadness in your eyes when we finished, I saw all of that."

"Jimmy the fear was fear in losing you, or fear that you didn't want me like that. And the sadness should be obvious. We have just lost a brother. The sadness will be in all of our eyes for a while." I will not tell him my fear of being so used and broken and not being enough for him, that he will not want me as I want him.

I thought about his looks he was giving me earlier, and I thought it was fair that he explained them too.

"And what about you Jimmy? You looked scared, and you were so distant afterwards, do you regret it?"

"No Lou I don't regret what we shared. I was scared that you couldn't promise me that I would never lose you. Losing Ike has proven how easily one of us can be taken away, and the thought that it could be you scares the shit out of me."

"Jimmy that is why we live for today not tomorrow. After we...ah...Danced, and I told you that I loved you, I was happy that I could die tomorrow knowing that you knew that you were loved, that I wouldn't take my love and my passion to the grave with me."

I saw fire in his eyes as he searched mine, "I love you Miss Louise McCloud." He smiled as he pulled me into his arms, kissing me with more passion than I could have imagined.

I wound my arms around his neck, letting him pick me up and carry me to the bed. Both of us frantically pulled our clothing off, we were in desperate need to get as close as we could.

Jimmy entered me as quickly as I needed him to, but I was still sore from earlier, and couldn't help but wince. Worried eyes found mine, "I'm ok Jimmy, please I need you," I reassured him. And I knew that I would be fine, he was just so big that it will take me a second to stretch around him.

"Lou?"

"Jimmy I promise, please just move."

He pulled out of me, but before I could whimper at the loss, he slowly thrust back in. His thrusts were slow and soft to begin with, but he soon sped up and I found myself meeting him with every thrust.

My fingers grabbed at his bare skin on his back and his shoulders, my head thrown back in ecstasy as Jimmy's lips devoured my neck.

I never knew that Dancin' could be this pleasurable. Not that Kid wasn't a fine dancer he was just different. My heart and my soul are tied up in Jimmy, and I have no doubt in my mind that it was only his hands I ever wanted to feel for the rest of my days.

We fell asleep tangled in each other's naked bodies. I felt safe, and I felt loved.

* * *

><p>A throat clearing had me open my eyes reluctantly. I could make out the shape of someone, before realisation of what was happening had me wide eyed in seconds.<p>

"Buck?" I said panicked,

"Lou, Jimmy," I looked behind me to see Jimmy was still sleeping soundly, his arms tight around my torso.

"Jimmy," I hissed, elbowing him slightly. I looked to Buck apologetically, "I'm sorry Buck,"

"Lou you have nothing to be sorry about, I'm happy for the both of you, but Jimmy is scheduled to ride, and we got a rider coming in fast."

"JIMMY," I said a little more forcefully,

"Hmmmmm," He moaned as he tightened his hold and snuggled into me more.

"RIDER COMING," Buck yelled out sending Jimmy into a whirl wind of action. He was butt naked trying to find his clothing while Buck quickly covered his eyes at the sight.

"Jesus Hickok, do you mind," Buck half gagged.

"I aint apologising to you," Jimmy snapped. Once he was fully clothed he leant down and kissed me,

"I love you Lou, see you in a couple of days." He told me peppering my face with lots of kisses, before running out the barn, but not before he called out, "Look out for her Buck,"

I rolled my eyes and turned to Buck who wasn't quite sure where to look. "It is ok Buck, I am covered." I assured him.

"Did you get much sleep?" I asked,

"No, not really," he replied solemnly, "I was going to ride out and see Emily, would you like to accompany me?"

"I would but I have to cook you'll breakfast first, and I would love a bath. Do you have time to wait?"

"Of course I do Lou." He got up to let me get dressed.

"You know you really don't have to watch me, right Buck." I told him, hoping he didn't feel obligated after what Jimmy told him.

"I know Lou, but I would love to have company today," I could hear his sincerity in his voice.

"Well ok then. Now shoo, so I can get dressed,"

"Yes Ma'am," he said tipping his hat.

After feeding everyone and soaking in the tub, Buck and I were both saddled up and riding out to the Metcalf's.

When we got there things looked quiet, to quiet. Concerned I dismounted and called out for Emily,

"EMILY," I looked towards the house expecting her to come from there. But when she didn't I turned towards her barn, but still no sign of her.

"I wonder where she is." I asked Buck who was walking towards the house, "You don't think she has gone into town looking for Neville do you?"

"I don't know, but Teaspoon will already be there, he won't let her get ..." Buck stopped as he looked through the window.

"What is it Buck?" I asked thinking the worst.

"It's cleared out," he said as he shook his head. Trying the door, Buck pulled it open and stepped through it. I went to follow but the sound of an incoming rider stopped me in my tracks.

"Buck, rider coming,"

Buck flew from the house and stood next to me as he eyed the approaching visitor.

"Who are you?" Buck asked the stranger.

"I am Mr Winter's, manager of the real estate office. Who are you?"

"Buck Cross, I'm a friend of Emily Metcalf, do you know where she has gone?"

"She left town early this morning on the coach. She asked me to sell everything that is left and post her the money."

"She's gone?" I asked,

"Yes Miss she has,"

I couldn't believe that she would just leave without saying goodbye. Buck and I mounted up and headed for town. We were both as quiet as one another, I think from shock.

I looked ahead of us making out the silhouette of another rider.

"Buck," I said quietly nodding ahead of us. I found myself inching closer to Buck and his horse, the closer the rider became.

My eyes widened in alarm when I saw who it was, "Buck its Neville," I said in panic.

"Are you armed?" Buck asked,

"No, sorry." My stupid skirts and dresses made it damn near impossible to carry a gun.

"Here take this," Buck threw me one of his colts, "I don't want you unarmed with him around." I agreed.

"Well if it aint' the half breed and the whore," He sneered, "If you would be so kind to get out of my way,"

"No, you are going to pay for what you did to my brother," Buck told him.

"Sorry to disappoint you boy, but I am not up for a fight today. As you can see your dummy friend grazed my arm, I aint' got it in me to pull my weapon."

"That's too bad for you," Buck said as he pulled his and aimed it at Neville.

"You aint got it in you," Neville smirked, but as the sound of Buck's gun going off sounded out through the morning sky, Neville's smirk was soon gone and in its place a look of shock as he dropped to the ground.

Buck got off of his horse and walked over to Neville's dead body. Giving it a boot to make sure he was truly dead before picking him up and slinging him over Neville's horse.

I smiled at Buck, happy that we got what we wanted. Neville will never take anyone else's family member from them.

We rode back to town with Buck leading Neville and his horse behind him. Teaspoon came out of his office as we arrived a look of disappointment on his face. Cody and Noah were behind him looking satisfied at the lifeless body of Neville.

"Buck, Lou, want to tell me what happened."

"I can't remember," Buck said as he handed the reins to Teaspoon,

"Did he at least draw first?" Teaspoon asked in a pleading way.

"He did Teaspoon," I answered for Buck,

Teaspoon being Teaspoon saw through my lie but took the reins anyway,

"Marshal Hunter, Marshal Hunter," A little boy called out.

Teaspoon looked down at the small boy, "What has you fired up Scotty?"

"Tompkins told me to fetch you. Said to tell you that man he told Hickok bout is at the store." Teaspoon looked to me, and I to him.

"Thank you Son." He patted the boy on the back, before the boy ran off. "Lou I want you to wait in the office, Noah will stay with you." I nodded, not in the mood to play the strong woman I sometimes pretend that I am.

"Cody, Buck, follow me." Buck dismounted giving my arm a reassuring squeeze. I watched as the boys and Teaspoon headed to the store, while Noah ushered me into the office.

"What do you think he wants?" I asked Noah, who was watching the window.

"Not sure Lou, but we will find out." He told me.

"Emily's gone." I told him, changing the subject. Noah took his eyes from the window.

"What do you mean she has gone?"

"Buck and I went out to the farm. Things were all cleared out and the real estate man was there to sell it all up for her."

"Serious,"

"Yip,"

"That's a shame. She is a real nice person, it would have been nice to have her around."

"Lou, Noah," Teaspoon said as he and the other two came back into the Marshal's office.

"Sorry Lou he had gone before we got there. We had a quick look through town but nothing."

"It's alright Teaspoon," I told him, "I'm going to go get the chores done, Rachel is due back tomorrow."

"I'll come with you," Buck said,

"Ah no son you can help me get Neville to the undertaker, Cody you go back with Lou."

"Alright Teaspoon." I looked to Buck apologetically.

Once back to the station I got stuck into the chores done. I even prepared supper for the following day. Once night fell around us and supper was all over I was wondering where I should sleep. Jimmy wasn't here nor was Rachel.

I thought about asking Kid if he would mind if I could stay in the bunkhouse just for tonight, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to him.

I hated how things were changing between me and him. With Ike gone, Emily gone and Kid slipping away I feel like I am losing everyone I care for.

I said my goodnights and I walked out of the bunkhouse. I stood in the middle of the yard looking from the house to the barn and back to the bunkhouse. I felt lost.

I decided to not to go to any of them. Instead I made my way over to the corral. I sat on the ground with my back against one of the posts.

I watched over the horses, wondering where and what Jimmy was doing. I felt myself smile at the thought of him, and what we shared.

"Lou?" Buck's voice questioned causing my eyes to open.

"Yeah Buck," I asked wondering what he was doing, and how long I had dozed off for.

"Why are you sleepin' out here?"

"I didn't mean to fall asleep out here. I'm obviously more tired than what I originally thought."

"Why are you out here?"

"I um...hang on why are you out here?" I said turning the question on to him.

"I couldn't sleep, and you?"

"I didn't know where to sleep." I told him

"Come back to the bunkhouse,"

"Not with Kid there."

"Lou you know he only said those things because he was hurt and jealous."

"I know, but I also know Kid enough to know he believed in everything he was saying. I don't want to hurt him more than what I already did."

"Come on," Buck said as he held out his hand.

I placed mine in his and let him pull me up from the ground. "Where are we going?" I asked once on my feet.

"I will stay with you in the barn,"

"Buck I don't want you getting a bad name too,"

"You let me worry 'bout that,"

Buck slept next to my bed that night and I was grateful. I knew that I had at least one nightmare, and I remembered Buck trying to calm me.

When I awoke he was already up, and I feared that I had scared him away. I dressed quickly and made my way over to the bunkhouse to get Breakfast started and the chores underway. Rachel was due back today and I wanted everything to be just right.

I felt like I hadn't been pulling my weight lately, and I knew that she must have been getting tired of doing two jobs.

I walked into the bunkhouse seeing Cody and Kid where just placing their boots on, while Buck and Noah were already dressed and waiting.

"Sorry," I whispered.

"Why are you apologising Lou?" Noah asked,

With my cheeks feeling blushed I told him, "I should probably knock, you know in case one of you are still dressing. And I haven't started breakfast yet,"

"Lou we've never worried 'bout the knocking thing before so why start?" Cody asked.

"Because things have changed," I said looking to Kid.

I started pulling eggs out to get breakfast started. "Do you need a hand?" Buck asked from beside me.

"No, thank you." I carried on cooking, but looked to Buck for a second. "I'm sorry bout last night," I watched as Buck tried to look thoughtful, "I know I had a nightmare, and I know you were helping me through it, thank you for being there."

"I needed a friend just as much as you did last night, so thank you Lou." I smiled at Buck as he smiled back. I knew that I would have to watch over him, cos' as fine as he seems I really don't think Ike's death has truly hit him.

After lunch, that Teaspoon didn't quite make it too, I wrapped a cloth over some sandwiches and decided to walk into town to take them to him.

I could see that Buck and Noah were busy with a new colt, but I yelled out that I would be back soon. Buck didn't look too pleased, but I just gave him a wave and headed to see Teaspoon.

As I was walking I noticed that a few people were staring in my direction. I looked down thinking I had my apron on still, but I didn't.

A couple of ladies shook their heads at me in disgust, before whispering something to each other. My skin felt heated, and I bought one hand up to my hair to make sure it was flattened down.

"That's her," I heard another whisper,

"Can you believe it?" another asked,

I could feel tears sting my eyes as I felt like the whole town were talking about me. Kid was right; they think I'm a whore.

By the time I got to Teaspoon I was a mess of tears.

"Lou, what's happened? Where are the boys?" Teaspoon asked as he held my shoulders.

"Teaspoon the whole town...they were all talking 'bout..."

"Teaspoon we got trouble," Cody said in a rush, but as his eyes found me he changed what he said, "Well Lou's got a whole lot a trouble,"


	17. Chapter 17

**I do not own the Young Riders**

**I hope this makes sense. I'm starting to think I need a proof reader, as I feel that I'm not doing a very good job in that department. **

**Please remember that it is Rated M**

* * *

><p>Jimmy<p>

I was in need of a hot bath, a good meal and an evening with my girl. This ride has been extremely tiring. My mind has been with Lou and Ike for the last two days, I don't even remember riding half of the trail.

I could finally see the sights of Rock Creek, and knew that I would be passing the mochila off to Noah.

"Rider Coming," I could hear Rachel yell out, I somewhat expected to see Lou come running out to great me, and I would have to say I was disappointed when she didn't.

Rachel gave me a wave before she carried her basket of washing into the house. I looked around the yard seeing no sign of anyone.

That's strange.

After stripping Sundancer down of his saddle and reins, I feed him and placed him in his stall. I wandered towards the bunkhouse thinking maybe Lou was in there.

I walked in hoping that she was at the stove cooking supper, but it was Kid who was the only one here. He was sitting at the table writing what looked to be a letter.

"Kid, what is going on, where is everyone?"

"Exactly what we both knew would happen, has happened." I narrowed my eyes wondering what he was getting at, and what was with the cryptic shit.

"It is time to cut the crap Kid. I know you hate that Lou and I are together, and I know that you're hurting because of it, but can we at least be civil?"

Kid gave me a nod, and his face morphed into a more serious look.

"You might want to get to Teaspoon's office. Something's happened," He told me seriously, causing me to panic.

"Is she ok?"

"At the moment she is." Again with his cryptic answers,

I wanted to punch him, I wanted to shoot him, the bastard was giving me nothing, but instead I ran.

I took off towards Teaspoon's office with dread in my heart. What else is coming our way?

My eyes found hers first, and the smile she gave me nearly stopped my heart. She was beautiful when she smiled. Dressed in my favourite blue and white dress with her hair pulled up into a pony tail, I love her like this.

"Jimmy," She cried, as she flew from her spot next to Buck and Cody, who stood next to her in a protective manor, making the hairs on the back of my neck prick up and my smile of a minute ago to turn to a scowl.

"I missed you," she whispered in my ear as her arms secured themselves around my neck. I swung her around and kissed the top of her head.

"Missed you to honey," I told her.

I looked over her shoulder to see a grim looking Teaspoon and an alert Buck and Cody.

"I thought I would bring lunch to you," Rachel said as she came into the office, "Why the long faces?" She asked as she looked at Teaspoon and the boys.

Whatever was going on, Rachel was not in the loop, was Lou?

"Rachel I'll walk back to the station with you," Lou said letting me go,

"Ah Lou..." Teaspoon went to protest,

"It's alright Teaspoon, you guys talk. We girls will be fine."

"Yes Mr Spoon we will be fine," Rachel smiled.

"I'll see you soon, please don't panic." Lou said as she gave me a parting kiss. I wanted to pull her to me and refuse her to go anywhere but at the same time I needed to hear what was happening.

As she got to the door Buck stopped her, "You carrying?" She nodded and offered him a smile.

"What the fuck is going on?" I demanded once Lou was out of ear shot.

"That guy that has been asking bout Lou, and following you around, he ah...he works for JD Marcus." Cody told me, but I didn't see the problem yet.

"Seems Marcus has written Lou into his story about Wild Bill," Teaspoon explained further.

"Written how?" I asked causing Cody to pass me one of his books. I turned to no page in particular. I just opened the book up and started to read.

_The scene was set, the moon acting as the only light, the town folk locked in their houses, and Wild Bill on his way. I looked to the only women alive to tame Wild Bill, but would she stay that way for long?_

_Alive that is._

_I knew that when Hickok refused my calling him out, that Louise was his only weakness. I knew the moment I took her, Hickok would face me._

_I looked over to her to see that the bindings around her wrists were still fixed in place, I did tell her that all that struggling was going to lead her nowhere._

_I could see where the rope had sliced her skin, and I could see the small trickle of blood run down her milky white arm. She was a beautiful woman, but even more so bound and unconscious._

_I felt my top lip lift in a sneer as I thought of all the things I could do to her, while Hickok kept me waiting._

"_Daniels," Hickok's voice called out in the darkness, causing Louise to whimper behind her gag. I leant down and rubbed Louise's leg,_

"_Soon sweetheart, I will have you soon," I couldn't wait, she makes for the perfect trophy. Not only will I be famous for killing the famous Wild Bill Hickok, I will be famous for having his girl as well._

I was going to be sick.

Marcus turned my whole life around when he named me in these damn books. I will kill him for doing this to Lou.

"It is like a god damn invitation for anyone to take her, hurt her to get me to fight them. How the hell do I protect her from that?"

"Not just you Jimmy. We love Lou as well, there is no way we want any harm to come to her." Teaspoon told me.

"You have only read half a page Jimmy. The book names Rock Creek as your home, it tells of Lou being Louise, and that she works at the station. It says that she is your only weakness the only way to get you to raise your gun these days." Buck waited a minute before he put the final nail in the coffin, "Every gun wanting to make a name for himself, will be coming for Lou, to get to you."

"I will not allow what happened with Roberts, to happen again," I said with conviction as I looked at the book in my hand. "I won't let it happen," I looked up at Cody and Buck.

"How do we keep her safe Jimmy? How the hell do we stop Marcus from printing anymore of these books?" Teaspoon asked.

"I will not kill him, but I will cut his fucken hands from his wrists. He will pay for this, and god forbids if anything happens to Lou, I will keep him alive just to cause him pain every day of his rotten life."

I thought the best way to talk about this was back at the station, with everyone. If we had shooters coming our way, we couldn't afford anyone of us to be taken by surprise, so Rachel and Jesse had to be kept in the loop as well.

* * *

><p>"Any ideas?" I asked the table, hoping that someone had something.<p>

"I have an idea," Lou said from beside me, grabbing my hand under the table,

"Let's hear it love," Said Teaspoon.

"What if I purchase the Metcalf farm? It is far enough from town and the station that no one could get hurt if anyone does come." Lou suggested,

"Could be a plan Lou, what do you think Jimmy?" Cody asked,

"Why is the Metcalf farm up for sale?" Not liking this idea at all.

"Emily is selling it. So it would be perfect, needs a bit of work though."

"I don't like it Lou. It is a long way out if something were to happen,"

"But you will be with me," Lou argued,

"That defeats the purpose then Lou. Any shooter is going to be looking for Jimmy first, then you. Jimmy will lead them to you every time. And one of those times could be when he is out on a run,"

"Kid," I somewhat warned.

"No Jimmy you have to think through this. You work for the express, you will be gone a couple of days at a time, and you know that sometimes we are doubled up, so there could be times when we're all gone, who protects Lou then?" I would leave the express in a minute to protect Lou.

"Teaspoon..." Lou started,

"Will be busy being Marshal," Kid argued back.

"He's right," Teaspoon agreed with Kid.

"What if I move in there with Jesse?"

"Jesse can't protect you Lou and you can't ask a boy of his age to do so," I told her not liking that idea at all. Jesse looked put out by that statement, "Sorry Jess, I really don't mean offence." Jesse just nodded, but I could see he wasn't happy.

"I don't need him to protect me, I can protect myself..." Lou went to argue,

"You've done a stellar job at that in the past,"

Lou flinched at Kid's words, and gripped my hand tighter.

"Sorry Lou that was uncalled for."

"Your right it was Kid, so watch your god damn mouth." I snapped in his direction.

"I don't think anyone will come looking at the farm. I mean especially if no one knows I'm out there."

"Lou, you can't even stay by yourself here and we are only a couple of feet away, how are you going to manage being miles away?" Buck's question bothered me, had something happened while I was gone?

"I would just have to suck it up and do it. And it wouldn't be for long, just until one of you gets to Marcus, and makes him write me out of the next book, or make it so the bastard can't write another book period,"

'That's my girl,' I smiled as the thought entered my head. Lou was a lot like me in most ways. And I was glad that we seemed to be on the same page where Marcus was involved. And by the sound of Cody and Buck's snigger they thought the same.

"Besides I won't be alone, Jesse will be with me, if he wants to," She looked to Jesse who grinned back to her with pride, "If anything happens or if I need you I will send him."

I pleaded with everyone, anyone to come up with a better idea, hell another idea, but to my dismay no one had anything.

I didn't like this one bit, and I could see that no one else did either, but it was all we had.

"Seems to me that it is the only way," Teaspoon said.

Lou got up from the table and held her hand out for me. We hadn't had a moment alone since I got back, so where ever she wanted to go I was willing to go with her.

"No more talking for tonight, we're turning in," She told everyone before pulling me towards the door.

"Goodnight," I said as I followed Lou out the door.

I wrapped my arms around her pulling her back into my chest, as we continued to walk, "So little lady, what else has been happening here?" I asked as I buried my face into her neck, trying to forget about what had just taken place for a second or two.

"Where do I begin?" She wondered out loud. "Buck killed Neville,"

"Good," was all I had to say 'bout that,

"Mmmhmm, as you must know Emily left, without saying goodbye. I was shocked that she wouldn't say anything, she just left Jimmy. I thought her and I were becoming friends."

"She is hurtin' Lou, we all do strange things when we're hurtin'."

"Yeah I suppose so." She admitted, "I had a nightmare." She whispered,

"You did?" confirming that I was right in thinking something had happened.

"Buck slept in the barn with me, next to the bed."

"Why was he there?" I tried to keep the jealousy out of my voice, I hope it worked. I knew Buck didn't care for Lou in any other way than being her friend or her brother, but he was still a male.

"I didn't want to sleep in the house or the barn by myself."

"Why didn't you go to the bunkhouse?"

"I didn't want to ask Kid if that was alright. I feel like I have hurt him enough." Kid and I really needed to thrash this shit out. I hated the distance it was causing between the three of us.

"Did Buck help you through your nightmare?"

"Yes, and I hated that he saw me in that state." Little did she know that Buck and the other boys have all witnessed her in that state.

Once inside the barn, Lou lit the lamp beside the bed. She kept it on low, and I watched in fascination as Lou discarded her clothing and slipped in between the blankets naked.

"You coming cowboy?"

I didn't need to be asked twice. I stripped down, grabbed my colts and slid in the bed with her. I placed my colts under my pillow, before I kissed Lou.

I loved watching her face as I moved inside of her. Her eyes hooded and her mouth opened just so slightly, but most of all it was the love that she showed me that held me captivated.

Her arms were raised above her head. I lightly had one of my hands resting atop of her wrists. I wanted to saviour this, the way she looked and the way she felt, so I went slowly. Our eyes stayed glued to one another as our hips thrust in rhythm.

I worried every time I was with her, I was scared of doing things to bring back bad memories, and I worried that she was only doing this for me.

I would have been happy just to have her hold my hand for eternity, the fact that she trusts me with her body...over whelming.

We fell asleep still in the throw of passion, and we awoke plenty to start and finish many times over. We couldn't get enough of each other.

And a strange part of me felt like we were saying goodbye.

* * *

><p>Four weeks had come and go, and things had changed dramatically.<p>

The Metcalf's farm was purchased under Buck's name. We moved Lou and Jesse in there in the dark of the night three weeks ago.

The express was getting busy as war neared. With Ike gone, and not having hired another rider when Lou left, it meant that the boys and I were gone every other day.

When I was back I couldn't go near the farm through the days, but would more often than not, sneak there at night. Lou was putting up a very good front, saying that she was still ok with the arrangement, but she was showing signs of it wearing her down.

Lou and Jesse spent their days fixing the place up, and I was starting to see the small changes that they made, when I could visit.

Jesse had shared with Rachel, at school, that Lou was sleeping less and less as her nightmares were happening more frequently. That worried me, why was she suddenly having them even more than she had?

My only guess is that it was the stress, and not having me there.

Teaspoon was trying to train up some new riders as quick as he could, but none of them were any good so it was taking longer than we had hoped.

We needed the extra riders, so I could hunt down Marcus who was firing out books, on what seemed to be a weekly basis.

Cody told me bits and pieces of what had been written, but it didn't help me to hear them.

I have just arrived back from Willow Springs, and I was heading towards Teaspoons office praying he had some good news for me. I was so close to grabbing Lou, and high tailing it out of here if something didn't happen soon.

As I neared the Marshal's office, I saw Rachel talking with her school children, who were all lined up and waiting to enter the school house.

"Jimmy," she called out, waving her hand, before deciding to just come over and say hi. I watched as she asked the kids to stay where they are and she would be back in a minute.

"Hi Rachel, what you got there?" I indicated to the bundle in her arms, as she walked over to me.

"Some baking for Jesse to take back to the farm, he isn't too keen on Lou's so asked me to do some." I laughed at that. Poor Lou she tried and she tried but she was just not destined to be a baker.

"Wild Bill, Lou, I'm calling you out," I looked behind me to see a young man with his fingers already twitching at his sides, ready to draw.

It was not that, that worried me. It was the fact that he thought Rachel was Lou.

"Rachel, walk away slowly," I whispered, to which she started to do.

"Ah uh Louise, stay just where you are," Rachel stopped in her actions.

"I will not fight you with the lady here," I told him,

"Then I will shoot her first,"

I could see that the school children were lined up and watching with wide eyes, this could end badly.

I saw Jesse turn the corner and once his eyes took the scene in front of him he ran in the direction of Teaspoons office.

"Look mister it aint' real, this isn't Lou, the books aint' real," I said trying to stall until Teaspoon arrived.

"Are you not James Butler Hickok?"

"I am, but..." He drew his gun so fast, but so did I. Problem was we both got a shot off.

"RACHEL," I heard the children scream before I heard Rachel cry out in pain. I couldn't afford to turn my back on the shooter until I was sure he was down, but as soon as his body dropped, I spun around to see Rachel had been shot.

"Rachel I'm so sorry,"

I looked at her arm to see she had only been grazed by the bullet, but that wasn't the point, she could have been killed because of me.

"It's not your fault Jimmy," She winced as I helped her up from the ground. I could hear some of the children sobbing, even though they could see that their beloved teacher was alright.

"Rachel, are you ok?" Teaspoon asked, running with worry written all over his features. He looked to the school children and to Rachel, I knew what he was thinking, 'This could have been a lot worse,"

"Let's get you to the Doc, just to make sure you're alright," Teaspoon helped Rachel to go and get checked out, while I dragged the sorry son of a bitch out of the street.

"Jesse send the kids home, tell them Rachel is ok, and to come back tomorrow."

"Ok Jimmy," he ran off to the still crying children.

I waited for Teaspoon in his office, and while I was waiting Buck, Kid and Cody all came in. It felt like it was weeks since I had seen them all last.

"I called into see Lou on my way here," Kid told me, "She didn't look to good Jimmy,"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Looks like she hasn't slept at all these past weeks,"

"Cos' she hasn't," I told him, hating that he got to see her and I hadn't.

"What's got you in a mood?" Cody asked,

"Where the hell do I begin? Fucken Marcus and those books are tearing my life apart once again. This time it aint just my life he is screwing with." I could feel my jaw tick with the anger I have for that man. "Rachel got hurt today because I had a caller,"

"Is she ok?" Buck wanted to know,

"Where is she?" Kid asked at the same time.

"No she's not ok. Her arm was grazed by a bullet. What's worse is it was in front of her class, all those children. The bastard called her Lou. He thought he was getting his chance at fame with the both of us,"

"We will get him Jimmy,"

"I know Buck but it aint' happening fast enough for me,"

* * *

><p>We all left for the station, to catch up and make plans. Noah was the only one that wasn't back yet but we should be able to catch him up when he rides in tomorrow.<p>

Teaspoon had good news saying that he was sending one of the new riders out by himself tomorrow, and one was out with Noah as we speak.

Rachel's arm was still sore, but she wasn't complaining. I couldn't apologise to her enough, to which she brushed off every time.

I knew it disturbed her that her school children were that close to danger, hell it disturbed me too.

I fell asleep in the bunkhouse that night, too tired to walk across to the barn, and not wanting to be caught sneaking to Lou's.

A loud banging on the door woke us all up through the night and had us all reaching for our guns,

"Who is it?" Cody yelled out,

"Frank James," the voice on the other side said.

Buck pulled the door open to indeed find Jesse's brother standing on the other side of it, we lowered our weapons.

"What are you doing here?"

"Hickok, Jesse sent me to get you, Lou aint' doing to good,"

"What are you doing on the farm?" I asked hoping he wasn't here to play games.

"Arrived earlier today, Jesse and Lou said I could stay there. She ah...she was screaming in her sleep. I ran in there, tried waking her, but she attacked me." Frank had scratches down his face, and a fat lip. "She won't calm down, and she's been sick."

I quickly pulled on my clothes and fastened my guns. This had to stop, I couldn't live like this, and Lou couldn't live like this.

"I'll come with you," Buck stated as he too pulled his clothes on.

As the three of us rode out to the farm, Frank started asking questions.

"Has something happened to her? I mean the way she was screaming and thrashing..."

"She was raped quite a few months back." I told him, dreading what state I was going to find her in.

"Why would you leave her alone out here then?"

"Good question, why would I do that?" I snapped,

We came to the farm, seeing a glow of light coming from the small house. We dismounted and headed inside.

We found Jesse sitting on one side of the bedroom door, his knees pulled up, and concern on his face.

"She's been cryin' so much that she made herself sick," Jesse told me looking a little pale himself. He was a good kid when it came down to it, I hated that he was just another victim in all of this. "Jimmy, Frank didn't mean to frighten her, he was only trying to help,"

"I know Jesse,"

I could hear Lou's quiet sobs come from the other side of the door.

"You did good Jesse, thank you for sending Frank, and for staying here."

"That's alright Jimmy," he said sadly,

"Buck and I are here now, you try going back to sleep,"

Jesse got up and headed for his room. I saw that Buck was putting a pot of coffee on. I guess he thought it was going to be a long night.

I knocked on Lou's door before entering. Walking through the door I saw she was curled up in a small ball on the middle of the bed. She seemed to be rocking herself as she cried.

"Lou," I said softly, "Lou honey, its Jimmy,"

She undid her ball and looked up from the bed. She looked so small and fragile, Kid was right she didn't look good at all.

"Jimmy," She said sounding so utterly broken,

"Yeah baby girl, it's me," I went over to the bed and picked her up in my arms. She was defiantly smaller.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," She wailed.

"Sorry for what?" Truly not knowing what she had to be sorry about.

"Not being strong enough to stay here," She cried.

I knew that her brave attitude was all a front, I should have put a stop to this stupid idea weeks ago.

"Don't leave me," she cried, "I don't want to be a part from you anymore, please,"

"Never again, I'm here to stay."

"We will fight them together," she cried. I swallowed that knowing lump, and agreed,

"We will fight together,"


	18. Chapter 18

**I do not own the Young Riders.**

**Please don't shoot me.**

* * *

><p>Lou<p>

Two months had come to pass,

Five callers,

Two attempts of having me kidnapped,

Four friends hit by bullets, and one lover that is ignoring me.

The numbers on my cards are stacking up against me, as my life feels like a card game, that I aint partaking in.

Rachel was grazed by a bullet, Kid and Buck both shot in the shoulder and Teaspoon shot in the leg.

I have been dragged out of Tompkins store, taken as I was feeding Lightning, and although Jimmy was able to stop them at every turn, we both knew it was just a matter of time before Jimmy would be too late.

The stress is not only showing on me, but on Jimmy as well. I have no idea the last time I saw him smile, or when we last kissed, all I know is it was far too long ago and my mind body and soul were yearning to have him.

Our lives have no sign of going back to normal, and a tiny flutter in my stomach tells be it's going to get even more hectic.

The boys all take turns of staying with me. I have had to get past the fact that they see me at my worse. Each and every one of them has had to endure a night terror, and each and every one of them have been amazing.

The new riders had finally settled in, and although I haven't met them, I can tell the boys are becoming fast friends of the three new arrivals.

I have been craving chicken for the last day or so, thinking that my body had, had enough red meat, so when Noah had gone to swap with Kid for night watching duty's, he sent Kid back with a chook.

"Hey Lou, what's for supper tonight?" Kid asked as he came into my home. It was his night to babysit me, and in return it was his night to suffer at the hands of my cooking.

"Well Kid I have something new I've been trying out. You will be the first to try it." I told him, trying to hold back the laughter at the sight of his now pale complexion.

"And ah...what's it called?" he asked trying not to gag,

"Chicken casserole," I told him proudly, "Well I think that is what I should call it," I said as I looked down at the stew like casserole on the stove top. It looked edible, let's hope that it is.

"Jesse, Frank," I yelled out wondering where those two had got to.

I was getting use to having Frank around and he was helping me get the farm fixed up. I could tell that Jesse loved having his brother back, and I was starting to see some real changes in his behaviour as well.

"What are we having tonight Lou?" Frank asked with more enthusiasm than what I am used to about my cooking.

"Don't ask," Kid muttered under his breath,

"Chicken casserole," I told Frank ignoring Kid.

Jesse came in and sat next to me at the table. I dished them all up a small serving just in case it tasted like crap, and put plenty of biscuits on the table as well, that way we won't starve.

I watched as Kid and Jesse pushed their food around their plate studying it not quite sure if they should be eating it.

Frank on the other hand seemed to be shovelling it in his mouth. "Lou this is really good," He said with a mouth full.

Was he having me on?

I looked to Kid and Jesse to see they were both looking at him with the same look of disbelief on their faces.

"What it's really good, I promise." Frank argued.

Believing him, we all dug in.

It was good, real good. I had finally cooked something right.

"Lou, what the hell happened?"

"Kid I don't know how to take that question, has my cooking really been that bad?"

"No not bad, but close to it," he sniggered as he scoffed into his supper. I narrowed my eyes at him, picked up a biscuit and threw it in Kid's direction.

I didn't expect it to hit him between his eyes. Jesse, Frank and I just sat there, stock still not sure what to say or do, as Kid seemed frozen,

Jesse was first to crack, then his laugh spurred on mine, then Frank started and then Kid joined in. I watched Kid, loving that he and I could finally laugh with each other again. I have hated the distance between he and I.

"Nice to see some folks get to have a good time, while the rest of us are workin'," Jimmy's voice said from the doorway. I hadn't even heard him come in.

"Jimmy you got to try this, Lou learnt how to cook," Jesse laughed obviously not getting the cold vibe the rest of us were getting.

"I'll think I'll pass," He snapped.

"Jimmy what's wrong?" I asked getting out of my chair and pulling him outside, not wanting to make a bigger scene in front of the others, than what he already had.

"I have spent the last two days worried sick about you, and I find you in here laughing and having fun with your past flame."

"What would you have rathered come back to see?"

"I have no idea Lou," He snapped once again.

"How 'bout you come back when you know," I had had enough of his mood. I didn't know what I had done to make him so angry. It felt like he was trying to push me away.

"Lou I'm sorry. I just can't get over the fact that you are once again in harm's way because of me."

"It isn't because of you. It never has been and never will be your fault. I need you with me and that is all I care about." Something crossed his eyes that I couldn't place, but my heart didn't like it.

He offered me a smile and a kiss on the lips though, before walking back into the house. What was going on with him? His moods are making me crazy.

Jimmy kicked Kid, Jesse and Frank out that night, explaining to me that he wanted to spend some time alone with me before he and Cody leave in search of Marcus tomorrow.

"How are the new riders making out?" I asked as I readied for bed. A strange fluttering feeling was back in my stomach, causing suspicion to enter my mind, but before I could think any more of it, arms came around me from behind, and Jimmy's mouth was on my neck.

He hadn't touched me for weeks, so I couldn't help the small flinch at the movement. Jimmy went to pull away.

"No don't pull away. You just took me by surprise is all."

"I guess we haven't had much time for dancin', have we?"

"No, and I have to say Jimmy, I've missed you." I told him as I leaned into him more, loving the security that his arms instantly offer me.

His hands found the hem of my nightgown, grasping the edge of it and pulling it up and off my body my body. He threw the nightgown to the chair in the corner of the room, while his lips kissed my bare shoulders, and back.

"I want to kiss every inch of you," He mumbled against my skin. My hand reached behind me and found his head, loving the feeling of his wet tender kisses on my naked skin.

Finished with my back, he came round my front, kissing my neck, breasts, stomach and heading down... "Jimmy," I whispered breathlessly in warning.

"Trust me Lou," He uttered, picking me up and taking me to the bed.

He lay me down, and stood back admiring my body. He got on his knees, and his hands spread my legs apart.

I felt my body quiver, unsure of what he was about to do, and somewhat embarrassed that I was on display for him see.

His mouth went to my centre, and his tongue started massaging my most womanly parts. My hands flew to his hair once again as embarrassing noises started spilling from my mouth. I had never experienced anything like this.

The knowing sensation washed through me causing me to grip Jimmy's head and throw my head back into the softness of the pillows.

"Jimmy," fell from my lips as waves of pleasure and ecstasy rolled through me.

Jimmy kissed his way back up my body, stopping at my breasts to tweak and play with my already sensitive nipples.

"This is how I will remember you," he kissed my neck, "glowing," he kissed my chin, "flushed," he kissed my cheek, "Beautiful," he captured my lips with his.

He slid himself inside of me gently, never taking his lips from mine. We danced to the sounds of our hearts, till dawn came upon us. I didn't think that I could take much more, but at the same time I was scared to stop.

I started to drift off, Jimmy kissed my temple and whispered in my ear, "Never forget that I love you, always will and always have," with a last kiss to my forehead, I'm sure I drifted off and he left to find Marcus.

* * *

><p>That was two weeks ago, and I was back to missing him intensely. I would spend my spare moments of the day staring out towards the horizon begging for it to show the silhouette of Jimmy coming home.<p>

But as I stare out there in the early afternoon sun, I don't see him and once again my heart aches for another day.

I picked up the washing basket and made my way out to the line. The day was beautiful out, and I found myself saddened when I remembered how the boys and I would spend these hot days at the river. Before Roberts, before Marcus, life was good.

I reached up and started pegging the clothes to the line, I knew that it was late in the afternoon for doing that, but the nights are getting hotter so I knew that it would dry.

I couldn't help but notice how tender my breasts were. I knew Rachel would get that when she got her monthly, so I guess that is what it is.

The only thing was I can't remember the last time I had mine.

"Lou do you want to come to the station for supper, I can bring you back later," Buck asked, pulling me from my thoughts, as he looked like he was heading out.

"No you go ahead,"

"Lou you can't hide yourself away." He protested,

"Really Buck, cos it is exactly what I want to do, every time I'm near one of you in town, you end up getting hurt. I think it's safer for me to stay where I am."

"Lou it aint your fault, you know that right?" I gave him a weak nod, "Jimmy and Cody will be back before you know it, and the books will stop. Don't let it rule your life."

"Are you on babysitting duty tonight?" I asked quickly changing the subject.

Buck gave me a knowing look before nodding, "You know I don't see it like that." He told me.

"You'd be the only one," I said as I turned my back and headed into the house, "See you later,"

Jesse and Frank were coming out from the barn, "Why don't you boys go with Buck, have a nice hot meal," I told them hoping I could get away with having some time to myself.

"I'll think I will stay here," Frank said looking at me, "If that is alright,"

"Of course," I turned to back to Buck, "You don't mind if Jesse goes with you, do you?"

Buck eyed Frank for a few seconds before shaking his head, "Great, if there are any left over's bring some back for Frank, I'm not in the mood for cooking,"

"No problem Lou, I will bring something back for you too." Jesse said as he raced to his horse. And although eating was the last thing on my mind, I just agreed with him and set off for the house.

* * *

><p>I kept myself busy with folding, and straightening the house up, it was getting to the stage that I really didn't think the place could get any cleaner. Frank stayed away, knowing that I wasn't in the mood for company, which I was grateful for.<p>

A flutter in my stomach had me placing my hand over it, rubbing my middle tenderly, and I wondered if it could really be.

I never got to experience the tell tale signs of my first pregnancy, but I knew in my heart and with every bone in my body that I maybe with child.

"Frank, I'm going to take a soak in the tub," I called out to him, so he would know not to disturb me.

"Ok Lou, I'll feed the rest of the horses if you want," I smiled at him and nodded,

"That'd be great Frank, thanks." I walked inside to get my bath ready. I knew that I should go and see the Doc, but it wasn't safe to go into town at the moment, and if I sent for him everyone would know, I wanted Jimmy to know before anyone else.

"Hurry home Jimmy," I whispered aloud to myself.

I discarded my clothing quickly and sunk down slowly into the hot bubbles.

I thought of everything but the one thing that was plaguing my mind.

I slipped out of the bath, wrapping my robe around me and walking over to the mirror. I looked towards the door making sure it was still closed, before allowing the robe to drop at my feet.

What was I looking for?

My finger tips ghosted over my tummy, as my eyes struggled to see any differences front on.

I turned to the side and gasped at my little bump that looked rather prominent on the side, without the obstruction of clothing.

I was with child, I had no doubt.

I watched as my eyebrows furrowed, was this good news?

I thought about how happy Jimmy made me, and how much I adored him and loved him, how could this be bad?

"Lou, can I come in?" Teaspoon voice asked from the other side of the door, causing me to jump and for my hands to fall from my growing tummy.

"Not yet Teaspoon I just got out of the tub, I will be out soon." I rushed out

"Ok love, I will wait in the parlour for you."

I quickly found my dress, when what I really wanted to do was get in my nightgown and hide under the covers of my bed.

I walked out to find Teaspoon sitting in the arm chair. His face was serious, and I couldn't help but notice how much he had aged of late.

I sat beside him on the other chair, waiting for him to start telling me what he wanted too.

"Cody and Jimmy were able to pursued Marcus into writing no more books," I felt myself smile at the news.

"Well that's great news Teaspoon, I mean we will still get the odd caller, but surely this means that we won't attract any new ones and it will settle down," I looked hopefully into the eyes of the only father that I have known.

"That is what we're hoping Lou," He looked out the window towards the yard, I followed his eyes to see that all the boys were out there watching the house, well all except Jimmy.

"Where's Jimmy Teaspoon?" I asked not seeing him out there. Cody was there, but where was he?

"That's the thing Lou..." My eyes swung back to look at him.

"He's not..." I couldn't bring myself to say it, "dead is he?" I felt the first of my tears fall from my eye.

"No he's not dead Lou, but he is...he is gone sweetheart."

"Gone how Teaspoon?"

"He told Cody to tell you that he doesn't want to put you in any more danger, that he being here does that,"

I shook my head not believing what he was saying, Jimmy had left me?

"No, he wouldn't do that," I cried,

"I'm sorry Lou, it seems Jimmy has left us all," My hands went around my middle almost instinctively.

"I want to be alone."

"Lou you aren't out of danger yet,"

"I don't care Teaspoon, none of that matter's now."

"Of course it matters,"

"You are wrong Teaspoon, if it mattered then he would have come back, he would be here."

"Lou you know how Jimmy can be,"

"I know Teaspoon but that was before, when he only had himself to worry about." I looked out the window to the boys, now knowing why they didn't come in. I knew that they had to be upset too, after all Jimmy means something to all of us, if they only knew what else he was leaving behind.

"Can I please be alone Teaspoon,"

"I can't allow that Lou, but I will get one of the boys to stay clear of the house for a bit,"

If he could leave then doesn't that mean I could to? I didn't want to be here raising a child on my own, having my family look at me in pity or feeling like they had to help me out of obligation.

It was only a matter of time before there was no such thing as the Pony Express, and as sad as the thought was, it meant that the boys were free to leave. I was sure that they would stay if they were able to, but as sure as I was of that, I was just as sure that they would go where the money is.

"Teaspoon really I will be fine, Jesse and Frank are here if anything happens."

Teaspoon eyed me suspiciously, but decided that maybe I did just need some time by myself.

I went to my room and spent the rest of the evening on my bed, crying. I decided that I would leave, but I think a part of me was leaving to look for Jimmy.

He had to be out there somewhere, he told me he loved me, you don't leave the ones you love, not without saying goodbye.

He doesn't know of the child I could be carrying, surely he would come back and stay with me once he knew.

But was that a good thing?

If he was to come back wouldn't I rather it be because he wanted me, a life with me, instead out of obligation.

I wouldn't stay here and make the rest of them take care of me and a baby. That is not their responsibility.

Pulling myself out of my inner ramblings I quickly jumped from the bed and started putting some clothes together. Tonight would be the only night that I could do this.

Surely Jesse and Frank were asleep by now, and I had no other babysitters tonight, this was my only opportunity.

I gathered my things in my arms and headed to the stables. I suddenly wondered if it was alright for me to ride, I mean surely it wouldn't harm the baby. I looked over to the buckboard thinking that maybe I should take that, just in case.

No I couldn't. Once the boys see that I am gone it would be too easy for them to catch up with me in that.

I placed my things down by Lightning's stall, and went to fetch her saddle,

"You know Lou, I have known a lot of quitters in my time, and I have to tell you that I wouldn't have pegged you for one." I froze when I heard Frank's voice.

"I'm not quitting, I'm just doing what I feel like I have to do," My head spinning around to see where he was hiding.

"Just because he took the easy way out, don't you." He came out from behind the stall so I could see him. "The family you have made for yourself here is something you shouldn't take for granted. The way you all take care of each other," He shook his head as if he was clearing it, "What I would give to have just a small amount of that."

"Frank of course you are a part of that,"

"I am with you and Jesse, but you and Jesse have the acceptance of the whole group. Don't be a fool girl. Don't turn your back on them."

"I continue to hurt them Frank, don't they deserve a normal way of life as well? Don't they deserve a moment's peace?"

"What's a normal life Lou?"

"Oh I don't know, maybe not having to babysit a friend cos she can't fucken sleep, or maybe being able to walk with said friend in town and not getting shot at,"

"I have not heard one of them complain. All I have ever seen is love and respect for you."

"I'm a god damn burden Frank. Jimmy knew that, that is why he left, am I just to stay here and wait until they all get a clue and follow in his footsteps?"

"He's a fucken coward Lou. Times got tough and he ran. Those people that you want to leave are so angry with him right now. He couldn't even tell Cody to his face that he was leaving, he left a note and snuck out through the night, just like you're doing now."

"Why didn't he want to come home to me? Why would he tell me he loves me, then to turn around and leave me?" I said devastated that this was all happening.

"For the same reason you were going to leave us. He thought he was doing you a favour." I felt my tears coming thick and fast as I slumped to the ground.

"I love him, I need him," I cried as Frank stood there watching me not sure of what he should do.

He leant down with his hands out, but I knew he was too scared to comfort me, especially after how I attacked him the last time. But Frank had become just as important to me as what Jesse had.

"Lou?" Bucks voice questioned from behind Frank. Frank stepped aside so Buck could come closer to me, looking a little relieved that Buck was here.

"If you have done something..." Buck said staring Frank down,

"He didn't do anything Buck, he was helping me." Buck didn't look sure as he looked at Frank then down to me.

"I cannot believe he would leave me like that Buck. He didn't even say goodbye." I cried as Buck came to crouch down to my level and placed his arms around me. I slung my arms over his shoulders and cried into his neck.

"I'm pregnant," I whispered into his ear for only him to hear. I felt him stiffen before he nodded that he heard me.


	19. Chapter 19

**I do not own the Young Riders.**

**I am so sorry it has taken so long.**

**Big thank you to Brilliant Darkness, I just needed those extra eyes to make sure I wasn't going mad.**

**Thanks to my loyal reviewers, I love that you are enjoying the journey as much as me.**

**Jimmy**

"Jimmy Hickok, I'm calling you out."

Every time I hear those words, it wears me down just a bit more. I am not the man that I want to be, and if I was truly being honest with myself, I don't even know who I am anymore.

"Hickok, you come out here or I will go looking for the little miss," The caller taunted, making my mind go straight to Lou.

Her eyes, her smile, her smell, her taste, I miss it all.

It has been four months since I left the note for Cody at the desk at the hotel. I knew that I was chicken shit in doing so, but I worried that if I told him to his face, what I wanted to say, he would see through the lie.

I told him to tell Lou to move on, to find someone else as I would do. I told him to let her know that I wouldn't be back. I could no longer be with her as the risk was too great.

"Hickok," My caller yelled once again.

I downed the last of my whiskey and got to my feet. A month ago a part of me thought that one of the boys or even Teaspoon would have come to drag my ass back, but no one came and no one has sent word.

I was certain that I didn't have a family to go back too. And although that is what I had wanted, a part of me thought that they would fight.

"HICKOK,"

I stagger out of the saloon, not bothering to look my caller in the eyes, cos they're not hers. Not caring for a reason as to why he felt the need to call on me, cos all I feel is her.

All I look at is his colt hanging low at his side, just like I wear mine, the twitch of his fingers at the ready to pull.

I take my stature and I wait and I watch. I hear him talking but nothing registers, not any more.

He pulls, and he is quick, but once again I am quicker. I am aware that I have been grazed by his bullet, but I don't care. I swagger back to my place at the bar, as the sound of his body making a thud registers just slightly in my ear. I order another whiskey as I try and drink away another memory.

This is my life now.

* * *

><p>Weeks drag on as I go from town to town, not staying more than a few days in either one. War is getting closer and the thought of joining the cause had crossed my mind on more than one occasion.<p>

I have so much anger inside of me that I feel like I could take the whole army on myself. The need to kill is over powering, and is hard to rein in.

But then I think of her.

I have more than enough blood on my hands, dealing with the shit storm that is my life. The war is the least of my worries.

I knew that I was dangerously close to losing who I truly was. I was in need of some familiar faces and a sense of family around me.

I was heading to my sisters and Nathan's. I knew that she was with child and I hoped I could lend a hand if they needed one.

But on the way my depression once again bought me down, and had me riding for the first saloon I could find, like it always did. Drinking was the only thing that could numb the pain, and I found myself needing more of the scorching alcohol each day.

I sat at the bar trying to drown out the mindless talk of the town folk.

"Buy a girl a drink cowboy," A woman's voice asked, and while I thought I recognised the voice, I couldn't be sure it wasn't just my whiskey hazed mind.

"Na I'm good," I slurred, not bothering even turning around.

"Jimmy Hickok is that any way to treat a lady?" Well that got my attention.

I turned on my stool to see Rosemary Burke standing in front of me.

"Rosemary, what are you doing here?" I looked behind her to see if Isaiah was with her,

"I was going to meet Nathan here, actually," She told me, her smile falling from her face.

"Where is Isaiah?" her face fell and she paled, "Rosemary?" I questioned.

"He was killed Jimmy. One of the Slave houses...was..." She started crying, instantly pulling me from my seat.

"Rosemary I'm so sorry honey,"

"I need your help Jimmy," she cried latching onto me and pulling herself in.

I hesitated for a minute, not feeling right about consoling another woman, especially one I had lusted after in the past. But as her tears increased my arms wrapped themselves around her. It was obvious that she had tracked me down, as there was no way Rosemary would come to a saloon like this.

"What do you need Rosemary?" I asked as I held her.

She went on to tell me about a man named Pearson who was leading a crusade of fellow rebels.

"Nathan had something of Isaiah's in his house. I was riding back through town when I saw your palomino."

"So you've seen Nathan?"

"No, he has taken your sister and the children to Seneca. I've been to the house and got what Isaiah had left. It is what Isaiah would have wanted me to do."

"Does Pearson know of Nathan? Is Nathan involved in this?" I asked worried for my sister and her family.

She nodded her head yes.

"Rosemary what do you exactly plan on doing? What was at Nathans?"

"Pearson," She muttered, "He was the one that killed Isaiah. I want him to pay. Isaiah had a list, it is not only full of names of the men that follow Pearson, but it also says where I can find him and others like him." She looked away for a minute before turning back, "I want him dead,"

"Getting yourself killed isn't going to bring Isaiah back, and that is exactly what will happen, you will be killed if you go after Pearson."

"Then help me. You are the only one that can." Rosemary looked behind her and around us before passing me a folded piece of paper.

I carefully opened it up, to see it was just rows of letters. None of them made a word, but maybe they did if they were jumbled around, I had no idea.

"Please Jimmy, you have to help."

"You are wrong Rosemary. I have no idea how to decode this. The only thing I'm good at is killing."

"Then you help me with that part, and we get Nathan to help me with the list." I couldn't help but notice that Lou and Rosemary were from two opposite sides of the world. Lou would do everything in her power to keep me or anyone out of harm's way, where Rosemary wants everyone to rush to the danger.

"You are not bringing Nathan into this. He has my sister to take care of, and babies to go home too. I will not have you destroy that."

"So you will help me?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not if you don't want me to involve Nathan you don't."

I thought of anyone who would be able to decode this letter. There was only one person who came to mind, and I wasn't sure he would help even if I begged.

* * *

><p>I wanted to give Teaspoon the heads up that I was coming. I knew that I was not going to be welcomed with open arms, but maybe if they knew I was coming instead of being blindsided, it may lessen the blow.<p>

"I want to send a letter," I said walking into the postmaster's house.

"Sure son, just give me a...Oh Jimmy, long time no see son. You just missed Kid," Miles the station master told me.

I looked out to the street hoping that Kid was long gone and wouldn't see Sundancer hitched up.

"You boys sure are having a bad run in Rock Creek."

"What do you mean by that?" I asked nervously. Miles was about to give me the only news that I have heard in months about my family, and it sounded like it was bad news.

"Well losing Ike like you did, you leaving, and now with that coloured rider...Noah now gone,"

"Gone? Gone how?" I asked swallowing hard.

"No idea, sorry son. But I do know that the boys there are no longer on the schedule to run, actually Kid just ran the last ride. Telegraph poles are going up quicker than all you boys can ride. Rock Creek volunteered to pull their contract first."

"Why would they do that?" I asked myself but Miles thought the need to tell me more.

"Kid just told me that Cody has signed up with the army, who have stationed themselves in Rock Creek. Kid is looking to head South with his fiancée, and with Buck becoming a Deputy, there is no one left."

"I suppose not," I said quietly. "Thanks Miles, I will catch you later," I said feeling sad and deflated, and wondering if Kid's fiancée is Lou. I wouldn't blame either of them if they had found comfort in each other again. I won't ever like it, but I wouldn't blame them.

"Ah what about your letter Jimmy," Miles called out,

"It doesn't matter now," I told him.

After I got back to Rosemary, I told her that we were heading to Rock Creek. I told her that Teaspoon would help decipher the code, though deep down I knew he would care less about Rosemary's list, just like I didn't, especially after hearing about Noah.

Rosemary agreed, mainly because she had no other choice, and we headed for Rock Creek. It was going to take a couple of nights, and I was thinking it would be best to stay out of sight the best we could.

Second night in my anxiety was getting the best of me. I hoped that Kid and Lou had already left, but at the same time I hoped that he hadn't taken her anywhere. I was a little angered that Kid would even consider taking Lou to the South.

It wasn't who she was.

"Jimmy what has been on your mind these last couple of days?" Rosemary asked as she moved sit up close to me.

"Nothing for you to worry about," I told her, shifting slightly feeling uncomfortable at how close Rosemary was sitting next to me.

"Jimmy, I just need to know that you are really going to see me through this. If there is something else on your mind then I want to know."

"Rosemary there is nothing to tell you," I muttered as I watched the flickering flame of the fire. Rosemary's hand eased its way onto my knee. I turned my head and looked into her eyes.

Rosemary smiled sweetly before leaning in...

I leaned back...

"Rosemary I don't..."

"Please Jimmy, I want to feel," God those words, I have heard them before.

The problem this time is that my heart does not belong to Rosemary. It belonged to Lou, even way before she even muttered those same words to me.

"I can't be that for you."

"Oh, ok..." She pulled her hand back and scooted further away from me, "Why?" she asked softly.

"You have only just lost Isaiah..."

"But how is that a problem for you?"

"Really Rosemary?"

"Really Jimmy. It is my heart that needs to mend, not yours." She snapped, "Shouldn't I be the only one who knows when it is time for me to move on?"

I studied her for a minute wondering how someone who is so remarkably beautiful could be so damn ugly at the same time.

"You know what you are right, but I still don't want you that way." I told her as I lay down and turn my back on her, shutting any more conversation off.

* * *

><p>The following day I awoke with a heavy heart. I was riding to one of the only homes I have ever known, to a family I burnt only months ago. I was about to ask for their help for a woman I couldn't care less about, but had to help her so my sisters life wouldn't fall apart.<p>

No words were spoken between Rosemary and me as we rode towards Rock Creek. And the fact that bringing her to my family could cause them more harm, was also plaguing my mind.

We rode into town in the early afternoon. The streets were busy and by the looks of it nothing much had changed.

I could feel eyes on me, and by the way I could see Rosemary's head twist and turn in every direction she could to.

I stopped at the saloon, contemplating if I should have a quick drink before going walking to the Marshal's office. Deciding against it, I hitched Sundancer to the post, as Rosemary did the same to her mount.

I made my way into the Marshal's office, knowing that Rosemary was behind me, but not caring either way. Teaspoon's back was too me, but when he heard our footsteps he spun round.

I could see he was about to greet us, but when he saw that it was me, his mouth closed and his eyes narrowed.

"Is it just me or did it turn real cold in here," Rosemary whispered in my ear.

Choosing not respond to her, I addressed Teaspoon.

"Teaspoon,"

"Jimmy," he said curtly.

The silence was uncomfortable, and the tension was becoming chlostraphobic.

"I heard 'bout Noah," Thinking that was the best way to start.

"That was weeks back..." Teaspoon begun to snap,

"I know Teaspoon, but I only just heard, came straight here."

"Well you have shown your face, maybe its best you leave before anyone else see's you." He suggested quickly.

"You mean Lou?" I asked just as quick, knowing that he was just protecting her.

"I mean them all. You burnt a lot of bridges leaving like you did."

"How is she?" I asked quietly. I didn't know if I had a right to ask, but I still had to know she was ok.

"Does your friend want to know as well?" Teaspoon asked indicating with his head towards Rosemary. I could hear the insinuation in his tone, and was quick to set him straight.

"That is all she is Teaspoon, a friend. A friend that needs help and I thought maybe you could help her."

"So you didn't come for Noah, you came for her."

"Of course I came for Noah, I came for all of you, Rosemary just happened to need help at the same time."

Teaspoon straightened himself up and looked me and Rosemary over. He went to tell me something when a voice sounding out had us all freezing.

"Teaspoon can you help me," Lou's voice asked, as she obviously just walked into the office.

I looked to Teaspoon and he me. I closed my eyes wanting to turn, to take her here and now, god how I have missed her.

"Ah Lou, stay there honey, you know you shouldn't be walking around on that leg," What was he on about, didn't he just tell me that she was ok, that doesn't sound ok. I opened my eyes and looked at him in question.

"I'm using that darn thing he gave me Teaspoon but those boys are making me...oh sorry I didn't..." I heard her breath in hale sharply as she obviously saw me.

I turned around to take a look at her, seeing that she had a walking stick of some description, tucked under arm. Her face looked tired and pale, and her...

"You're with child?"

"Not that it concerns you, but yes." She said coldly, "I think I will head back to the bunkhouse," Lou turned to leave, while I stood there dumbfounded, I didn't even notice that Rosemary had come to stand next to me, weaving her arm in mine.

"Is it mine?" I asked to her back, causing her to look at me. I watched as she looked at Rosemary on my arm, hurt crossing her features.

"No," she said sadly before hobbling away.

I watched her leave, with her head hung low and her shoulders slumped. "What have I missed?" I asked Teaspoon.

"Which part?" Teaspoon asked, to which I looked at him with a look that clearly said 'don't fuck with me,' "Ah maybe your friend, could go and find a room at the hotel," Teaspoon was being rude, but that was the least of my worries. Rosemary caught on that the conversation we were about to have had nothing to do with her, so she excused herself.

"Did you have to bring her here Jimmy?"

"I did Teaspoon, but that story can wait. I want you to tell me what I have missed."

"I think I'll skip the part where you left Lou heartbroken and with child, just cos you felt that it was best,"

"That'd be great," I snarked.

"A month back she had a caller. The son of a bitch followed her home and demanded that she faced him. She barricaded herself in her room, and hid under the bed.

The ah...the guy must have heard Noah riding in; it was his night to stay with her. Noah found her and helped her to her feet. They both didn't see the man that had followed Noah in. He drew on Noah but Noah wasn't quick enough.

Lou tried to run; she managed to get to the barn before the guy got a hold of her. Frank heard her screaming from the far paddock, he came running to see the guy held Lou by the neck, pinning her up against the wall, her feet unable to touch the ground." We both shuddered as Teaspoon continued.

"When he heard Frank approach he dropped Lou to the ground, she broke her ankle on impact. Frank killed him, and bought Lou to the station. We buried Noah a day later."

"Is the child mine Teaspoon?" I asked him in all seriousness. I hoped that he was able to tell me the truth.

"Of course it's yours Hickok, did you really have to ask?" Teaspoon asked me with clear disgust in his tone, and in the look in his eye.

I looked to the direction Rosemary walked off in, "Coming here was wrong," I turned on my heel ready to head out. Rosemary would have to find someone else to help her. I have only been back five minutes and already succeeded to hurt Lou.

"From where I stand it is the only right thing you have done for a while son."

"From the reception you have given me, I can only imagine what waits for me with the rest of them."

"So what, you are going to run again? Be the coward you were four months back..."

"I am not a coward,"

"That is exactly what you are. I can see it on your face, and sitting heavy on your shoulders. Things were rough and you weren't man enough to face it head on. You let your brothers fill your shoes."

Something about the way he said that last bit, didn't sit right with me. "Fill my shoes how?" I asked slowly, hoping I hadn't truly lost Lou forever to Kid.

Teaspoon's eyes narrowed as he seemed to study me, or maybe he was trying to choose his next words carefully.

"Protecting her, helping her, comforting her through her sleepless nights, you know all the stuff you used to do."

"Has she moved on?" I gulped, bracing myself for his answer.

"No. Not that there aren't others who wish she would."

"I bet," I uttered in a bitter sweetness.

"What do you expect Jimmy? You expected to break her heart and she would welcome you back with open arms?"

"I want to talk to her Teaspoon. I need her to hear my side of things and explain to her who Rosemary is. I don't want her to think that I have moved on."

"I doubt she will talk to you, and she is most likely heading back out to the farm."

"She's still there?" I asked incredibly.

"Of course she is still there Jimmy, it's her home. The place maybe under Buck's name but it was Lou's money that bought it."

Teaspoon agreed that he would ask Lou to talk with me. I followed him back to the way station trying to ignore the hateful glances the town folk flashed my way.

The buckboard was still here, so she hadn't left yet.

"Wait here son while I go have a talk with her,"

I sat on the seat outside the bunkhouse, I wanted to listen in and see what she said about me to Teaspoon. I was hoping she was somewhat happy to have me back, but I knew chances weren't great.

"I don't want him anywhere near me Teaspoon. He made his choice, he didn't want me."

"Lou I know love, but with everything that has happened, having him here might help,"

"He hurt me. He hurt me more than he will ever know, I don't think I can or will get past that. And he seems to have moved on,"

Ok so maybe not the words I wanted to hear, but I wanted to go in there and tell her that there was nothing going on with Rosemary and me.

"So it's true you are back," Kids voice said pulling my hand away from the door of the bunkhouse, and had me turning towards him.

"I am," I told him shortly, hoping he would pick up my unwillingness to talk with him.

"You have some nerve showing up here," Kid said grasping the woman's hand that stood next to him.

"Hi I'm Dorthia," The woman said holding her hand out,

"Jimmy," was all I said shaking her hand slightly.

I wanted to go in the bunkhouse and tell Lou that Rosemary and I were just friends; that she didn't have to worry about her.

"Pleasure to meet you Jimmy," She smiled, as she stood back and stared up at Kid proudly.

"So you two..." I indicated with my hand between the two, thinking I can cross Kid off the list as a possible suitor for Lou.

"Engaged, last month," Dorthia beamed. While Kid stood staunch, staring me down.

"Jimmy are you here to stay? I mean are you going to move back to Rock Creek?" Dorthia asked with a whole lot of hope in her voice. "Sorry I just heard so much about you it would be nice to get to know you for myself."

"I can imagine what you've heard," I told her, making Kid smile.

"Yes well it has been good and bad, I kinda want to make my own mind up," Dorthia told me truthfully, and I liked it.

I looked away from Kid and now set my eye upon Dorthia. She was pretty, and very southern, I can see why Kid liked her.

I went to answer but Rosemary called my name from across the way.

"Jimmy,"

"Who is that?" Kid asked instantly, as Rosemary came to stand next to me.

"Rosemary I would like you to meet Kid and his fiancée Dorthia,"

"Pleasure to meet you Rosemary," Dorthia said sweetly, her voice carrying the perfect southern slang.

"Pleasure to meet you both," Rosemary said just as sweet, but I knew it was anything but. Rosemary despised anything from the South.

Dorthia was nice, making conversation with Rosemary, trying to make her feel as welcome as she could.

"Didn't take you long, did it?" Kid snapped mid conversation.

"Kid, not the time or the place," I told him, rolling my eyes at his behaviour.

"Come Dorthia, we'll leave Jimmy and his lady friend to talk." Kid pulled a confused Dorthia towards the house.

"Nice to meet you both, hope to see ya'll real soon." Dorthia called out as she was practically being dragged into the direction of town.

Rosemary wasted no time at all letting me know how she felt about the people she had met today.

"Jimmy I cannot trust your friend Kid nor Teaspoon. They maybe your family but at the end of the day their roots are in the south." Rosemary spat. Where she got of thinking that she was better than them, I had no idea.

"I'm telling you, you can trust them."

The sound of a rider coming had me turning my head. I watched as Buck's eyes found mine.

The way he looked at me had me knowing straight away that he was the one who would 'fill my shoes' no problem.

"Stay here," I told Rosemary as I stalked up to Buck, leaving Rosemary next to the bunkhouse.

"You and Lou?" I asked, raising my chin, prepared to fight for what was mine, even though Buck would be the better man.

"The thought would never cross her mind Jimmy, but if I so much as see a hint in her eyes that she could even possibly feel that way about me, I wouldn't hesitate. And I tell you I would treat her hell of a lot better than what you do."

"I have no doubt. But I am here, and I do want her and that child, so if you are as honourable as you say you are, you will wait for that look or her word."

Buck surprised me by punching me, hard, square in the jaw and knocking me on my ass.

"You so much as think of turning your back on her again, I will swipe her out from under your feet before you even thinking of returning."

I rubbed my jaw and watched him walk away at the same time I saw the door of the bunkhouse open. Lou looked down at me on the ground, then to Buck who was walking away and then over to Rosemary who was standing next to the bunkhouse staring at Lou.

Lou walked over to the buckboard, a protective hand over her belly, and her eyes trained anywhere but me.

I couldn't let her leave. I had to make her see that I still loved her.

"Lou I fucked up, I fucked up bad and I'm sorry." I told her as I scrabbled to my feet.

"Yeah you did. So I know you can see why I am not welcoming you back with open arms." She looked behind me to the others. "You hurt a lot of people Jimmy, people that love you."

"Lou I only care about what you think..." She didn't give me a chance to finish.

"Then you are not the man I thought you are. You make it right with them before you even think about knocking on my door again."

Lou sat up on the buckboard and headed towards her ranch. Before I could ask if anyone was going with her, Jesse jumped out from nowhere and sat on the back of the wagon, not giving me a glance.

* * *

><p>Later that night Rachel invited Rosemary and me for supper, much to Rosemary's disgust. I had to try and amend some bridges, not only to get my family back, but to help Lou see that I was trying.<p>

I was not going anywhere knowing she carries a child that she and I made together. I could feel myself smile when I think back to the way her hand rested on her protruding stomach. She was beautiful, and I can already tell she is a natural mother.

I managed to talk to Cody about Rosemary's letter and he said that he would be happy to talk with his Captain. Teaspoon wasn't happy about me bringing the letter here, he was sure it meant trouble.

I would have to agree with him.

And while it was only the four of us talking, I had a sneaky suspicion that someone was listening in. That suspicion was confirmed when Rosemary and I headed back to our rooms at the Hotel, I saw Jessie running to the barn.

"Jimmy I cannot give Pearson's location to the army." Breaking my gaze,

"Huh, what?" I asked, wondering if I should be worried about what Jesse could do with what he had hurt.

"I want Pearson's blood Jimmy. I will not give it to the army."

"That is exactly what you need to do. Let them handle it Rosemary."

"Should I not be the one who gets to revenge Isaiah's death? It means a hell of a lot more for me to see him dead, he's just another number for the army."

"But the result will be the same Rosemary. You want Pearson and his men dead, that will still happen." The sound of a horse coming out of the barn had me turning in that direction.

"Jesse?" I yelled out.

"Do you think he has been listening the whole time?" Rosemary asked me.

"I don't know. Though even if he did, he cannot do anything that would give you away, he's just a child."

"Maybe, but just in case we should talk to him." Rosemary told me.

"We will go out to the farm tomorrow, now I will walk you over to the Hotel."

* * *

><p>The following day I told Teaspoon about going to see Jesse. He joined Rosemary and me, along with Buck.<p>

The ride out I kept thinking that maybe Buck was the more honourable man, that I should move aside and allow him to 'fill my shoes'.

The thing was, seeing Lou again and knowing that she is carrying my child, I will not step aside for anyone, not even for a good man like Buck.

As we neared the back of the house voices shouting out had us pausing.

"Frank please don't do this, Jesse and I need you. We want you here," I heard Lou plead. I looked to Teaspoon and Buck to see that they were confused by what they heard.

"Lou I'm taking Jesse with me." Frank yelled out.

"No Frank. He's just a boy you can't do that." I heard Lou's voice crack, and I knew that she was about to lose it.

"He wants to come, Lou. I know how much you care for him and him you, but he and I are blood, we have to stick together and fight for what we believe in."

"Please Frank don't do this." Lou pleaded again, this time I could hear the tears in her voice.

"JESSE!" Frank yelled.

"NO, PLEASE," Lou yelled back.

"Come on Frank we aint got all day."

Teaspoon, Buck, Rosemary and I flew into action when we heard that there was another voice with them. I rounded the corner to see Lou had a hold of Jesse's horse. She was pleading and begging for him to stay, while hoping on her good foot.

"Jesse don't do this, please stay,"

"I can't Lou,"

"SHIT, we got company boys," One yelled out as his eyes spotted us. I looked to see that there was a small army of them saddled and ready to ride out.

Guns were drawn on both sides, but our side didn't want any bullets fired until Jesse and Lou were out of harms way.

"Jesse you coming or going," Frank asked Jesse, looking torn as to what he should do.

"Let's just go, leave the boy Frank." The one I remember as Garrett said.

Lou held the reins tighter, still trying to plead with Jesse, I watched as one of Frank's other men raised his gun, towards them.

"Ride away boy, cos I swear if you pull that trigger your life will be over." I warned him, with both my colts cocked, and finger on the trigger.

The bastard sneered at me as he fired his gun.

Jesse's horse reared on his back legs, sending Jesse to the ground, the bastard fired again.

I watched in absolute horror and helplessness as the horse started to fall, Lou seeing this too tried to run but she was too late as the mount fell atop of her.

"GET ON JESSE!" Frank screamed, as he rode up close to Jesse, pulling him up and onto his horse.

"LOU, LOU, LOU," I could hear Jesse screaming over and over again, as I opened fire on all in front of me, "FRANK STOP! LOU, LOU, LOU," he continued to scream as he was ridden away.

"Jimmy, Jesse is in there," as I fired in the same direction that Frank's men rode.

"I don't care Teaspoon,"

I ran in Lou's direction, with my guns in front of me. I saw Buck take off in the same direction as Frank, while Rosemary joined me.

Lou was on her side with her arms wrapped around her stomach. She tried protecting our baby. I prayed with everything I had in me that they were both alright.

"Lou honey can you hear me?"

No response.

"Teaspoon, you got help me get this horse off of her," Teaspoon ran over, the sound of gun fire ceased.

"Great merciful god," He said as he and Rosemary helped me try and move the horse. Buck came running over to give us a hand.

"Rosemary you pull Lou out, while we try and lift enough of the horse weight for you to do so." Buck ordered her.

"Ok," She said, sounding panicked.

"One, two three," we heaved the dead weight of the horse, while Rosemary went to help Lou. She pulled and pulled, as I saw inches and inches of Lou's body becoming free.

"Got her," Rosemary cried.

We dropped the horse and all rushed to Lou's side. Buck checked her neck for a pulse, and nodded when he found one.

"Rosemary come help me get the buckboard, we better get Lou to the Doctor as fast as we can." Teaspoon said sounding lost.

"Her arm is definitely broken," Buck said as he checked her over some more. I just stayed on my knees scared that I may have lost my Lou.

Lou let out a small whimper, and I saw her trying to open her eyes.

"Lou honey we will get you some help, just hold on love." I told her quickly looking to see if Teaspoon was ready with that buckboard.

"Buck, please. Please don't let anything happen to the baby," she cried, ignoring me all together.

"I will do my best Lou, just sit tight," Buck told her, his face grief stricken as he looked over her body.

I knew in that moment that I had caused Lou more pain than I could have ever imagined. She would never forgive me or trust me again.

"Jimmy," she whispered,

"Yeah Lou,"

"I loved you," I nodded, unable to talk, "You hurt me." I felt a tear escape my eye. I knew that I had but hearing her say it was heart breaking.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, as I nodded down at her once again.

"If anything happens to me, I want you to know that the baby is yours." She told me before passing out again.

I looked up to the heavens begging god to not take her from me. I knew the baby was mine, Teaspoon had told me that, but I needed to hear it from her, and she knew that.

It took over an hour to get Lou back to town. Rosemary rushed to the station to let everyone know where we were and what had happened.

I begged the Doctor to let me stay with Lou but both he and Teaspoon disagreed.

So we all sat outside waiting, and remembering about the last time we were here.

"I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought that with me leaving callers wouldn't bother showing up here." I said out loud, but trying to sort out in my own head where I went wrong.

"Noah died, protecting the women that you swore to protect." Cody snapped.

"I thought I was protecting her. I thought that if I wasn't around then Lou wouldn't get hurt."

"Lou is frightened that what happened with Roberts could happen again, and she has every right to be. But have you ever seen her shy away from a gun fight or anything else for that matter? That is not what scares her Jimmy. She would take a bullet any day of the week, just as long as she isn't wronged like she has been. You should have known that, just like you should have known that you leaving her would destroy her.

She trusted you with not only her heart but her body as well. She trusted you above anyone else, and you promised her that it would always be that way. You may not have hurt her like Roberts did but you destroyed her just the same." Rachel told me in disgust as the doctor opened his door.

Tears were now free flowing down my face, and it didn't bother me that everyone was seeing me like this. Lou was my weakness just as much she is my strength, I had hurt her and I was truly sorry for it.

I wanted everyone to see how sorry I was, cos there were no words that would ever make up for what I had done by leaving.

"Please tell me," I cried to the Doctor.

"Louise has broken her right arm, and has several broken ribs. She has a gash on her head that I have sewn up and she has some severe bruising all over her body but mainly on the right side where the horse fell on her."

"The baby?"

"The baby seems fine at the moment. The heart beat is strong and fast." I could feel that there was something that was worrying him.

"But..."

"I'm worried about when it comes time to deliver."

"Why would her delivering become a problem?"

"All the pushing she has to do, and with broken ribs, she will be in a lot of pain. I also can't be sure that her hips or pelvis didn't sustain any fractures as well." He let that sink in for a bit before he continued, "She will need a lot of bed rest and I feel it best that she do that here. That way I can keep an eye on her progress."

"I will go get a bag made up for her," Rachel said sadly. She thought of Lou like a daughter and it was killing her that Lou was in pain.

"Can I see her?"


	20. Chapter 20

**I do not own the Young Riders.**

**Once again I am sorry. I also apologise as this is a short chapter. **

* * *

><p>Lou<p>

My body was hurting, inside and out. I groaned out loud as I tried to lift my arm to check my baby belly.

I prayed to god that he or she was ok.

"Lou?" Jimmy's voice questioned from somewhere beside me.

I tried opening my eyes but they were too heavy, I was too tired. I uttered the one word, hoping he would know that that is all I wanted to know.

"Baby,"

"The baby is fine Lou." He told me.

I let sleep over take me once again, as soon as those words left his mouth.

* * *

><p>"Louise, Louise honey," Rachel's voice registered in my ears, and I tried to open my eyes again.<p>

This time I was successful, but I quickly closed them as the light of the room burned my eyes.

"There you are," Rachel said softly, as her hand stroked my hair back from my face.

"Rachel,"

"Yes Louise, its Rachel," She told me, as tears stung my eyes.

I looked around the room kind of hoping that I would see Jimmy waiting for me to wake up as well.

"I sent him to get some food, he didn't want to go," I smiled at my friend, she knew me well, "How you feeling sweetheart?"

"Honestly?" I asked, to which she nodded. "I feel like a horse landed on me," I tried to joke, but Rachel wasn't smiling.

"Louise," she scalded.

"Sorry Rachel, but I do. My body is aching and my head is killing me." I told her, afraid to even look over my battered body. "I just hope that the Doc is right, and my baby is ok."

Rachel placed a hand over my tummy, "Do you think that he or she is ok?" She asked seriously, "A mother knows those kinds of things, if you deep down believe that the baby is fine, then he or she will be." I smiled at my friend hoping like hell that she was right. I needed to feel him or her to move, before I knew for certain.

"Rachel I can't believe Frank would leave like that, and taking Jesse," Kind of changing the subject.

"I know Louise, but I don't think Frank did it to hurt you. I know that both those boys care about you. I just think that Frank thought he was doing the right thing."

"I know you're right Rachel, but the hurt isn't any less."

"I know sweet heart, but if it is any conciliation I bet that they are hurting just as much."

"No that makes me feel worse, I don't want them hurting."

"I know you don't Lou, sorry I said that." I smiled at Rachel. I knew she was trying to make me feel better.

Rachel excused herself as my eyes could no longer stay open. I couldn't believe how tired I was even though I was doing nothing but laying in this god forsaken bed.

As a day ticked by I was growing worried and pained. I hadn't felt the baby move yet and it was playing heavily on my mind, as before the accident, the wee thing wouldn't keep still.

I hadn't stressed my concerns to anyone, but I knew that they knew I was keeping something from them. I was short tempered with everyone but I was also crying a lot. In fact if it wasn't for my hormones being all over the place I wouldn't feel pregnant at all.

I was starting to get use to the idea of having Jimmy back, I didn't know yet in my heart if that meant I was willing to have him back with me yet, and maybe if he hadn't turned up this afternoon, I may have considered the idea.

"Lou please can you talk to me, let me explain," Jimmy pleaded putting me in a sour mood instantly.

"If you expected me to welcome you back with open arms Jimmy, you were mistaken." I snapped angrily at him.

"Lou I didn't even expect you to talk to me. Hell I thought you had moved on and were engaged to Kid." I could see him smiling and it irked me.

"You would think that. Just because it was easy for you to move on, doesn't mean I would do the same."

"Lou that's...I haven't moved on," he defended, shaking his head.

"Really cos that pretty brunette has walked past that window three times since you sat down." I watched as Jimmy looked towards the window just in time to see Rosemary walk past for a fourth time.

"Lou she is nothing to me," he said in clear irritation as he turned back towards me.

"She must mean something, I mean if it wasn't for her then you would still be god knows where doing god knows what," I couldn't help but raise my voice; I was getting angry with him.

"Lou I am so sorry I left like I did. The idea made sense in my mind. I thought that if I left, then you would be out of harm's way."

I could see he truly did believe what he was saying, and I couldn't fault him for that. It was the fact that he and I were meant to be a team, we should have talked about it first.

"I get your reason Jimmy, I really do. But you and I were together. You should have respected and loved me enough to at least talk to me about it or at the very least say goodbye to my face."

"You say loved Lou, I still love you. I want us to get through this,"

"There is no us anymore Jimmy," I felt my heart clench in agony of the lie.

I wanted him just as much now as I did when we first got together.

I loved him, he is my other half. But he hurt me, and I cannot get past that.

"Lou, please don't say that, please," He pleaded with a tear in his eye. I hated seeing him hurt, and although I wanted to remain strong, I also didn't want to see him hurt.

"Jimmy you have to give me my space. I need time to adjust to having you back here."

A little nudging inside of me reminded me that

I placed my hand on my belly and smiled for the first time in days. "She moved," I whispered, "She finally moved," I cried happy that I had finally felt the first movement in days.

"She?" Jimmy questioned, "How do you know?"

"I don't, I just hate calling the baby an 'it'. So some days I say girl, and some I say boy," I answered as my hand anxiously awaited another nudge.

I could tell that Jimmy wanted to have a feel, and I wished that I could share it with him, but a small part of me, not a very nice part of me wanted to keep that pleasure from him.

* * *

><p>After Jimmy left that night Rachel helped me into a hot bath. I was feeling better knowing that the baby was moving and so my mood had improved some as well.<p>

I had thought about what Jimmy had said the other day, and while yes I was still angry with him and yes he did a stupid thing, I did still loved him.

I loved him with everything I have inside of me, hell maybe even more. I decided that that was enough for me.

This baby that grows inside of me was conceived in love and I owed it to him or her to have the love of both parents.

Losing Ike and Noah proved to us all just how short life can be taken away. I didn't want to lose Jimmy as well.

We have made something beautiful and truly remarkable together. I needed to forgive Jimmy, I needed to forgive him and I had to start letting him in again so we could both move on and be strong enough for our child.

No, it won't happen overnight, but deep down I know it will happen, because I want it to.

Jimmy came in everyday and some days I would wait to see his face and other days I wanted to shoot him. I hadn't told him of my resolve yet, and it seemed that every time I went to tell him, he would say something stupid, which usually involved a drama about Rosemary.

"Have you slept with her? I asked bravely one day, gripping the bedding under me, preparing myself for the worst.

"No Lou. I promise you that there has been no one."

"Jimmy I don't know if I can trust your promises any more, that is half of my concern with you." I told him honestly.

Jimmy studied me, really studied me that I felt like I had to turn my eyes, not able to take any more of his attention.

"When I saw that horse begin to fall...I wanted to stop time." I turned back to look at him. "I have never in my life been so scared, be..." He paused as something seemed to cross his mind. "I lie I have been that scared before."

I felt my head scrunch up as I tried to think of when I had seen him scared.

"The day you held that gun to your head," I couldn't contain the sob that ripped through me upon remembering that day.

"Both times I thought I was going to lose you forever. I know you can't trust me Lou, and rightly so, but please know that I love you Louise, I swear I do."

Days turned into weeks. I was thirty five weeks pregnant, and felt like a cattle beast.

Rachel had to stay with me most nights as I was constantly in need of the lavatory for what felt like every other minute. I didn't want the doctors help, nor Jimmy's at this stage, so I asked Rachel if she would mind staying with me.

Jimmy came in every day and every day we would talk some more. I wanted to know why Rosemary was still here especially if they weren't sleeping with one another.

But as soon as he mentioned the war being her reason, I decided I didn't want to know. I hated the war.

I felt like everyone I knew was suffering or changing because of the god damn war. Cody had become a scout, Kid and Dorthia were leaving for the South, Frank and Jesse had gone to join the cause, and even Rosemary had her foot in there somewhere.

I hated the war.

I stayed up most nights worrying for Jesse and Frank. Even after the shitty thing Frank had done, I still thought of him as family. I wish I could write to Jesse telling him I was ok. Sometimes when I close my eyes I swear I can hear his screaming for me, I hoped that he was feeling guilty, as it was not his fault.

I was feeling isolated here, and I was scared that everyone would be gone by the time I was free of this bed. I no longer wanted to be away from them all, I wanted to be back in my house and in my bed.

The next morning I had made up my mind that I was getting out of here. I had had enough of this room, this bed.

I knew that the Doctor wished for me to stay here until I gave birth, but I could not stay here when I had a family to stick back together.

"Doc if you don't let me out of here, I will go anyway, I'm only asking out of courtesy."

"Well fine be a fool and go. But don't you dare blame me if your pain or go into earl labour," He snapped as she stormed out of the room slamming the door behind him.

"I wouldn't dream of it," I yelled back, pissed off with his attitude.

As soon as he was out of ear shot I flung the sheets back off of me and the bed. I knew this was going to hurt but I truly had no idea until I tried walking over to my clothes.

Still I bit my lip from crying out. I did not want the Doc coming in here and telling me a big fat 'told you so,'

I let my night gown fall to the floor, knowing that there was no way in hell I was bending down to pick that up. As I reached for my dress, the door swung open.

"Morning Looooo..." Cody's voice started but stopped as I'm sure he was staring at my naked ass.

"What the hell are you doing," Jimmy snapped, "Cody out," he roared.

"What does it look like Hickok, I'm getting dressed," I replied feeling a tad snarky, though I was soon bought back to reality when I realised that there was no way I was getting dressed without his help.

I huffed in irritancy, I hated that I was so useless, "I need you to help me," I whispered to Jimmy.

"Excuse me, what was that?" Jimmy asked, sounding sure of his self.

"Don't be an ass James," I said using his real name so he knew I was not fooling around.

"I like the way that sounds coming from you," He told me as he grabbed my dress for me.

It did not escape my notice that I was standing naked in front of him for the first time in months, and it also didn't escape my notice that Jimmy's eyes were looking me over, he may say discreetly but I say unashamingly.

I said nothing as Jimmy dressed me. In fact I just closed my eyes loving the feel of his hands on my body once again.

As he went to lower my undergarments over my head and breasts and tummy he stopped and knelt on his knees.

Placing a hand either side of my growing stomach he said, "I'm sorry I hurt you and your Mama. I promise that I will make it up to you and her every day of my life," he leant in and placed a kiss next to my belly button.

"Jimmy," I cried as I pulled him up by his hair, "You hurt me," I told him making him nod,

"Yes," He admitted looking remorseful, and close to his own tears.

"Don't do it again." I threatened him, like I had threatened Jesse so long ago.


	21. Chapter 21

**I do not own the Young Riders. I wish I owned a new computer though.**

**So sorry, I truly am. I have had huge dramas with my computer and the one I borrowed from my sister. Hers was a dinosaur of a thing that overheated every five minutes then would turn itself off.**

**I finally have mine back, so no excuses.**

* * *

><p>Jimmy<p>

I was content being back in Lou's house once again, and one day I hoped that I could call it our house, or more importantly I want to hear Lou call it our house.

Her body was on the mend, but of course nowhere quick enough for her. I think it was her arm that gave her the most grief, as it held her back a lot more than her other injuries.

I have taken her to the Doc most weeks, who while I know he finds Lou frustrating, I think deep down she is his favourite patient.

She challenges him, and I think he likes that.

He is pleased with her progress but as the weeks tick on and Lou nears the end of her pregnancy, I can see he is still worried for her. Of course Lou assures him she will be fine and to stop stressing, in fact she told him that if he let her arm out of its setting then she will deliver the baby herself.

Buck had been keeping his distance, and while at first I didn't mind, it is starting to bother me now. The longer he stays away I think the longer it will take to mend our friendship. But then I think maybe he needs this time to sort his feelings out, so I have given it to him, well that is what I tell myself anyway.

Lou is starting to ask Teaspoon and the other boys if she had done something for him to be upset with her about.

I didn't want that. I didn't want her to think that it was her that kept him away, even though to some extent it was.

Rosemary was having the opposite problem then Buck, she wouldn't leave us alone. I knew that she was only doing it because she could see the strain it made on Lou's and my relationship. And all though I really wished she would leave, I did feel sorry for her.

Cody and Tommy had taken care of Pearson and his men, so that was no reason for her to stay, but I think she was lonely and honestly had nowhere else to go.

"Jimmy, I'm going to bed." Lou called out from the kitchen.

I stood up from the chair and walked to meet her. I stood in front of her and placed one of my hands on the side of her head.

"I love you Lou," I told her, like I do every night, before I kissed her on the cheek.

We hadn't shared a bed since she came home, hell we hadn't shared one in months, but I didn't push, I wanted to hear it from her mouth that she was ready to accept me back like that.

"I love you to, James," She smiled as her head leant into my touch.

I watched as she disappeared into her room, and the sound of her door closing before I too settled in for the night.

As I was pulling the blankets back a knock at the door had me turning my attention in that direction.

'Who the hell is calling at this time of night?' I thought to myself.

I grabbed my Navy Colt from my bedside table and headed to the door. I looked to see the light from Lou's room was out, so knew she had to be asleep.

I opened the door, preparing myself for who I would find. I was instantly surprised at who was standing in the doorway.

"Frank you have some nerve, what are you doing here?" Frank looked over his shoulder,

"Jesse," he said, I looked behind Frank to see a sorry looking Jesse behind him.

"Jesse what are you doing?"

"Hi Jimmy," he said timidly, and not at all like the Jesse I knew.

"I wanted to see Lou, if she would allow it." He asked quietly.

"Of course she will allow it. Unlike me she doesn't hold a grudge." I snapped, opening the door wider so they could come in. I wanted nothing more than to hit punch and scream at these two, but Lou loved them.

"Sit, and don't touch a fucken' thing," I hissed as I made my way to Lou's room. I did think that I should wait till the morning, but I hoped that once they got out what they wanted to say, then they will leave as soon as they were done.

I opened Lou's door and walked over to her bed. She looked so peaceful in her sleep that I thought maybe I should leave her. I gently pushed her hair away from her face.

"Jimmy," she whispered,

"Hey honey, sorry to wake you but you have some visitors." I tried to say calmly.

"Is it Buck?" she asked hopefully, making me realise she had been missing him more than she let on.

"No honey it's not," she looked confused as she tried moving from the bed.

I placed my hands under her arms and helped her up.

"Thanks," she smiled, "If I get any bigger you will be rolling me everywhere." She joked.

"You're not that big Lou,"

"Really, see how big you feel with another being inside of you," she snapped, but there was no nastiness at all in her tone.

As we walked out to the parlour I watched as both Frank and Jesse looked her over.

Lou stopped dead in her tracks, obviously just as surprised by her visitors as I had been.

"Lou you're ok, the baby is ok?" Jesse cried as he ran to her.

Lou, just as I expected, held her arms out for the boy to run into.

"Jesse I have missed you so much," She cried as she hugged him tight and kissed his head.

She looked up from Jesse, to see Frank. "You too Frank." She said as she held out a hand to him.

"You to Lou," Frank told her as he smiled down at Jesse who had his arms wrapped tight around Lou, and clasped his hand in hers.

"Where have you been?" Lou asked quietly as her eyes looked both the boys over. I couldn't quite understand what she saw in Frank, and half the time, Jesse, they were nothing but trouble, and seemed to cause Lou a lot of heart ache. But I could see it made her happy having them here.

"Ah, here there and everywhere." Frank said eyeing me uncomfortably. There was no need for me to stick around and obviously make it uncomfortable.

"Well if you're going to be ok Lou, I might turn in and leave you too it." She smiled at me gratefully, obviously sensing Frank's hesitancy to talk with me here too.

"I'll be fine, thanks Jimmy." I leant down and placed a kiss on her forehead before saying my goodbyes to Frank and Jesse.

The next morning I awoke with a start. I looked to the window seeing that it was still slightly dark out. I pushed the blankets off of me and headed out to the parlour expecting to see Frank and Jesse asleep in the chairs.

But what I saw was Lou curled into a ball on the sofa, with a blanket draped over her. I smiled down at how beautiful she looked, but could she really be that comfortable?

I picked her up in my arms, trying not to jolt her to much as I carried her to her bedroom. I laid her down on her bed, and pulled the covers up to her shoulders, and turned to leave the room.

"Stay with me," she muttered, as she readjusted her body.

I didn't have to think about it, I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep with her in my arms.

I snuggled up behind her and slipped my arm over her waist. My eyes closed, and I let the warmth of her body and the soft sounds of her breathing lull me to sleep.

"Morning," Lou smiled as my sleepy eyes tried adjusting to the light.

"Mornin'"

"Well it is most likely nearly afternoon, we have over slept." She said with a slight amusement in her voice.

"Is that so?" I asked as I nuzzled my face into her hair. God how I have missed her smell, her warmth and her body.

"Mmmmhmmm," she said as she snuggled further into me.

"Did you have a nice talk with Jesse?" I asked

"And Frank," she laughed, knowing I purposely left his name out, "I'm glad they called in, I was scared there was going to be bad blood between us all."

"And there isn't? You forgave them?" Already knowing her answer.

"There was nothing to forgive Jimmy. It wasn't their fault what happened to me."

"We are going to have to agree to disagree on that fact." I told her. Of course I thought they were to blame for what happened that day.

We lay in bed, just talking and loving being so close to each other, well I was, and I hoped she was too. Begrudgingly we both got out of bed and while Lou was getting dressed I made us some breakfast.

"Lou I have to go into town for a bit, do you need anything honey?" Her eyes widened, and I knew what she was going to say.

"No, but I don't want to be here alone," She told me, letting me know that she was still not alright about that.

"I'm going to send Buck, will that be alright?" She smiled, but it was soon replaced with sadness.

"You could try, but I have a feeling he doesn't want to be around me at the moment." She said sadly.

"That is not your fault honey. It is me he doesn't want to be around. So I will send him, and give you two sometime to yourselves."

"Ok, but if he doesn't want to come don't push him. Maybe you could send Rachel, or even Dorthia if no one else is available." I laughed out loud.

"Dorthia?" I questioned.

"I know, I know," She threw her arms up in the air. "When she first came here Jimmy, I wanted to hate her, I mean the way she dresses, talks and looks, everything about her was screaming at me to dislike her, but I can't. She makes Kid happy, and that is all I ever wanted for him. She is everything that I couldn't be for him, and I'm glad they found each other."

"They do sort of suit each other," I agreed.

"I think so too." She agreed.

I gave her a kiss and saddled up Sundance, hoping like hell Buck would come around.

I arrived at the old station soon spotting Buck brushing down some horses. Letting out a big sigh, I wandered over to stand beside him.

"Buck,"

"Jimmy,"

.

.

.

"Lou misses you," I said breaking the silence.

"I've been right here,"

"I know, but you know she can't move a hell of a lot. Shit it takes her all day to walk from the house to the barn and back again."

"Her leg still giving her trouble?"

"Her whole body is giving her trouble."

.

.

.

"Look Buck I'm sorry. I should have been thanking you instead of questioning your motives towards Lou." I said, once again being the one to break the silence.

"Yeah you should have." He snapped, causing my eyes to narrow at him.

"Don't hold my rudeness against Lou, she don't deserve it."

"I know but I had to keep my distance, I needed to take a step back and clear my head." He looked towards the horizon.

"I told her I would send you out there. I need to talk with Rosemary, and I was hoping you could go sit with Lou."

"I'm not your baby sitter,"

"Never said you were. I was hoping that it would give you and her some time to talk, but if you don't want to, just forget it."

I started walking off, when Buck called out,

"I'll go,"

I nodded my thanks as he mounted his horse, and taking off in the direction of Lou's ranch.

Once he was out of sight I made my way over to the hotel. I needed Rosemary gone and I knew that she wasn't about to make that easy for me.

I headed straight up to her room and knocked loudly on her door. She pulled the door open, and looked at me before looking out to the hall way.

"Where's the little lady?" she asked still looking behind me.

"What are you still doing here Rosemary?" I asked as I pushed my way into her room.

"Where am I meant to go Jimmy?"

"Home."

"There is nothing there for me anymore."

"There is nothing here for you either." She looked hurt for all of a second before her narrowed eyes studied me.

"I don't believe you Jimmy. I think that if you opened your eyes you would see that you and I make sense, you and Louise don't."

"How do you see that?"

"She is a girl, just a girl who obviously has issues. You need a woman, a woman who can take care of you and herself."

"Lou can take care of herself."

"Please she's like a scared rabbit. I bet someone is with her as we speak." She said pissing me off.

"So what if there is,"

"Oh so that's your thing, playing protector to the weak." My fists clenched as I tried keeping them in control. I would never hit a woman, but Rosemary was making it hard for me to keep that promise.

"You don't know a damn thing about her so keep your mouth shut." I sneered causing Rosemary to take a step back.

"I love her because she is a good woman, a strong woman. Kind hearted and selfless, things you could never possess and the reasons why I would never look at you in a loving way."

Her hand reached out and slapped me.

"Damn you James Hickok, how dare you speak to me in that way?"

"I want you gone," I stated,

"What if I don't want to go?" she challenged.

"You will go Rosemary. There is nothing and no one keeping you here." I told her as I walked out of her room slamming the door behind me.

God she got my hackles up.

After leaving Rosemary to her sulking, I said a quick hello to Teaspoon, before heading back out to the ranch.

When I arrived I saw that Buck was on the porch with a drink in his hand. Where the hell is Lou? I thought as I dismounted and walked over to him.

"Where is she?" I instantly asked.

"Relax Jimmy, she's in the barn." He laughed and shook his head.

"What?"

"You were right about it nearly taking her all day to walk from the house to the barn."

"And that's funny?"

"Of course not," He looked out towards the barn, his face taking on a more serious look. "I'm sorry for keeping my distance. I just...I didn't know what I was feeling, and when she was hurt...I didn't think it was my place to be there, and the longer I stayed away the harder it was for me to come here." Buck told me.

"I didn't help. I should have been thanking you, instead of jumping down your throat. I was an idiot for leaving in the first place. I left her alone but I didn't want anyone else to take my place either."

"She's a remarkable women Jimmy, leave her again and you might just lose her forever."

"I know, but like I promise her every day, I promise you I won't be leaving her again."

Buck just nodded as he stared towards the barn. I knew I didn't need to worry about Buck moving in on Lou.

We sat and caught up on what we had both missed these few weeks. It was nice to pick up where we left off. I heard a noise come from the barn that had me looking that way.

I frowned as I saw Lou come from the barn. She had one hand on her hip and the other resting along her lower stomach. I watched as a pained expression crossed her features and her limp seemed to be worse the more she walked.

I started making my way over to her, leaving Buck talking on the porch.

"Lou sweetheart, what's wrong?"

"I'm just sore is all. I must have over done it."

Thunder rolled around the surrounding hills causing Lou and I to look up to the darkening sky.

"We need to get the horses into the barn," she began to stress.

"Not you, you head up to the house, Buck will give me a hand." I told her, as Buck headed our way.

"Ok," She said making me believe she was in pain more than she was letting on.

"She alright?" Buck asked as we made our way to the corral.

"You know Lou; she wouldn't admit it even if she was." I told him to which he agreed, "But no I don't think she's alright." I told him, to which he agreed once again.

"I wondered that earlier, she seemed uncomfortable."

"Help me with the horses?" I asked, not really needing to as Buck was already following me to the corral.

"JIMMY, JIMMY!" Lou screamed from the house.

I spun on my heel and ran as fast as I could, with Buck coming up fast behind me. I ran in the door to see Lou on all fours, and a glass broken beside her.

"Lou?"

"B-Baby," she said through gritted teeth.

"What about the baby Lou? Do you think something is wrong?" I worried.

"Ah, Jimmy I think the baby is coming," Buck said as he nodded towards what seemed to be a pool of water behind Lou's legs.

"I feel like I can't move my legs, my hip is sore." Lou cried as she collapsed in a heap on the floor.

I went and picked her up, and carried her to her room. "Can you draw a bath please?" she asked through clenched teeth.

"What? Why?"

"The hot water will help with the pain. Please Jimmy," she pleaded as if I wouldn't do anything for her.

"Of course I will." I stressed as I placed her on the bed, stopping in my tracks as a loud clap of thunder shook the foundations of the small house.

"Jimmy," Lou said sounding a little panicked.

"I'll go fetch the Doc," Buck said from the doorway, "The storm is coming in fast, and I will get him here as quick as I can."

"Be careful," Lou said as she looked to Buck in concern.

Buck left straight away while I set to work on the bath. I would stop every time a cry of pain left her lips. I was so scared, was she meant to be in this much pain?

"Lou I have the bath ready,"

"Thanks Jimmy," she tried to smile.

I helped her into the bath, not really liking the idea of her being naked with the Doc on his way.

"Get over it Hickok," Lou somewhat laughed.

"Did I say that out loud?" I asked, worried I was losing my mind.

"No, you didn't have to. It's written all over your face."

"Get in the bath smarty pants," I told her as I helped her in.

Over an hour later Buck and the Doc both came in. Doc was trying to usher me away, but there was no way I was leaving Lou, and her pleading cries told us she didn't want me to leave either.

Rain bucketed down as the thunder and lightning came and went. We were coming into the fifth hour and it was all becoming too much for me to bear.

Buck had been fantastic at helping me heat up a fresh bath for Lou when she wanted back in. She went from the bed to the bath continuously, and uncomfortably.

"Jimmy," She said weakly,

"Yeah honey,"

"Make sure you eat something, and get something for Buck."

"Lou we will worry about ourselves, please can you just worry about yourself at the moment." Lou nodded her head before another contraction took over.

"Jimmy,"

"Yeah Lou."

"I forgive you, and I love you," she said as yet another contraction hit.

They were getting closer and stronger and it was getting too much for me to witness. I needed some air before I lost my cool in front of Lou.

"Excuse me," I got out as I near on ran to the front door.

"Fucking hell," I screamed out in frustration. I needed to leave that house, watching Lou in so much pain was just too hard. I wanted to help but there was nothing I could do and it pissed me off.

"Hickok get your ass back in there," Buck roared from the doorway.

"I can't watch her in that way, she's in so much pain."

"Suck it up. She is in pain bringing your child into the world, now get in there and comfort her."

I went back in to see the Doc trying to pull her out of the bath tub. Lou was wet and naked and she looked like she could care less.

"You want to help me here son?" The Doc asked as he struggled to know where to put his hands.

Buck quietly excused himself as he left the room. I guess Lou's state of undress was hard for him to look at.

"Take her to the bedroom," Lou tiredly lifted her arms to wrap around my neck as I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom.

"I'm so tired," she whimpered as her head rested on my shoulder.

"I know sweetheart,"

Just as we hit the doorway another contraction hit, and like the rest they were growing in intensity. I quickly laid her on the bed and grabbed her hand. I gritted my teeth as her vice like grip squeezed my hand.

"You are doing well Louise, just remember to breath." The Doc soothed.

"I need to push, I feel like I need to push." She yelled out.

The Doc looked between her legs, "Then you push Louise," He said as he quickly gathered a few of his things together. "The baby is coming," he stated as he laid his things on the bed beside Lou's feet.

Everything happened so fast from there on. I just held her hand and watched in utter admiration and devotion as this amazing woman gave birth to our baby.

"Last push Louise, push down with everything you have," The Doc told her.

"I d-don't think I-I can," She whimpered as she threw her head back and looked me in the eye.

"You're nearly there honey, you can do it," I told her as I used my free hand to wipe her hair off of her sweaty forehead.

"Awwwwl" she screamed as I saw her push with all she had.

"Good girl," the Doc smiled as the beautiful sound of our baby wailing filled the room.

I didn't realise I was crying until the saltiness of my tears passed over my lips. I leant down and kissed Lou's clammy head. "Thank you," I told her as I watched the Doc look our baby over.

"Never again," Lou whispered as she watched the Doc as well.

"Well Doc do we have a girl or a boy?"

"Louise and James you are the proud parents of a baby boy and a bea..." The Doc paused as he looked to Lou. "Louise my dear are you alright?" he asked worried.

I looked down to see Lou had tears streaming down her face.

"I'm...I'm..." She began, tears making it hard for her to talk. "Jimmy we have a son,"

"We do."

"And he's healthy, right Doc?"

"He is, maybe a tiny bit on the small side, but nothing that has me worried." Doc told her with nothing but honesty. He swaddled him up in a blanket and placed him in Lou's arms.

"He's perfect," Lou gloated as she started to undo his swaddle and started counting his tiny toes.

"And does he have a name?" The Doc asked as he continued cleaning Lou up.

"He most certainly does," Lou told him.

A knock at the door had us looking that way.

"It's Rachel, can we come in?"

"When did Rachel get here?" Lou asked me.

"I have no idea." Then looked to the Doc. He nodded his head as he covered Lou's lower half with a blanket, as I pulled the sheet up to cover her naked breasts.

"Come in," I hollered proudly.

"Rachel, Teaspoon, Cody and Buck all walked in, with huge awaiting smiles. I shook the guy's hands and kissed and hugged Rachel.

"Congratulations you two." Rachel smiled as she peered down to our wee bundle, "And who do we have here?" she asked before kissing Lou on her head.

"I would like you all to meet our son, Ryder James Hickok," Lou told them all with pride.


	22. Chapter 22

**I do not own the young Riders.**

**Thank you so much for all your reviews and alerts. Sorry this took so long to get to you all.**

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><p>Previously<br>_"He's perfect," Lou gloated as she started to undo his swaddle and started counting his tiny toes._  
><em>"And does he have a name?" The Doc asked as he continued cleaning Lou up.<em>  
><em>"He most certainly does," Lou told him.<em>  
><em>A knock at the door had us looking that way.<em>  
><em>"It's Rachel, can we come in?"<em>  
><em>"When did Rachel get here?" Lou asked me.<em>  
><em>"I have no idea." I told her looking to the Doc. He nodded his head as he covered Lou's lower half with a blanket, as I pulled the sheet up to cover her naked breasts.<em>  
><em>"Come in," I hollered proudly.<em>  
><em>"Rachel, Teaspoon, Cody and Buck all walked in, with huge awaiting smiles. I shook the guy's hands and kissed and hugged Rachel.<em>  
><em>"Congratulations, you two." Rachel smiled as she peered down to our wee bundle, "And who do we have here?" she asked before kissing Lou on her head.<em>  
><em>"I would like you all to meet our son, Ryder James Hickok," Lou told them all with pride.<em>

_._

_._

_._

"Ryder James Hickok welcome to the family," Rachel cooed as she adjusted the small bundle in her arms.  
>Not just any bundle, my Son.<br>My Son.  
>I have a child.<br>Who would have thought that would have happened? After Roberts and Samuels attacked me I wasn't sure I would ever be able to love again, if anyone would ever love me again. I didn't think I could allow a man to touch me and here I am, a mother.  
>Somehow and someway the man who stood protectively over Rachel's shoulder, while his eyes watched our son, healed my heart.<br>Though he did damage it as much as he healed it, it hasn't left scars like the other hurt. I couldn't hold it against him, a part of me says yes I could hold a grudge for the rest of my days, I have every right to. But I won't.  
>The truth of the matter is that I love him. I love him more than I have loved anyone else; there is no one else I want or need, it is only him.<br>The thought of another man touching me in the way Jimmy does makes my skin crawl. I love him, I trust him.  
>I am safe with him.<br>It is time for me to let what happened go for good. We needed to move on if we were going to make it as a family.  
>I could feel my eyes flutter as the enormity of the day sat heavily on my eyelids. A huge yawn fell from me, causing Jimmy to take his eyes off of Ryder and cast a concerned eye on me.<br>"You alright?" he asked, coming to sit beside me on the bed. His hand reached out and wiped my hair from my face. I can only imagine how dishevelled I looked.  
>"Give him to me," I asked with my heavy arms held out in front of me. I knew that it probably came out sounding ruder than what I meant, but I could see in Rachel's eyes she was not hurt by it, not one bit.<br>Rachel placed a tender kiss on Ryder's forehead and handed him to Jimmy, who after kissing each of his son's cheeks placed him safely and carefully in my arms.  
>Jimmy obviously knew how tired I was feeling, as he guided my arms and Ryder closer to my body.<br>"Hello my little man," I smiled, happy tears falling from my eyes, as they memorized his small features.  
>I heard the bedroom door being closed and I looked up to see everyone had gone, leaving Jimmy and me to bond over our baby.<br>"The Doc wants to check up on you sweetheart," Jimmy told me as he settled down beside me.  
>"In a minute, I just want to lay here for now,"<br>"Ok, but only for a minute Lou." Jimmy told me in a no nonsense tone, he was worried.  
>"Jimmy, I'm alright."<br>"I know, but I want to hear it come from the Doc as well."  
>"You worry too much Mr Hickok,"<br>"When it comes to you I do."  
>"Well I don't want you to worry. Why don't you tell the Doc he can come in?" Jimmy kissed my head and slid off the bed not wasting any time.<br>So much for me being tired and expecting any rest. The Doctor came in and done his exam, before I was helped into a fresh hot bath. Rachel stayed with me in case I fell asleep, while Jimmy held his Son.  
>Both of us didn't know much about babies, but between us I knew we would figure it out.<br>Once I was washed, and feeling human again Rachel helped me to get Ryder latched on to my breast. I don't know why, but I really thought that, that part would just come naturally. After all that is what breasts were for. Weren't they?  
>After what seemed to be a big part of the night I was completely exhausted, and so was Ryder.<br>He gave up on feeding and decided to sleep. I wrapped him up in the soft muslin sheet that Rachel had given me, and I lay with him on my chest.  
>I kissed his tiny wee head, loving the soft dark fluff that tickled my nose. "We make beautiful babies," Jimmy stated as he came into the room closing the door behind him.<br>"I think so too," I smiled as I watched Jimmy strip down to his long johns, before he slipped into bed.  
>We both watched Ryder in complete devotion as he continued to sleep soundly. The more I held him the more I realised how tiny and delicate he truly was. I was suddenly scared that something was going to happen to him.<br>"Marry me," Jimmy announced out of nowhere taking my mind off of my little freak out. I looked up at him wondering where in the hell that came from. "Please Louise, marry me. Let me be your husband let me a Father to our son."  
>"It doesn't matter if we are married or not. You will always be Ryder's Father." I looked up at Jimmy seeing that he wasn't meeting my eye. I had to know if this is what he really wanted, or if he just felt that he had to ask me to marry him. "Jimmy you better not be asking me just because you feel it is the right thing to do"<br>"Is that wrong?"  
>"If you are doing it because you are worried about what people will say, and what they will think about us, then yes it is wrong."<br>"The reason I'm asking you is because I love you. I don't want nobody else." Jimmy looked down to Ryder then back to me. "I also think that if Ryder's parents really do love each other then they owe it to themselves and to him to do this."  
>I smiled as I looked down to Ryder. "What do you think little man?" I asked once again kissing the top of his fluffy wee head. I knew in my heart that I wanted to say yes but I wanted Jimmy to know that I will not sit by and watch him leave again. If he leaves again, there will be no welcome back.<br>"If you are serious about this Jimmy, you have to know that I will not stand back and watch you leave again. If you walk away, you walk away for good."  
>"Lou I was a fool. I promise you with all I have in me that I will not leave you again." I could tell he was being truthful, but decided to not make it easy for him.<br>"Jimmy I just don't know. I mean…"  
>"You love me right?" Jimmy asked, cutting me off and sounding panicked.<br>"Like no other." I told him with the utmost conviction.  
>"Then nothing else should matter."<br>"When I was stupid enough to leave, you were all I thought about. It was your face I saw when I closed my eyes, and it was your face I hoped to see when I woke. I hurt you, I know I did. But I swear to you that I will not hurt you like that again." Jimmy grabbed my hand, his thumb ghosting over my fingers.  
>"Louise McCloud will you do me the great honour, and marry me." He asked softly, lovingly and looking absolutely petrified. Did he really think that I would say no to him?<br>"Yes," I cried.

.

.

.

Much to Jimmy's dismay we did not get married straight away. I did not care what the town folk said behind my back. I only cared about how Jimmy and I felt about each other.  
>It took our small family a few months to get in the swing of things. Both Jimmy and I were first time parents and it did not come naturally for either of us. Luckily Rachel and even Teaspoon were able to give us a helping hand. I don't think we would have made it otherwise.<br>The Pony Express had well and truly ran its course sending the boys in all directions. I had hoped that we would all stay close. But I also knew that it was not fair of me to ask them to do so.  
>Cody comes and goes, which I am happy about because it means we get to see him. But I wish he stayed longer and came more frequently than he does. I had hoped for him to be settled down with a bride of his own, but he is living life to its fullest, and usually with a new woman by his side with every town he visits.<br>Buck lives with us, but on the other side of the ranch. He and Jimmy have gone into partnership, and I have put the property under their names as well as my own.  
>Teaspoon had a friend from Texas come past our way a couple of years ago, who sold the boys a few head of cattle. Jimmy and Buck have bred them and are now sitting with a few hundred head and looking to become bigger.<br>It was a hard struggle at times, as they were learning by trial and error. I didn't know if we were all going to make it a while back. Money was tight, and the winter was hard. Buck worked on a neighbouring farm, while Jimmy got a job at the saloon to bring some money in. That was also hard on us, as I was alone at night.  
>I didn't put up a fuss though. Both Jimmy and Buck were making sacrifices so could I. Of course I didn't get any sleep either, which is not a good thing with a busy little boy on my hands.<br>I am so proud of them both. They have put so much time and effort into their idea, that now that they are slowly getting the rewards.  
>The Kid and Dorthia wed in the summer, before moving down south to be closer to Dorthia's family. As I had imagined she was the picturesque bride. I sat in the front pew and watched as Kid's face saw his bride walk up the aisle. He was in love and he was happy. I didn't expect the twinge of…well I don't really know what to call it.<br>All I had ever wanted for him was happiness. I knew that there was a woman who could bring that to him when I couldn't.  
>I guess my twinge was regret, jealousy, sadness, or all three combined.<br>My heart will always hold a small place for Kid. He was my first love. He was the first to show me I could be loved.  
>But he was not my future. Maybe my twinge was my heart letting go, saying goodbye to the boy I had loved, making even more room for the man I was completely, heart and soul, in love with.<br>Jimmy.  
>My best friend, my Husband, the Father of my child, my saviour, my heart and my soul.<br>He thanks me every day for loving him. He doesn't understand that, that was the easy part. A part of me loved him from the start.  
>The sound of hysterical laughter coming from my son had me looking up. He was running with all his might to reach his ball that Jimmy had kicked right past him.<br>Jimmy shook his head turning towards me. I laughed at his boyish smirk as he got on his knees and crawled over to where I laid in the long grass.  
>"Are you happy Mrs Hickok?" he asked me as his body crawled over mine. He rested his arms either side of my head, looking down at me with that smirk still on his face.<br>"I am Mr Hickok. Are you?"  
>"You have no idea," He told me before his lips captured mine. It was easy to forget about everything and everyone when his lips were on mine, but the sound of our son laughing had the two of us pulling free from our kiss.<br>"I love every inch of you," Jimmy muttered as his lips travelled down my neck, causing me to moan out loud.  
>I could feel his lips smirking against my skin. He knew what he did to me.<br>"And what do you think we have in here?" He asked as he kissed my big baby belly.  
>"A baby," Ryder told him seriously. I couldn't see his wee face but I could see him rolling his eyes at his father. Jimmy laughed as he kissed my tummy again. My hands went in his hair holding him too me.<br>"I think we have a little girl," I told my boys.  
>Jimmy suddenly looked up at me all concerned. "A girl?"<br>"Yes Jimmy, a girl," I laughed shaking my head at his antics.  
>"What makes you say that?"<br>"I don't know. Just a feeling I got." I tell him, wondering what has him thinking so hard. "I'm carrying a lot different than what I did with Ryder."  
>"Mmmm."<br>"Jimmy what has gotten into you?" I asked sitting up and holding my arms out for Ryder and pulled him into my lap.  
>"Nothing. I just never imagined me having a little girl."<br>"You wouldn't be happy?" I asked, now the concerned one.  
>"Louise, it would make me very happy. I'm just thinking that I may have to keep up with target practice in case any boys come sniffing around when she is older." He told me seriously. I on the other hand had to swallow my amusement.<br>"James, you have years, to worry about that." The sound of Buck and Teaspoon coming up to join us had me thinking. "And beside between you, those two," I tilted my head in Buck and Teaspoon's direction, "Cody and Kid, I think she will be very well watched over."  
>"It's a good thing too." Jimmy growled in my ear causing me to giggle and Ryder to leap out of my lap.<br>"No wonder Ryder always comes to hide over at my place." Buck stated as he picked up the ball and passed it to Ryder. "Are they always like that?" He joked with the boy.  
>"You have no idea!" Ryder sighed as he looked lovingly at his parents and passed the ball back to Buck.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>So sadly that is the end. I hope it didn't disappoint. A big Jimmy Thank You and kiss to Jenna for all your help. And a special thanks to the great bunch of ladies that although live across the other side of the world, I consider my friends. It's nice to know you are all there. xxx<strong>


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